Letting Go

Hannah sucked on her false teeth again.  As she wondered why the woman in front of her in the queue was being so rude to the young lad serving; she spotted a small, lilac pot that would be just perfect for her primrose.  She had chosen a blue primrose for William as these were his favourite.  He kept them in the garden for years and years and as soon as she had seen it she knew it was right.  She moved to the front next to the till and exchanged money with the young man before wandering back up the long corridor of the shop.  The scent of the stargazer lilies wafted as she passed them and bought a smile to her face.  She had many designs for William’s new garden but it was a lot smaller than his old one and so she had to be careful with the plants she chose.  As the cold weather had passed she knew that this little primrose would be okay outside.  They were due for some lovely sunny days and so she seized the first one and left the house early. 

                Soon she was outside the old iron gate and as she pushed through she could see William’s patch straight ahead.  Once she had reached it she set her bag and the new addition down next to the smooth marble.  His photo smiled back, set in the protective stone; it was amazing what they could now a days.  She touched the cold surface with her forefinger, “I miss you William.” she whispered before removing the metallic pot from the little hole in front of him.  The lilac pot fitted snugly and looked beautiful with the primrose inside.  Hannah shuffled around in her bag before pulling out a little picnic blanket and shook it out next to William.  It was lucky he was by the path and so she didn’t have to disturb anyone else on her visits.  She reached back into her bag and found a small flask of tea and a Tupperware before she finally settled down on the blanket.  Inside the Tupperware was a chicken sandwich with homemade mayonnaise.  “Your favourite!”  She reminded him before tucking into it.  “Usually I would have cooked us a roast but I’m feeling lazy today!”  She chuckled as she carefully poured out two cups of tea.  She took her time with the milk as it had hidden itself right at the bottom of the bag.  “Two sugars today?  Or are you feeling sweet enough?”

                Suddenly the young man from the shop appeared with a worried expression on his face.  “Are you okay?”  He asked gently before squatting down next to her.

“Yes, thank you, I’m just having tea with my husband; I couldn’t remember how many sugars he had in his tea!”  Tears started to roll down her face and she scrubbed at them like a child.  How could she forget?  Hannah was furious with herself and she threw her sandwich down.

“It’s okay, I forget how many my mum has all the time.”  He nodded towards the headstone next to William’s.

“Your mother?  Well she seems like a lovely lady keeping William company when I’m not here.”

“She is a lovely lady, she wouldn’t mind if I couldn’t remember her birthday let alone how she took her tea.  Not that I will ever forget her birthday, it’s the same as mine and the same day she passed.  It’s weird how life sends you in and out all on the same day, well not exactly the same day but you know what I mean.”

Hannah nodded slowly, gulping back a fresh wave of tears.

“Would you mind if my mum and I joined you and William?  I have our Sunday dinner but I bought some Appletizer.  Its mum’s favourite.”

Hannah shuffled over on her blanket, “Of course you can.  Please, take a seat.  I apologize for not introducing myself earlier my name is Hannah.” she extended her hand out to him and he shook it gently.  “And my name is Dan.”  He smiled broadly before seating himself in the middle of the group.

                They sat for the whole afternoon, swapping stories about Dan’s mother and William.  They had laughed and cried and when the sun began to creep lower and lower behind the trees, Hannah started to pack up her things.  “I don’t suppose you’d like to meet again?”  She asked shyly.  Dan smiled and nodded his head.  “Of course I would, I’m free Tuesday, maybe next time we could go for a walk or something.”

                They decided on a meeting place and packed up the rest of their belongings.  As they ambled towards the cemetery gates, Hannah felt a sharp pain in her chest.  She didn’t mention it to Dan as she thought it was probably heartburn from the sandwiches.  “Would you like a lift home?”  He asked as they reached his car.  “If it’s not too much trouble?  Or too far out of your way?”  She replied.

“No, it’s definitely on the way home.”

“Thank you.”  Hannah felt happiness rise through her, something she hadn’t felt in a while.  It was nice to have a new friend and someone to share the world with.  Her fears of it being too late didn’t expose themselves around Dan; it must have been as he was so full of life. 

                Hannah woke up on Monday morning at six with a big smile on her face.  If her hips would have let her she would have jumped around the room.  She sang while she cooked breakfast and today she treated herself to some toast and marmite.  She usually had healthy cereal and a cup of green tea but one day wouldn’t matter, she deserved it.  When she was in the shower she hoped for lovely weather tomorrow for their walk.  She pictured the windy path around the reservoir with the sparkling water and grinned.  As she went to step out of the shower she slipped and banged her shoulder on the door.  A deep aubergine bruise began to appear and she winced in pain.  She dried herself carefully before putting some arnica on the bruise.  Whilst she had been washing the sun had broken through the clouds and illuminated the garden.  Hannah stepped outside with her book and she saw the chicken house at the bottom of the garden.  “Oh dear!”  She exclaimed as she rushed to the let them out.  They were extremely pleased to see her and bobbed out of the house and onto the lawn.  She had accepted her forgetfulness as just a part of growing older but sometimes it frightened her.  What if she forgot to turn the oven off one day?  Hannah shook her head and returned up the garden to her swing seat.  She pulled the green cover off and gently sat down and began reading.

                She was awoken by the telephone ringing loudly, and when she checked her watch it was nearly half past two!  She didn’t make it to the phone in time but the message machine began to speak.  “Hey, it’s Dan I was just wondering what you were up to this evening, I’ve had a bad day and I’m in need of a friend.”

Hannah felt her heart jump to her throat, he wanted to come round and the place was a mess!  She quickly phoned him back and told him her address and arranged for him to come round for tea when he finished work. 

                She vacuumed the old carpets and peeled the vegetables ready for dinner; she had decided on roast, but a proper one this time.  Hannah didn’t realise until now that William hadn’t crossed her mind today when usually he was hanging around the place.  Guilt spread through her, the first day in five years when she hadn’t spoken to him or even thought about him.  How could she be so inconsiderate; a younger man had come along and shown her some attention and she had thrown William aside without a second thought.  Something was breaking through the guilt and it was something very unfamiliar to her.  It was self worth and strength, feelings that she had only felt when William was alive.

                The door bell rang just as Hannah was pulling a new dress over her head; this one covered up the nasty bruise on her shoulder.  Dan was wearing a black shirt unbuttoned slightly at the top and some dark blue jeans.  He had dark circles under his eyes and his hair was ruffled but the pained expression made way for a smile as she opened the door.

                It was a lovely dinner of roast beef, cooked so well it was sure to win any man’s heart.  After tea they sat on the old leather sofa in the pale living room and Dan lit a candle for his mother and William.

“I’ve been thinking about you all day.”  He confessed as he sat back down next to her.

“Really?”  Hannah’s heart started to pound as he moved closer.  She turned William’s picture away as Dan took her hands.