RAIN RAIN

RAIN RAIN

A Poem by afra

Rain Rain go away 
I have my pain to stay 
To soak me up in tears 
With my pain I play with my fears 

Dreams Dreams why you break
Why can't I live them while I am awake 
I wake up and they are scattered around
And no one is there to pick them off the ground 

Love Love why you came 
For you heart break is just a game 
Though I know it's all fake 
But still its my favorite mistake 

© 2012 afra


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When reading aloud, the rhythm tended to go off in places so, if you want criticism that'd be my main one.

I do like how you opened each of the stanzas with the same rhythm. It unified them and the piece as a whole though, I'd work on the opening line. The "dreams" and "love" lines tie together well but the rain one doesn't (it's tangible unlike the other two). However, I can appreciate why you chose to do that.

I feel many could relate to this, myself included and perhaps that is why I enjoyed this so much. It's emotional very attractive to me as a reader.

Not a bad piece at all, for me, it just needs a little bit of work. I hope you don't take any offence to what I say. This is all just my opinion so, as long as you're happy with the piece then it's fine. Oh, and ignore all that you don't agree with!

Posted 12 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

last stanza, golden

Posted 12 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

wow i can't believe how much i relate to this poem it is amazingly written and you are a very very talented writter

Posted 12 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Wow, i love this poem! :)
GREAT WORK!

Posted 12 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Good

Posted 12 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

You are a master of short poems.

I love the

Rain Rain
Dreams Dreams
Love Love

This creates musicality and a repeated rhythm.

I love the last stanza
where you refer to love as your ' Favourite mistake.'

THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL POEM

Posted 12 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

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Pax
i like the rhyme that goes out well of a song.

Posted 12 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I like that this is written in the style of the rhyme. Very good.

Posted 12 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Hmm I like it. Has a different little ring to it. That's awesome. Great job. I can relate to some of it too

Posted 12 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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421 Views
18 Reviews
Rating
Shelved in 2 Libraries
Added on June 23, 2012
Last Updated on June 23, 2012

Author

afra
afra

Toronto, Mississauga, Canada



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