THAT GUY

It was a perfect Monday evening

Perfect until and that guy came out of nowhere 

And aimed his gun at me

He pulled the trigger and the bullet hit my knee

He smiled as I screamed with pain

I never wanted to die in vain

My white pants turned into red

And then he smiled and aimed his gun on my head 

The whole 14 years flashed before my eyes

Is this the end, am I really going to die

Tears started streaming down my face whenever I saw his gun

My life was going to end before it really begun

I was the one who used to wish to die

Now when he is killing me, why is it making me cry?

I closed my eyes as he was pulling the trigger again

Then I heard the gun short and the loud noise damaged each cell of my brain

As soon as I opened my eyes I saw him dead on the ground

He was shot by one of the officers standing around

Whenever I think of him I end up on screams

That guy still haunts me in my dreams

Author's Note

Not my best but please tell me what you think

Reviews

[eeoopig]

This is an interesting piece, with some great imagination to it. It does need some serious editing though (corrections on right in CAPS).
"Perfect until and guy" do you mean: Perfect until THAT guy
"My white pant turned into red" do you mean: my white PANTS turned red -> (into is unneeded)
"aimed his gun on my head " do you mean: aimed his gun AT my head
"going to die" do you mean: going to die? -> question mark
this sentence is a bit long: "Then I heard the gun short and the loud noise damaged each cell of my brain" how about separating them into two?:
Then I heard the gun SHOT
and the loud noise damaged each cell of my brain
"the offices standing" do you mean: the OFFICERS standing
there are a few others, so please look out for them. Grr I hate grammar. Anyway, good job on this - I enjoyed it!

[Shay]

Wow that was really amazing, I loved it

[Pax]

i really like this, the scene is well place like in a movie, the rhyming is really good, the thrill and suspense is good, and lastly the ending is brilliant.

some typo error: gun short maybe you mean gun shot.

[Androglossia]

Creative people are really different.We find it better to write in a window in intense inspiration because we can not only produce better work, but more of it and everything you write is never anything that you've written before. It's always different. Like this one. You said this is not your best but this is something different.

What I like about the poem is the abrupt transition from a nice scene to an almost tragic climax down to a settling yet haunting ending. It's like a compressed narrative story.

A few corrections here and there but just a little fix will make it spotless. Good job!

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

"I was the one who used to wish to die
Now when he is killing me, why is it making me cry?" the realization in these lines is a poem all it's own...perhaps go into it more deeply and it will be.

I agree with many of the reviewers that this could be made clearer and extremely potent if given just a bit of editing and digging into each statement. You have some wonderful advice in the previous reviews so I will defer to them. Great idea, and keep going!

[Skye]

How did you come up with this? Creepy. But I loved reading it. :)

[Beck Louise]

This is very interesting, great

[HopelessRomantic]

That was extrememly thrilling and exciting. Great job as usual on all your work

[mariah]

wow...deep and very imaginative. great work!
-mariah

[♪The Girl Next Do..]

Interesting. A very good piece, I love it :)

[Mr.Cardigan]

i love it it was like i was watching a scene in my mind great job