Chapter 7

“So can I go?,” Guinness asked hopefully. He was clipping his toe nails with a clipper, and I watched in disgust as the nails bounced away from him and onto my carpeted floor.

“I hope you plan on picking those up,” I muttered, sipping on my coffee.

“Depends on what you say,” he said coolly.

“Of course you...” I said with a smile, watching as his eyes lit up. “...can’t go.”

Guinness’ face fell, and he gave a long, high whine, not unlike a child wanting his Christmas present early.

“Why not?”

“Because you’re not supposed to be seen, numbskull. If anyone actually knew I was housing a mythical creature in my basement, the government would be all over here. And don’t think they wouldn’t do dozens of painful tests on you, either. That’s what they’re known for in the movies.”

Guinness shuddered, but continued pestering.

“Just for a little while.”

“No.”

“What if I...,” Guinness gave squinted his face up into an expression of disgust, and the sudden, comical look on my gnome friend caused me cough off a laugh.

“...cleaned up some and was your long, lost midget uncle.”

“That,” I began, beginning my look of sarcasm that had been perfected over decades. I stopped, however, cupping my coffee cup tight and nodding slowly. “That is not a bad idea.”

I smirked, pointing at my chin.

“You’d have to get rid of the beard, y’know. You look like you stepped out of Lord of the Rings as is.”

Guinness went pale, and he untied his beard from behind his head and stroked it fondly.

“But...” he protested. “My beard is my manhood.”

“Well, looks like you’ll have to chop off your manhood if you want to go to the party.”

“Fine,” he said finally. His eyes were wide and sad as he regarded the mange of gray he held in his stubby hands.

As is was, Guinness was allowed two more days with his beloved beard. The day of the party finally arrived, and Guinness and I stared into the mirror in my bathroom " him standing on the counter as he regarded himself. I had run to the store and bought him some khakis and a collared shirt meant for a seven year old, which he wore now, along with a new pair of sneakers.

“Are you sure I have to?”

“Yes.”

No, he really didn’t. Midgets had beards like any other person, but it was just too fun to watch Guinness stress out over something. Besides, the beard constantly had chunks of kibble and bits of froth in it; it had to go if he wanted to be at least presentable.

I brought out the dreaded electric razor and Guinness winced. I turned it on and handed it to him.

“Would you like to be alone?”

“Yes.”

I nodded, trying to hide a smile as I left the bathroom and closed the door. If I listened closely, I was sure I would hear the sound of a broken gnome crying.

Forty five minutes later, Guinness emerged from the bathroom. I raised a hand to my mouth in astonishment at the transformation that had occurred.

His beard was gone, yes, but there was the faint smell of aftershave that wafted from his being. Even more uncharacteristic was his hair; cut short and combed back, it was complete with the gel that had sat untouched in my medicine cabinet for years.

I whistled, low and long.

“You look... human,” I said, walking around him as I studied him.

Guinness looked proud of himself. He pulled forward his collar, debonair, and closed his eyes. Grinning, he held his nose high.

“Well, don't look so snooty,” I told him, “You're supposed to be my party animal older uncle.”

“Oh, right, right.”

Guinness smiled an award-winning smile, and I was surprised to see that he had even brushed his teeth " the first time since I'd met him.

“Wait,” I said, my eyes narrowing, “You don't have a toothbrush in there...”

“Let's go,” Guinness grumbled, coughing softly and motioning towards the door.

I sighed.

“I've gotta do me, too, y'know. Wait here. I'll be out in a second.”

I entered the bathroom and closed the door, exhaling sadly as I studied myself in the mirror. Three days worth of stubble had grown itself on my face, and my hair was messed up " not in a sexy, trendy way, either. My eyes were bloodshot; the many nights staying up to talk to Guinness were taking their toll. My garb was less than extraordinary. A pac-man shirt with jean shorts were all I had that were clean, and a pair of old sandals finished the ensemble. I wore sandals everywhere " even in the dead of winter. Nothing, not even a party, was going to throw my routine off.

The electric razor had shorted out from dealing with so much gnome hair, and I tossed it in the trash with a displeased grumble. I shaved with a conventional razor, gelled back my hair like Guinness had done, and dropped in a few eye drops for good measure.

I snapped and slapped my hands together, wriggling my eyes in the mirror.

“I look ridiculous,” I observed. “But better than nothing.”

Ten minutes later, Guinness and I were outside Ralph-E's door, me pacing from one foot to the other awkwardly and a total mess of nerves. I had never been out with Guinness before, and I was paranoid of every step we took.

Finally, I knocked.

The girl who answered was beautiful. She had long, dark red hair and her green eyes flashed, enthusiastic, as she regarded me.

“Hello,” she said, her voice mellow and calming.

“Er, hi,” I said dumbly. I wasn't accustomed to dealing with beautiful women. The last I had encountered had taken everything and left me poor. The b***h had even taken my dog, a welsh corgi. I joked with Guinness that it didn't matter, he was my new pet anyway, but I had secretly never gotten over the loss of Maximus.

“Are you here for the party?” the lady asked, obviously trying to continue the conversation along after the lull of my memory.

“Yes. Is Ralph here?”

“He certainly is. My name is Julianna.” She held out a delicate hand, first to me, who shook it clumsily, then to Guinness, who winked an eye and kissed it with such finesse, I had to wonder who this gnome I had brought with me was.

“Noah, and this is, uh... Rudy.”

I received a quick glower from Guinness, who clearly did not like his new name.

“Nice to meet you both. I'm actually Ralph's sister.”

“Ah, yes. He mentioned you'd be in town.”

The awkward silence killed me. Why was I even here? I hadn't been to a party since I was sixteen. What was here for me; a drunk broad and a ton of booze? Actually, that didn't sound half bad. I hadn't had a woman in quite some time " not since before the divorce, if you could believe it. Hey, didn't I mention I wasn't a people person? Maybe I-

I noticed that the silence had stretched to an unbearable level for Julianna. She indicated with her eyes that the way was clear for me to come in. Coughing uncomfortably, I did.

“Hey, Nooo-uh! What is up, buddy?” Ralph-E yelled from across the room. There were several pairs of people locked in conversation around me, and several more I could hear in other rooms. A few people turned to stare at Guinness as we maneuvered our way across the room.

“Hey,” I said, giving a salute in his direction. “Looks like a good party.”

“Eh. Not yet it isn't.” He turned, and when he turned back towards me, he had a joint between his fingers. “Not yet,” he repeated, offering it to me.

“No thanks,” I said. It wasn't that I didn't want it. I desperately wanted it. It would calm my nerves a bit and let me enjoy the party. It's just that it would make me funny in the head. I'd pop in and out of other peoples' 'dream states' and it would end with an entire night of tripping on other people's trips, if that makes any sense.

Ralph-E shrugged, took a hit, and grinned at Guinness. “I see you made it. Want a toke?”

“Yes, he made it. He is my midget uncle from Michigan,” I stated quickly. Then, with some force in my voice, “Got it?”

“Whoa, whoa... no need for that, Noah. I got it. I'm cool. What's his name?”

“Rudy.”

“Nice to meet you, Rudy.”

Guinness nodded in Ralph's direction.

“You can talk,” I whispered, nudging him with the side of my heel.

“Nice ta meet'cha,” he said gruffly, then grabbed the proffered joint. He inhaled deeply, exhaling with a long sigh. “Ya got any beer?”

“Tons of it,” Ralph-E said with a grin.

I surveyed the room, caught Julianna's eye, and quickly looked away. She approached me with a smile, and I noticed her teeth were white and straight, only adding to her beauty. Did I mention how cute she was? Her long, red hair was tied behind her in an intricate braid, and her nose was turned up just slightly at the end, giving her a pixie appearance. She was lean, but I could see the telling of muscle in her bare arms. I marveled at how perfect her skin was, a sun-touched bronze that was even throughout. She didn't have make-up on, but she was the type of girl who didn't need it.

“Hi again,” she said, voice smooth.

“Hi,” I answered, forcing my voice not to stagger. Again, I wasn't used to human interaction, and I wondered again why I had come to this party in the first place.

“Where are you from?” I asked.

“Michigan. From a small town you wouldn't have heard of. How do you know Ralph? School?”

I rubbed the back of my neck.

“Well... let's just say he helps me with my job.”

“What job is tha-?”

She was interrupted, thankfully, by the loud, raucous laughter of a certain gnome. I looked to my right where the laughter originated, and my jaw nearly dropped.

Standing on the table, his sneakers tossed carelessly on the ground, was 'Rudy'. His massive feet were hairy, and he kicked them up as he danced with a dripping, plastic cup of beer in his hand.

And he was singing. Loudly and with abandon.

“Oh gather 'round ye lass' and lads,

have you heard the tale of Fidley the Mad?

He was cunning and quick and forty feet high

And that, my dear friends, isn't telling a lie.

He was a swashbuckler, a rogue, a true scallywag

And drank as much grog as would make any man gag.

He said-”

Guinness didn't get to finish. I rushed over and pulled him down from the table, whispering hotly in his ear.

“You idiot, what are you doing.”

“What? I was just singing a drinking song to my pals over there.” He indicated a group of teenage boys, who looked intrigued but slightly confused at the display. I pulled his arm toward me, demanding his attention. His breath smelled of alcohol and weed, and his voice was slurred.

“You're supposed to be inconspicuous, not some prancing nimrod singing a gnomish drinking song. We're going.”

I motioned Julianna over. She hurried through the crowd and touched my shoulder gently. “Is everything ok?”

“Er, yes. Everything is fine. We're going to head out. You can come over any time and I'll work on that nightmare for you. Bring Ralph along if you'd like.”

With those final words, and an apologetic glance back, we left Ralph-E's apartment.