In My Mind

I lost it

Does that mean I lose you to?

I lost you once at the age of six

Not again

This family needs to be fixed

You promised you would never leave us

That you'd be here forever

But you're leaving

And I'm trying to keep this family together

I was pushed out of the daddy's little girl world and into this.

Dad

What happened to your soft goodnight kisses

Your "I love you so much" hugs?

Now you barely even touch me

How could I have gone so wrong? With just being your litte girl

If only you knew how much this little girl cried for you

She cried for you

Yearned for your "I love you so much" hugs

Missed seeing your face

And empty holes began to form in this little girl's body 

Holes that ached when they weren't filled

She started kindergarten and no one

Not a single one of those kids had the same disease she had

Not a single one understood her like you did

Remember when I was younger? And you called me your twin?

I took that to heart

Eleven years from then and I still remember it

I bet if I asked you wouldn't even remember what you said!

Because of that I unlocked the door to my heart and let you in

When you and mom fought

It planted vines that snaked around my heart

When I was forced to say goodbye so many times to the only man that I thought could understand me

It broke me

Daddy I'm tugging at the vines that've grown and wrapped within me

The vines that keep me from seeing who I really am inside

What's really me

I know I've lost myself,but I'm trying to find it

I messed up dad

Don't leave me

Don't consider me a stranger

Because I'm not

I'm your daughter

And I'm trying to get that little girl back

The girl that used to sit in the clothes basket and put one on her head and pretend she was a race driver

The girl that could close her eyes and pretend she was her favorite Disney character even though everyone was watching

The girl that would tell about her talks with God

But I don't think the gates of the Daddy's little girl world will open up for someone like me

Not after what I've done