THAT GUY

It was a perfect Monday evening

Perfect until and that guy came out of nowhere 

And aimed his gun at me

He pulled the trigger and the bullet hit my knee

He smiled as I screamed with pain

I never wanted to die in vain

My white pants turned into red

And then he smiled and aimed his gun on my head 

The whole 14 years flashed before my eyes

Is this the end, am I really going to die

Tears started streaming down my face whenever I saw his gun

My life was going to end before it really begun

I was the one who used to wish to die

Now when he is killing me, why is it making me cry?

I closed my eyes as he was pulling the trigger again

Then I heard the gun short and the loud noise damaged each cell of my brain

As soon as I opened my eyes I saw him dead on the ground

He was shot by one of the officers standing around

Whenever I think of him I end up on screams

That guy still haunts me in my dreams

Author's Note

Not my best but please tell me what you think

Reviews

[eeoopig]

This is an interesting piece, with some great imagination to it. It does need some serious editing though (corrections on right in CAPS).
"Perfect until and guy" do you mean: Perfect until THAT guy
"My white pant turned into red" do you mean: my white PANTS turned red -> (into is unneeded)
"aimed his gun on my head " do you mean: aimed his gun AT my head
"going to die" do you mean: going to die? -> question mark
this sentence is a bit long: "Then I heard the gun short and the loud noise damaged each cell of my brain" how about separating them into two?:
Then I heard the gun SHOT
and the loud noise damaged each cell of my brain
"the offices standing" do you mean: the OFFICERS standing
there are a few others, so please look out for them. Grr I hate grammar. Anyway, good job on this - I enjoyed it!

[J. F. Charleston]

I see the randomness that life can throw at you in this. It was good but I'm troubled as to why the guy did what he did. But after all there could be no reason. Very well written.

[Nicholas Antonio Young]

Did this really happen to you? This is intense! I like the rhymes you put together. wel done.

[Cosmic kid]

I love the emotional affect this has on the reader, putting the reader in a position on the prey it's beautiful good job :)

[Thomas Fitzgerald]

I feel as if your pulling focus from your technical skill to forward the point of the piece. Which, is something we as poets do all the time. I enjoy your very deliberate sense of imagery packed punches. this one is a winner for me, however, please go back and be ruthless with editing, it's a necessary evil, well done, good read.

[Brittany]

I agree with the packed punches. I liked that about this piece.

[Walker Andreasen]

I agree with the going back and being ruthless with the editing. Not trying to be mean, but this deffinately(sp?) needs a little more thought on structure.

[Owlgirl]

I agree with this, it was a great poem, but needs editing.