THAT GUY

It was a perfect Monday evening

Perfect until and that guy came out of nowhere 

And aimed his gun at me

He pulled the trigger and the bullet hit my knee

He smiled as I screamed with pain

I never wanted to die in vain

My white pants turned into red

And then he smiled and aimed his gun on my head 

The whole 14 years flashed before my eyes

Is this the end, am I really going to die

Tears started streaming down my face whenever I saw his gun

My life was going to end before it really begun

I was the one who used to wish to die

Now when he is killing me, why is it making me cry?

I closed my eyes as he was pulling the trigger again

Then I heard the gun short and the loud noise damaged each cell of my brain

As soon as I opened my eyes I saw him dead on the ground

He was shot by one of the officers standing around

Whenever I think of him I end up on screams

That guy still haunts me in my dreams

Author's Note

Not my best but please tell me what you think

Reviews

[eeoopig]

This is an interesting piece, with some great imagination to it. It does need some serious editing though (corrections on right in CAPS).
"Perfect until and guy" do you mean: Perfect until THAT guy
"My white pant turned into red" do you mean: my white PANTS turned red -> (into is unneeded)
"aimed his gun on my head " do you mean: aimed his gun AT my head
"going to die" do you mean: going to die? -> question mark
this sentence is a bit long: "Then I heard the gun short and the loud noise damaged each cell of my brain" how about separating them into two?:
Then I heard the gun SHOT
and the loud noise damaged each cell of my brain
"the offices standing" do you mean: the OFFICERS standing
there are a few others, so please look out for them. Grr I hate grammar. Anyway, good job on this - I enjoyed it!

[Dez H.]

This is good. Your imagination broke free and you let it fly away. I hung on every word to the very end. Good s**t ms lady.

[Michael G.]

A lot of things go through your head when there is a gun pointed at you. It's amazing you can still breathe. Your heart feels like it's jumping out of you, and time comes to a complete halt.
Good write.

[Serenity Faith]

Gosh darn Afra...wish I could be the officer in this poem....though then I might get arrested by another officer for overkill after I got through shooting "that guy" a few more times for good measure....great write as always though ^_~

[murrill]

Great poems I through in a helpful poem for you Go back and fix yours however you see it in your own thoughts Keep up the good work.

[murrill]

It was a unexpected Monday evening
A guy full of rage came out of nowhere

He revealed a gun beneith his coat and aimed at me

He pulled the trigger and the bullet hit my knee

He smiled as I screamed with pain

I never wanted to die in vain

My white pants was saturated with red

That guy smiled as he pointed the gun to my head

Death will soon take me as the 14 years flashed before my eyes

Is this the end, am I really going to die

Tears streamed down my face as I stare into the barerel of the gun

My life was going to end before it really begun

I was the one who used to wish to die

Now when he is killing me, why is it making me cry?

I closed my eyes as he was pulling the trigger again

That guy hesitated to take another drink of the bottle of gen.

As soon as I opened my eyes I saw him dead on the ground

He was shot by one of the officers standing around

Whenever I think of him I end up on screams

That guy still haunts me in my dreams

[Peaceworker22]

Is this the end, am I really going to die(?) Then I heard the gun short (Shot) Whenever I think of him I end up on scream(ing). Pretty good, but I'll have to take 5 points off for all the mistakes. I could imagine that creep perfectly when I read it, and funny enough, it looked like an anime in my imagination. 85/100 Kudos. : )

[ewest1220]

I agree with Thomas if you were just a little more ruthless at the end this would have a very brutal sinister touch that would be just fantastic. However I do like it how it is you are very talented! Great work!

[That_Girl]

Needs a bit of editing but it's a good start. :) I like the story line.

[SoulCrusader (Yas)]

I love story telling type of poems, this was sure a good one :)

[Debbie_Philly]

Oh what a sad and powerful piece... I live where there is allot of crime and gunshots all the time... but to be the victim like this and to pretty much have PTSD is so sad.... the last line really hit hard.... great write !!