RAIN RAIN

Rain Rain go away 

I have my pain to stay 

To soak me up in tears 

With my pain I play with my fears 

Dreams Dreams why you break

Why can't I live them while I am awake 

I wake up and they are scattered around

And no one is there to pick them off the ground 

Love Love why you came 

For you heart break is just a game 

Though I know it's all fake 

But still its my favorite mistake 

Reviews

[Alicia Beavis]

When reading aloud, the rhythm tended to go off in places so, if you want criticism that'd be my main one.

I do like how you opened each of the stanzas with the same rhythm. It unified them and the piece as a whole though, I'd work on the opening line. The "dreams" and "love" lines tie together well but the rain one doesn't (it's tangible unlike the other two). However, I can appreciate why you chose to do that.

I feel many could relate to this, myself included and perhaps that is why I enjoyed this so much. It's emotional very attractive to me as a reader.

Not a bad piece at all, for me, it just needs a little bit of work. I hope you don't take any offence to what I say. This is all just my opinion so, as long as you're happy with the piece then it's fine. Oh, and ignore all that you don't agree with!

[Tomi]

Pain has never sounded so interesting! very good writing! i throroughly enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing

[Debbie_Philly]

I know how you feel with pain.... Im in it allot myself.... great piece about your feelings and its always good to get that out... confessional poetry is one of my favs... :)

[Shay]

This is true and I enjoyed reading it

[Pencrafter]

Interesting poem. If I may; several of your poems reflect a depressing mood caused by loss of a companion. Sometime we seek solace in pleasant dreams. The pain of heartbreak just takes time to heal. Perhaps a new love or involvement in new goals in life can hasten the healing. I like the mental images and emotion displayed in your writing. The middle verse here contains some lines with too many syllables, causing an uneven flow. Otherwise, it's a nice poem.

[外人 (Gaiji..]

Great flow, interesting thoughts ... a little sad, though !

[Katrina Mckeown]

perfectly written.

[Coyote Poetry]

Nice use of repetition. I like the flow of the poem and the very good ending. A fun poem to read. Thank you for the excellent poem.
Coyote

[....]

love that 1st stanza, this is a wonderful write

[devon]

I really love the repeating of rhythm and words in each beginning line of each stanza.

My favorite like would have to be, "Why can't I live them while I am awake". I think it sums up how I feel a lot of the time. :)

This poem was really nice, though I noticed a few grammatical errors. For example, here, "Dreams Dreams why you break" you should change it to "Dreams, Dreams, why do you break?"

Hope this helped! And GREAT poetry! :)