BLIND

Today I saw a blind person at the mall ... and, when I came home this poem came in my mind

I am lost in the darkness  

Searching for a light 

Trying to find a way to end this night 

All my smiles have been lost in the dark 

The wounds of mistakes always leave their mark 

Darkness has captured my heart and soul 

I am walking alone and I know that I am scared

Oh God give me pain which can be bared 

Sometimes I trip, sometimes I fall 

But no one seems to hear when I call 

I wash my face,rub my eyes 

But I can't see a thing as hard as I try 

But then the voice of people passing by 

Help me  remind 

"watch out that guy is blind"

Reviews

[Dean Kuch®]

If Robert Bloch or Alfred Hitchcock had been poets , they would have surely written something like this! Always that eye opening and gut wrenching "TWIST" at the end that makes their works so intriguing.
You pulled that off with this one for me. And, if you'll pardon the pun, I didn't even SEE it coming!

[Carrie]

I like the twist at the end and revealation that the person is blind, I enjoyed this poem and think you did a good job describing what someone might feel even if they are experiencing temporary blindness.

[Matty Bosox]

Afra it always startles me how up and down you are when it comes to your work...You have such an AMAZING talent for words and emotion in your words...Like Dillon Thomas or Malcolm X you have the power to move a 5000 ton brick....Yet...at the same time it comes in spurts sometimes with you...This poem for instance HIT me with amazing in the beggining, started to fall off, and then jumped back up and HIT me again at the end with the whole blind thing...It seems to me you try to hard to get something to rhyme at times...Just let it flow like I know you can do....All in all from good to great to excellent I have to give this a great not quite excellent.

[RFDIII]

The first two stanzas seem to leave a more serious tone, but the third seems to come out of left wing. I'd most certainly say the last line is simply far too casual to be used and throws the poem off, as it does seem forced, like a jigsaw that doesn't fit.

As for your rhyme scheme, rhyme is good, but for some reason I find the rhymes predictable. Your first stanza is AA, BB, the second stanza is AA, BB, and the third stanza is also AA, BB. This is but a trifle, but everything in moderation. I suggest mixing it up a little!

And if you are going for rhyming, you simply must be aware of your syllables. For rhyme, you must have rhythm and if the rhythm is disoriented, it gives the poem a disoriented feel.

For instance,
The first line has six syllables
The second has four
The third has ten.

I wish I could give you some solid advice here, but everyone needs to work out their own rhythm. I just wanted to point out that yours is a bit all over the place.

I hope none of this disheartens you, you're definitely improving from what I've seen of your poems, and I give you criticism in hopes of seeing you improve even more! Keep at it my friend.

[Johnny Joe]

Good poem!

[Coyote Poetry]

Blindness is hard to understand for a person with vision. I wonder how someone gain the guts to walk and live without their vision? I know they must use the other senses. I like the flow and thoughts in the poem. A very good ending to a excellent poem.
Coyote

[Enar]

The first stanza is out beats the rest for the way it sounds
But the last few lines hold the most meaning; and is most direct
Overall i really liked it

[Barbara Walker]

Good rhymes and flow! Surprise last line! Next to last line, "Help me, remind me," I don't think that will interfere with your flow and rhyme, but add to it. As it is, the reader (me) wants to mentally add it in, anyway. Very nice write!
PS. punctuation, commas, periods...don't you get tired of my nagging?:)

[Olivia Marie]

Very nice, I enjoyed reading it :)

[That_Girl]

Your words flow very smoothly. Great poem. :)

[Skye]

The first five lines are amazing, apsolutly my favorite. The rest of the poem just finishes it up. Lovely. :)