Freedom and the Past

To the dismay of others

I have done what I want

I will not be controlled ever again

My life is my own now

Despite what some may think

 

Many years I had lived in the dark

Head bowed down, eyes cast lower

Being controlled, beat into submission

Mistreated if I stepped out of line

Scars on the inside as well as out

 

Used and abused

Both physically and mentally

Insecure and uncertain

Cycle of violence,

From father to spouse

 

Alcohol, the saving grace

Or so I thought…

The drunken haze, to hide the pain

To crawl into a bottle, the oblivion,

The safety and security I felt and craved

 

False freedom…

It never went away, still there waiting

The trip back worse than before

Sickening feel, not remembering

All still there with more waiting

 

With a helping hand,

I crawled from the abyss

And the life that I had lead

Sobering reality, neurotic basket case

Something had to give...

 

I stepped back and walked away.

 

 

 

Author's Note

sometimes my past comes back to haunt me...in what others say or the person that caused the pain in the first place. though i try to bury it deep and leave it in the past, on ocassion it comes back to try and bite me on the arse....and i remember what it was like :( AT

Reviews

[Mr. Misanthrope]

The past ALWAYS comes back to haunt us. Life would be a whole lot easier if we could forget all the things we wanted to forget. But it is important not to dwell on past issues...the past is what cripples us in the present, never letting us move on. What's done is done, and the only things you can do are either let it destroy you, or learn from your mistakes, even if they were not yours to start with.

I believe the poem could work a whole lot better if you rewrote it with a normal font. Fancy handwriting tends to distract readers from the actual poem.

In conclusion, I feel that you are not fully opening yourself with regards to feelings. Many make the mistake of trying and trying, whereas this only makes the task seem more laborious and difficult. Just sit down, and write. And don't ever look back at what you've written. You can go back and edit later, but it is paramount not to disrupt the flow of raw thoughts coming out of your mind. Furthermore, don't ever write with the intentions of impressing someone in the hopes of receiving a good review. This will only take you further from something that can otherwise be so simple...the simplicity of writing from the heart.

Good poem nonetheless.

Luke

[Rain]

And never look back with regret. A difficult choice in life, but one that many have survived. Here's to your happiness. Rain..

[justjenn_2u]

You show very much strength in your words here. Even more strength because you are able to express how going back to the alcohol would be twice as bad.

I like how you are able to put emotion into your words here while keeping this poem from not sounding forced.

Write on!

[Bhavya Kaushik]

Awesome! Really I'm falling short in words after reading this one. I have always admired your style of writing but this is really your best work till date according to as such it contains a part of you!
It is highly intriguing and there is just so much of you in it....Your raw feelings and emotions are making it a very deep and personal poem and my any comment would be very small for it.
But all I could say is this is indeed one of the best poems of cafe I have ever read...
AWESOME!!!

[Helen Woodward]

That is something you never forget Amanda and you don't need dooooooooo gooders reminding you all the time. I am happy that you felt comfortable enough to put your feelings into some of the best prose I have read. You are a winner...that's all I have to say...except BRAVO!!!!
Cheers xxx

[Dani California]

Sigh. Amanda, my dear. What I am going to say comes from understanding.... not out of thin air. You know this. Burying it -- is the problem. Healing cannot take place that way. It rots within and all someone has to do is grab a shovel and here it comes .... right back up to the surface. And as you know, there are those out there who love to dig. Bring it out of its internal grave and stare it in the face. Confront it -- and really truly kill it -- and then walk away, leaving it laying there. Then and only then will you heal completely and leave those who carry their shovels with nothing to dig for. It sounds like that is what you are beginning to do, judging from a few of your recent writes. Good! It may take some time, but you can do it.... you're strong and you're almost there! There is great strength and courage in this writing. :)

[raining]

Writing is cathartic. I know that much anyway. This poem is a sincere and real event. I know a friend who lived for years with an abusive man. He was a carpenter, and would come home each night and lay on the couch. She couldn't leave him because somehow they were bound together even though he once beat her so bad she ended up in the hospital. They wanted her to press charges but she didn't, he begged and said it would never happen again. He never changed. My friend, drank to find a way out. Finally she got rid of this guy and she lives alone now. She doesnt drink anymore either.

Best advice I could (can) give.... is to turn and wallk away. That final line: I stepped back and walked away.... that was excellant. The realization by the narrator, which I assume is you, shows how you have made that important simple decision. That empowerment, and ability to see yourself completely and truely.

Good, and more than just "another poem" since it was a part of you here that you wrote about.

This poem really tells that story well. The lines flow well together so that it reads smoothly down the page. The words don't get in the way of themselves. "scars inside and out" and other lines like this are very strong. ....yrs raining