One Moment of Clarity

An account of a woman who finally found her moment of clarity

All people want is one simple moment of clarity.
And I found mine. Oh how I found mine.

You know how much I love the beach Naseefa, how much I dream about it. You've dealt with me talking to you about it since high school! So last week finally, we decided to go to Pondicherry. Figured we had pushed it long enough. He was so enthu about it - talking about the trip whenever he got the chance, looking up things to do, making an itinerary. He was all excited - "I love that we're doing this together" he'd say, and I flinched every time. The l-word.

Don't get me wrong, I loved spending time with him, but did that actually mean I loved him? We'd been together for two years and I still didn't have an answer. Was I wasting my time? Did this relationship have no future? I was getting more and more smothered day by day.

I made up my mind. This trip would be make or break for us. I couldn't live in limbo anymore. At the end of the trip, either I would know for sure that I loved him, or I would say good-bye.

Now with all this on my mind, you can imagine how not excited I was for the beach. It looked like we wouldn't have time for the beach after all, what with all the couple activities he had packed into our two-day trip.

Anyway, with lots of enthusiasm from him and a heavy-hearted cheer from me, we reached the city and settled into our rooms. No sooner did we freshen up than he said that we were due for our first activity in half hour. A couples spa day apparently - getting pampered for three hours. Can you imagine? We were in Pondi and he planned for us to spend three whole hours in a spa, before we even saw the beach.

My heart sank. I was already imagining how painful it would be to walk away from him at the end of this trip. But still, I went along with his plans. Three hours of couples spa treatment - check. Followed by lunch at a fancy restaurant, then shopping around MG road area, and then visiting three art galleries, one exhibition, and two churches.

It was nearing dusk and I was exhausted, hoping we were done for the day. Apparently not, he said there was a famous park that we would be going to next. By this time, I had lost all hope. Maybe we were too different. Maybe we weren't right for each other.

All these thoughts came to an abrupt halt.
As did my feet.
Heart beating fast. Eyes wide open in disbelief.

He laughed softly. "Seeing you like this was worth the guilt of taking you on useless activities all day."

He held my hand gently as I continued to stare ahead of me in awe.

Oh Naseefa. I was speechless.
He's brought me to the beach! I couldn't believe it was real. Years of pining for it, and finally it was right there, within my reach.

And yet.
I was afraid to take even a step towards it. Was it all too good to be true? Was I imagining this? Would he find a way to ruin this for me?
I waited.

He rubbed his thumb on my palm, leaned towards me and whispered, "Go Niya, you've been waiting for this for so long. It's right there, go enjoy it. Only you, just like you've always dreamed. No sharing, no restrictions. When you think you've had your fill of it, I'll be sitting here on a deck chair somewhere."

My heart filled with so much love for him then Naseefa. I cannot explain it. He knew exactly what I wanted, and he gave it to me - even if he was not a part of it.

And right then, I had my one moment of clarity. And that is all I needed.

I clasped his hand in mine, leaned against his arm and cheerfully said, "Come on you goof, why would you sit on a deck chair while I go and jump waves. No mister, you ain't getting away that easy. Catch me if you can!" and I ran ahead.

Obviously, I didn't make it far before he caught me.

We stood together in silence, looking out to the sea as the sun set. After a few minutes I turned to him and said, "By the way, I love you."

That glint in his eye as he said "I know" was every kind of assurance I needed.

Oh Naseefa, I've been dreaming about the beach again! And this time, with him.