July Letters

This month has been hard... It's my first time really writing in 5 months. Sorry i was ever gone.

Fear, consistent friend. Anxiety, my loyal enemy. 

I’m fighting both and wearing thin, throwing punches but I can't seem to knock them out. 

1) Scared that I witness David digging his own grave and ruining his clean white canvas with strange markings as he spits on it with hatred. 

2)I’m also anxious that you, my longtime friend, see me as expendable. Is my good, good enough? You could say I’m changing, but I am not trying to push you away as I complete my metamorphosis. I promise I wont be the one to fly away. So can you maybe meet me halfway?

I’m afraid of losing you and I'm afraid of life. Finding a good friend has been hard; i’ve mostly found ugly monsters who show me their sharp claws and proceed to eat my heart out. Can you blame me for keeping my distance from people who say they love me? It’s challenging for me to believe them.

And Here I am, ultimately afraid of love from others and of falling in love. 

3)I am also scared I may get too close and later retreat with my tail between my legs. Scared you deserve something better than me. But still, I want you because when I look at you, all I can see is magic and fireworks. I let go and it feels so f*****g right. But in the blink of an eye, I self destruct and I look at us again from an outsider’s perspective, perhaps from a view of harsh reality and fear slowly creeps in again and things are wrong. Will things ever seem right? 

What I have done my whole existence is hold life gently by the reigns. I have never tried to control it or pull back because I don't believe I am able to do that. Opportunities and people have found me and they have impacted me more than you will ever know. So when you look at me, just know that fate has left fingerprints all over my skin and that I am the product of destiny. I’m still breathing and I don’t think God is trying to destroy me and neither is Satan for that matter. I am who i am, and who I am is deciding to be open to tremendous metamorphosis and mess in the meantime. I can’t control David’s decision, I cant make my friends stay and I can’t make you love me. But I will be brave and optimistic, slaying my dragons as I continue to my final destination, where people jump in rainy dirty puddles and where smiles and laughter are enough to live off of.