THAT GUY

It was a perfect Monday evening

Perfect until and that guy came out of nowhere 

And aimed his gun at me

He pulled the trigger and the bullet hit my knee

He smiled as I screamed with pain

I never wanted to die in vain

My white pants turned into red

And then he smiled and aimed his gun on my head 

The whole 14 years flashed before my eyes

Is this the end, am I really going to die

Tears started streaming down my face whenever I saw his gun

My life was going to end before it really begun

I was the one who used to wish to die

Now when he is killing me, why is it making me cry?

I closed my eyes as he was pulling the trigger again

Then I heard the gun short and the loud noise damaged each cell of my brain

As soon as I opened my eyes I saw him dead on the ground

He was shot by one of the officers standing around

Whenever I think of him I end up on screams

That guy still haunts me in my dreams

Author's Note

Not my best but please tell me what you think

Reviews

[eeoopig]

This is an interesting piece, with some great imagination to it. It does need some serious editing though (corrections on right in CAPS).
"Perfect until and guy" do you mean: Perfect until THAT guy
"My white pant turned into red" do you mean: my white PANTS turned red -> (into is unneeded)
"aimed his gun on my head " do you mean: aimed his gun AT my head
"going to die" do you mean: going to die? -> question mark
this sentence is a bit long: "Then I heard the gun short and the loud noise damaged each cell of my brain" how about separating them into two?:
Then I heard the gun SHOT
and the loud noise damaged each cell of my brain
"the offices standing" do you mean: the OFFICERS standing
there are a few others, so please look out for them. Grr I hate grammar. Anyway, good job on this - I enjoyed it!

[Josh]

A dash of punctuation, a pinch of grammar corrections, add in your ideas and you have one hell of a recipe for a great poem. Too be uncritical would not do justice to this piece, so I will agree with everyone else that it needs some touching up. The thought process, however; is spot on. Keep up the good work.

[kayla]

This is a good poem, and if this is true, I'm sorry that it happened. I agree with Ama May Cooper that the 2nd line doesn't make sense and confused me, but for all I know you have a distinct reason for having it there.
The content of the poem is full of emotion and imagery, and I love it. The writing itself seems a little mechanical to me, but that's just my person opinion. My favorite lines were:
"I was the one who used to wish to die

Now when he is killing me, why is it making me cry?"
Good poem(:

[JewelsIsabella]

It may not be your best but, I still think its awesome.

[Ama May Cooper]

2nd line - the sentance dosen't actually make sense i think you've missed out a word somewhere

Dark and gory just how i like it, very well written , imagery is very good.
Dont be so hard on yourself this is a really good piece of work

[MOON]

Like the story you told

[T. Logan]

This is really scary! It sounds like something from a movie, and I really like that about this. It paints a picture.

[Annie S]

i like it

[Celestial Witch Child]

I kinda like it, but something about the eleventh line is off. Change the word whenever-- it just gives it a feel like you were seeing his gun on many different occasions instead of only when he was about to shoot you. This piece has potential.

[Matty Bosox]

Well Afra, once again, you write a poem which could be so powerful and have such great meaning...Then you just seem to blow it up by just writing too fast or forcing yourself to complete it...Your idea for this write was excellent, and I have seen your talent for amazing poems, but this one, especially with the idea and concept could have been MUCH better...

[Brittany]

I liked this. I liked the story that you told. I have a few suggestions of course.

I like that you rhymed with this, but the beat seemed a little off. Count syllables maybe?

I'd suggest a question mark at the end of sentences because it helps the reader hear the tone of your voice better...or maybe I'm the only one who has a voice in my head. :)

again and brain don't fit together very well.