Obstructed

In honour of the one who opened my eyes to a forgotten promise I had made to myself, I present "Obstructed".

Preface

 

As a way of expressing my feelings through a time of not having the opportunity to do so physically, silence was the most powerful scream.

 

 

I am done. It is over. I give up. If we were meant to be together, we would be together. I am giving up on us, by virtue of the fact that I am no longer able to get to you. I have been counting days since the last word you wrote to me. Reluctantly, I am swallowing my pride and saying goodbye. For the sake of my love for you. 

 

Do you remember that weekend we went up to my family’s cabin? The weather was terrible. A storm was building up outside, so we arranged the sofa into this king size bed in front of the fireplace. I remember I had been wanting to tell you something I had been holding onto in my mind for quite some time, something that I had been waiting for the right moment to share with you. We were wrapped in a duvet in front of the fireplace and I whispered to you “I love you”. You looked at me with the most unreadable face expression one could ever imagine, sighed deeply like you were lifting a burden of your shoulders, and said: “I love you”.

         I guess I had been so afraid of your answer for so long that when you said it, it did not make sense to me. I had been closing my eyes so hard, not wanting to hear the disappointment I had been predicting, that when I opened them after you had said the one thing, the one wish, I could never imagine you would fulfil, I looked at you and frowned. I shook my head a little bit and thought that a guy like you; with a heart of gold, strong, safe, humorous and peoples-man, could never love such a messed up, control freak of an eager, restless, fairy tale-wishing girl like me. In my confusion, I said to you: “You don’t have to say it to please me, I just wanted you to know. I want you to mean it as well, anytime and for however long it must take for you to ever feel that for me, I will wait. Please do not say it to please me.” You frowned a bit, and was looking for words. I burst out:  “But if you do love me; Wake me up tomorrow, kiss me, and say it.”

         I woke up the morning after and felt an arm wrapped around my waist. A slight headache was making me frown and I whimpered a bit as the arm wrapping me turned me around to face the guy I loved with my presumably awful morning breath and headache. You kissed me softly and said: “I love you”. You wrapped me closer to your bare chest, kissed me again and said: “I love you”. You kissed me from my left cheek to my right cheek to my forehead to my chin to my nose and on my mouth, and said: “I love you”. I couldn’t respond, my joy was wrapped in my head with a red silk bow and was prevented from unwrapping due to past denials. I just wanted to keep hearing it.

 

         That was only about two months of knowing each other, and two weeks of being committed to each other,

and it took you only two weeks to feel nothing for me ever again.

 

*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It began as a summer flirt, and that is what we should have settled with. It never developed from the fairy tale summer flirt. We never got past the wish for constant butterflies. We expected more of us than we were capable of. The fling could not last forever, it should have developed into love, but we were not adapting to the surroundings. We lived in a prison for the crime of desperate desire for love. He wasn’t craving for me; he was craving for love. So how do you look at the boy you love and tell yourself it is time to walk away?

 

…No, he does not love me. He never really did and he sure never will. I wanted to earn his love, but it wasn’t mine to earn. I wasn’t the one. I am not the one.

         I guess it was ok to think I was the one, it sure felt that way, for a little while.. It felt good being ‘a Brown’. I remember it so perfectly; I was so completely in love that I almost felt sick. It felt like a fever: a hypnotizing and foggy fever. I never knew how to feel about it. He made me dizzy. The way his muscles seemed to struggle to persevere the day made me feel like I could never live without him. I needed that strength. I wonder if that is the reason why I can not seem to let go, because the strength he had been providing carved a hole in me when he walked away. Now I need that hole gone.

         He told me the world was mine, that he let go of me to let my wings fly, but I always knew I needed a companion. A pilot needs a companion. Now he is gone and his love is no longer for me. It is hard to suddenly have to let go of all the common responsibility.  He “cared”, “loved me with all his heart” and said goodbye with the most ironic respond: “regards YOUR Johan”. Well, for what I know he did not even shed a tear.

         His love hit me like a bullet in the core of my heart. I was flying carelessly in the sky, not touching the ground, when he knocked me to it. I presume he was knocking me to reality. He never felt the flying as I did. He left me with a text message, leaving me with the beautiful lie that he loved me with all his heart, keeping me wanting more. How can you express love with all of your heart and so easily let the person you have promised your love to in a miserable state for so long, to subsequently let that person go?

        

 

                 *

The sky was falling down for me, he did not feel a thing, and I was left with a broken heart. I want it gone… This terrible, depressing, nagging and constant feeling that is stabbing my heart. Is it not true that you cannot say you have loved with all of your heart, unless you have felt the person you loved take a piece of it with them when they are gone? Is not that full-hearted love?

        

He was the only one I gave my trust to and now I feel embarrassed about it. Yet, he has illuminated something I have long forgotten. A forgotten perspective I have been ignorant of lost in my hippocampus, since the day I was convinced otherwise; when I let myself fall for him...:

What is the point of marrying someone you later will divorce?

I have never understood that part of love and marriage. To be honest, I have felt hurt and tried to displace the stories I have heard where cheating, divorce and dissatisfaction of love have occurred. I believe that, unless there has developed violence within a relationship, anything can be fixed. One had sworn a vow of loving one another for better and for worse until death separates them apart. Marriage is a gift. True and loyal proofs of whole-heartedly love for one another. A lifetime promise of loyalty in two rings. Call me old fashioned, but I can understand the unwillingness the church was facing when a married couple came to fail the marriage contents and traditional vows of love.

The point is that he knew loyalty meant so much to me. He was aware of that since the first day of acknowledgement. Thus, he broke it, and it hurt me so much not only that he broke the promise - rather less that - than the fact that he could not remember to have made the promise. Loyalty was my demand… He knew I had a fear of falling too deep and be fooled once again. He knew I was afraid to lose him. In every way… Mentally and physically…

 

Now, I have been trying to ignore the big lump in my throat. I should not be crying. Tears are for the weaker and I am too occupied to show anything else than strength. I am stronger now, or so I say.

         There is no one to call, because I have given them the no access sign. I swear I am happy, but I am feeling more alone than ever because I spend too much time trying to go through the emotions. Time I do not have. I can not even get the emotions to react, I am dry as a bone and I do not know where to go, what to feel, how to cry or how to get passed it. I can not help to feel that it was all in vain.

Time has passed and my heart has frozen. He had managed to melt my heart, of which I had been locking for a long time. His embrace and his smile were so warm and safe that I thought I finally had found something true. He cut my heart oped and I bled love - he drained me. Now, he has taken away all my love, but its ok, because what do I need it for? He can take away everything, the apologies, the kisses, the intimacy, the warmth, and I beg of him to take away the shattered pieces and parts of me as well. This time I have had enough. If he does not take it away I will run for it. I never knew I was capable of falling so hard for someone after the ice age that I had created as a shelter. I think it is time to realise that there is no more mending to be made. He can throw away the letters, take his things and burn the photographs. Every time I see them I am broken and shattered again. I got nothing left inside, nothing to hide and my heart is incomprehensible. It is like the global warming affecting the earth; his warmth have affected me and it will keep affecting me until something triggers a climax and explodes back into the same ice age as before.

 

                 *

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The summer was as bright as daylight, then at the end the clouds rolled in and turned it into a wintertime depression. Compared to SAD (Seasonal affective disorder). Due to loss of sun and increased hours of darkness in our season it depressed us. I do not know why I am still surprised of why it turned out that way, why the depression developed into such a disseminated catastrophe, when it is so natural.

 

I am a stupid girl for even dreaming I could have the dream man and fairy tale relationship - the constant happiness - when intruding feelings was seeking under my conscience. I see now, that if it seems to good to be true, it probably is.

         They say it will get better with time, but I still feel like I need him. Honestly, when does it get better? 

Words never seemed to come out right, and they still do not, even though my intension is that I still mean them. It hurts my pride to tell anyone how I feel, it did and it would have, if I dared to let anyone know. Why is that?
         He has been the only thing that is right, now I can barely look at him. When he said goodbye, I could hardly speak, but whimper. I prayed that I’d not faint; I was paralyzed at the second his words entered.

 

The worst part of the goodbye was when we drove and I could not hear anything but the wheels spinning. We hadn’t talked since he left and it was overdue. It was cold outside, but worse between us. The world had stopped and my heart beat at its highest speed limit because I knew the worst part was occurring: where the end starts.
         I could not take it, I thought that we were so much stronger, but all we did was lingering and slipping through each other’s fingers.

I kept pushing the engine to see if he would come to make things right, but it was stupid, I still love him, but how can I do this to myself? I did not want to listen to him, by cause of his insistent attempt to repeatedly break my heart.

 

I had never felt something as strong; being both a friend and a lover. Then abruptly he left and I did not know how to be subsequent to him. I felt so empty, and he does not even recognize the way he hurt me, does he?

         I know or knew that I would do anything for the one I loved and wanted to be there for him every time he needed me. Then, he decided he had his own problems and needed to sort them out himself. Can you guess the frustration my love-swept-ness caused me when I could not be there for the one I loved when he needed something or someone. I obviously was not the one he needed.

         He made it so hard. It was right in front of him all the time; he had the opportunity to tell me how he felt all the time, but he would rather wait and give me the tormenting silent treatment.

He said he let go of me to "put me out of my misery", but he did so much worse telling me that after the two week long silent treatment, than he would if he told me right away. But I guess I got the answer why he did not want to tell me why he suddenly decided to break it off, when I dug deeper; he had lost his feelings for me. Now, can anyone tell me how one is supposed to react to that? I sure did it wrong, as though that was the moment when I forfeited.             

 

 

*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He did not have the feeling of being in love anymore. Well, I did not either; mine changed into a deep love feeling. While, I guess, his faded entirely.

 

Did he expect us to be as romantically in love as when we first met? I can see how he could be disappointed, then.  Did he lie ‘for my own good’ to make his conscious feel better? Considering that he “loved me with all his heart regards your Johan”? Was it genuinely a way of glazing the part that he wanted to break up with me? Wow. How about a round of applause?

I feel as small as humanly possible. He has compressed me into the smallest thing, feeling watched and judged by the universe. The universe responds to even a thought. At least I know now that I should be careful with people - they tend to kill anything with a promise. Ask history for proof.

I wanted to be the person someone could not lose the interest in so easily, someone one would want to be around and someone one would want to experience. But there is a difference between who we love, who we settle for and who we are meant for, is it not? I guess that me wanting to some day be all of that is too much to urge for.

        

Burn this piece of writing by this time, if you do not wish to attempt understanding anymore.

 

I believe it is those little moments, those simple and significant moments of clear happiness that makes it hard for a person to understand closure. Therefore, I give you a piece of my journal, a quote from that day, how my happiness with him felt and why he hurt me:

“I woke up in the middle of the night for no reason, shifting under the blankets and felt the heat of the person next to me - you. I turned around and saw you in the most peaceful, innocent and vulnerable state. You breathed as though the weight of the world lay on anyone’s shoulders but you own. I smiled, kissed your face in the gentlest manner so as not to wake you. I turned back around and involuntary grinned forms on my face. I felt an arm wrapped around my waist, and I knew it would not get better than this.”

        

But I guess we all have this perfect picture in our minds of how things are supposed to be and that is why we all end up being disappointed. And these things happen. These people leave us, do not love us, or we do not get them, and we lose and fail and hurt one another.
         Someone told me a while ago that if I would have gone to a psychologist, he would probably diagnose me with Pistanthrophobia: the fear of trusting people because the past experiences with relationships have gone bad. What a stereotyped diagnose, ha? 

 

 

 

My breakdown was quite simple:
“This isn’t suppose to happen, everything is going so wrong, it is not supposed to turn out this way”. My worst fear was losing him and I did. Therefore, I make no apologies for how I choose to repair what he broke.

 

 

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What are the odds of finding someone in the one persons most rebellious time, fall in love in the summer when one can think one have all the time in the world together, known each other for two months when one of them leaves to serve their duty, while the other one is studying at one of the worlds most challenging and demanding schools and does not really have time for a commitment, to then manage to stay together, not really knowing each other, throughout the other persons whole military service? 

The fact is as he said: we were dating during his military service longer than we dated outside of it.

         It is hard to be inflicted by someone you love, for then to dwell about the relationship when it never will be fixed. The anguish of grief one feels is excruciating, so I want no memories. I will miss him too much for me to bear and he has closed me out for so long, that I am closing the gate of entrance for anyone.

 

But please remember, for the sake of ones future, there is a reason for why the Norwegian word for girlfriend/boyfriend is called “kjæreste”. He/she is supposed to be the dearest person you hold. Do not close that person out when you think you need it most, it will ruin more than it will help. The ones that love each other will always want to find a way to help and understand. A person is the best medicine for a person.
Never take the easy way out. That is a rule of life as a whole, both in love and elsewise, I have heard…

 

I believe that it does not matter for people who the person you draw you attention to are, it is that simple feeling you get that is everything.

 

“It is only love, only pain and fear that runs through my veins. It is all the things you cant explain that makes us human.” "(Human, 2012. Civil Twilight)

 

 

 

 

 

 

…But thanks for the butterflies.

                

*

Addition

 

Quotes from the journal

 

“I told you how you hurt me, baby, but you don’t care. Now, I’ve been crying and deserted, baby, but you don’t care. Ain’t nobody tell me this is love, you’re immune to my pain. You don’t care, well that’s okay. I still care and I know you don’t care too much. I swear you like when I’m in pain. Boy, maybe if you cared enough I wouldn’t have to care so much. What happened to out trust? Now, you’ve just given up. You used to be so in love, now you don’t care no more. I was here and I loved.” (Beyonce)

 

“I can’t make you love me if you don’t, I can’t make your heart feel something it wont. I close my eyes; because I don’t want to see the love you don’t feel when you’re holding me. Morning will come and I’ll do what is right, just give me until then to give up this fight. Then I will give up this fight.” (Bon Iver)

 

“Shadows settle on the place that you left, my mind is troubled by the emptiness. From the perfect start to the finish line. And if you’re still breathing you’re the lucky ones. ‘Cause I am heaving through corrupted lungs, setting fire to my insides for fun. Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong. Well, I’ve lost it all, I am just a silhouette; a lifeless face that you’ll soon forget. Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest, but I’m setting fire to my insides for fun to distract my heart from ever missing him. But I’m forever missing him.” (Daugher)

Author's Note

ignore grammar problems