I AM A GIFT

I am that gift which was never opened

I am that treasure which was never discovered

I am that sun which was never seen

But in the sky it has always been

I am that heart that never got a chance to beat

I am that eye that never saw your face

I am that love who never felt your tears heat

But you don't want me in any case

I am that moon which never came

I am that star which never shine

After losing me you won't feel the same

You are throwing me away like a bottle of wine

I am that thing you don't want

You didn't give me a chance to call you ''mom''

I am the thing you want no more

I am unborn baby of yours

Reviews

[Adam, the Grub Street L..]

It is a moving poem against abortion (and there are some real corking anti-abortion poems out there).

I thought I'd try my hand at a small response to yours.

I am that screwed up person who was planted with a baby.
My life spirals down the tube and I'll drag you there with me.
I resent you and I hate you, I wish you'd never come.
How many times must I say, NEVER call me mom.

[kayla]

I love this. It's emotionally charged and beautiful

[Laura Maidah]

"Treasure that". Look up "who/which/that/whom" rules. It should help a ton. How do tears heat,btw? People don't usually throw away wine.... I didn't get that analogy. The last stanza explains most of my questions. I didn't get the tone until the end. Maybe give us clues towards the beginning without giving up everything, like in the final stanza? Just a thought. I had no idea where you were going. However, the figurative language is pretty stellar.

[Wild Willow Blue]

Great topic. Very heartfelt. The line "I am that star which never shine" might need changing.. maybe "shines"? Otherwise, very well done.

[quixotic_rose]

What a heartfelt topic to write about indeed. I agree with others on here with revision and something else I took notice of " I am that heart that never got a chance beat" it should be "to beat". and "You are throwing me like a bottle of wine" maybe "you are throwing me AWAY like a bottle of wine" makes it sound less awkward.
Overall: Very nice write and great talent on a hard, emotional topic. well done :)

[Falling Leaf.]

It's nice, with an unexpected ending, but the rhythm seems a little off. Some lines are much longer than others. Also, "...which never shine." You should say "which will never shine", or "which never shone." Needs a bit of editng, but nice work.

[Ray]

** "which will never shine"**//or "who will" like Pencrafter said. Really great poem, there's some lines that just seem out of place. I know it's hard to make poems rhyme, but some words seem too "hard" (if you get my meaning) in this poem, like :*

" but you don't want me in any case"--> just seems a bit harsh in the poem, I'm now making your life difficult but try to find something smoother...

[Pencrafter]

Your emotionally potent poem is well written, displaying clear mental images and interesting structure. Although, in the second verse you mention, in the first line, a "heart that never got a chance to beat". Unborn babies, even very early on, do have a beating heart, if that's what you were referring to. Also, in the third verse, second line, you might try changing it into "I am that star that will never shine", and the fourth line "You're discarding me like an empty bottle of wine", although that might be a little too long. And the very last line you might add 'the' unborn baby, just to give it a little more balance. Anyway, it's a good, heartfelt poem.

[Ceri]

Beautiful use of metaphors here, no criticism from me. Good work!

[Corset]

oh wow, this is a very tough subject, I think you did it really well.