BLIND

Today I saw a blind person at the mall ... and, when I came home this poem came in my mind

I am lost in the darkness  

Searching for a light 

Trying to find a way to end this night 

All my smiles have been lost in the dark 

The wounds of mistakes always leave their mark 

Darkness has captured my heart and soul 

I am walking alone and I know that I am scared

Oh God give me pain which can be bared 

Sometimes I trip, sometimes I fall 

But no one seems to hear when I call 

I wash my face,rub my eyes 

But I can't see a thing as hard as I try 

But then the voice of people passing by 

Help me  remind 

"watch out that guy is blind"

Reviews

[Dean Kuch®]

If Robert Bloch or Alfred Hitchcock had been poets , they would have surely written something like this! Always that eye opening and gut wrenching "TWIST" at the end that makes their works so intriguing.
You pulled that off with this one for me. And, if you'll pardon the pun, I didn't even SEE it coming!

[Dez H.]

I like this it is deep. you have a way with your words that come together perfectly.

[teddy]

awesome ...keep writing barbie doll

[afra]

aww thank you teddy bear

[Laura Maidah]

The first two lines are kind of the dynamite to your poem. Implicit, you know? Try to make it compact and edit the extra words. I would omit those lines and start with "Trying to find..." I LOVE DARK/MARK. Great. Not cheesy, like most rhymers here. The second stanza first line is implies in the whole running motif. I would omit. Keeps the pacing up. The oh, god needs a comma after oh because it's an exclamatory. I tripled checked linguistic codes of modern interjections for you. The washing/rubbing face was random. What does cleanliness have to do with anything? Try clarifying. I get that the rubbing eyes is blinding, but why is it after a face-wash? Is he wearing eyeliner? It was bipolar in tone. The second line last stanza is pretty weak in delivery.

"But I can't see a whit; my eyes lie."
It's stronger, diction-wise. Just an improv. Not the best revision. Lol.

Last line? BRILLIANT conceptually. But the uncaps is distracting, an inconsistency with the rest of the paragraph. Modern poetry does mess around with tradition, but it's consistent in trend throughout the vignette. Nice work, overall. The voices of people is plural by the way. And myriad insinuation is plural.

[harry]

woooooo a total twist in the end ....I wasn't expecting this...good job barbie doll .....really different and amazing write

[afra]

thank you harry potter

[Beck Louise]

Wow, this is really great! :o well done!

[afra]

thank you

[Owlgirl]

Wow, emotional, and greatly written!

[afra]

thank you

[~LadyWolf~]

Very well written!

[afra]

thank you

[~LadyWolf~]

You're welcome :)

[darkness*star1985]

I like this alot, at frist i thought you were writing about a darkside of life but then it turn in to be about a guy that was blind. Very nice writting, brillrant!!!!

[afra]

thank you

[mariah]

wow, very powerful. i have written in a perspective close to this before, but nothing quite like the way you portrayed. really awesome job, keep up the work!!!!!!
-Mariah

[afra]

thank you

[mariah]

yeah no problem! i like reading your work

[afra]

awww thank you sweety ...i love ur work too

[mariah]

:) thanks!