Senryu Attempts

I admire those who can write senryu very well. I hope my attempts below are quite good.

Slaved lust's desire,

you're beast in human disguise.

God demands justice.

(One who rapes)

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Satan wears no horns.

He's clever, never obvious,

wearing tailored clothes.

(Temptation)

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He said he loves me.

I'm his one and only girl.

He does not know Math.

(Heartbreaker)

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Art's highest level.

Beauty made, not just copied.

I don't understand.

(Abstract Art)

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Set your work aside.

There's enough time, anyway.

Pay the price later.

(Procrastination)

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One bite to Bliss Ville.

Happy hormones at their peak.

Minutes later. . .ZZZZ!

(Chocolates)

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Root of all evil.

Needed and worshiped by all.

You're overrated.

(Money)

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Burgers. Crispy fries.

Hunger heroes. Time savers.

Garbage beautified.

(Fast Food)

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Chorus of the crowd.

Uniform voices and tones.

You are all off key.

(Crowd)

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"Earn Barbie's figure.

That's what perfect beauty is."

Society is sick.

(Beauty)

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Author's Note

I love fries. And I am not really against fast food... I just don't like excessive consumption of unhealthy non-essentials. (Look who's taking! Haha.)

Many thanks to Nusquam who commented on the second senryu and advised me to rewrite it. It's originally "Satan wears no horns./He's too smart to be obvious./He has tailored clothes."

The revision of the first line of the first senryu is credited to none other than Frieda herself. :)

Reviews

[jacob erin-cilberto]

i do like your rewrite of the devil one compared to the first draft...

i like all of these...i would rather not have the pictures and explanations though...the senryus speak for themselves, quite well...

[Blue]

I see... Thank you, Jacob.

[UC Poika]

Apparently according to the Wiki I have been way off for years. Sorry about that. I hope I didn't offend.

[Blue]

You did not. :) You are apparently smart and kind to offer me ideas.

[UC Poika]

It is my understanding senryu is 5/7/5 hiaku stanzas as the one below, but senryu is several of these stanzas (I forget how many) all with a common theme, each stanza to portray a single image like a snap shot, and the entire poem considered more like a photo essay than and a single literary unit. Note: I was taught to write hiaku stanzas with breath beats not syllabic units like we tend to use. Hour for example is one unit to us usually while it would always be used as two breath beats in haiku.

meaningful and true
finding the poetry great
pens poised to review

But all I know is that it is really fun. Thanks for sharing. There is also a form called tanka where just about everything goes with the best sounding Asian at least.

[Blue]

Wow, UC. Your suggestion is really helpful! I'll check out your other poems soon. Thank you for dropping by!

[Eddie Davis]

Well, I'm not sure what the structure of a Senryu is (I'll Google it after I type this), but I really enjoyed these quick poems. My favorite I think was:
He said he loves me.
I'm his one and only girl.
He does not know Math.

I loved the humor of the last line! I really enjoyed all of these, and since I don't know if they were structurally correct or not, I'd say that they seemed to flow well and looked very good to my untrained eye. I'd love to see more of these!

[Nusquam Esse]

Senryu is a form of Japanese Poetry which in English is divided into 5-7-5 syllable pieces, which carry a theme throughout, and while not mandatory, each line is usually supposed to stand somewhat on its own, but all three flow together. It is similar to a Haiku, but it lacks a 'Season word' or a 'Cutting Phrase'. Note that writing Senryu and Haiku are done differently in English than in Japanese, for reference, I have a haiku and a senryu which I have written in both languages if you need a contrast of the two. (styles/languages)

[Eddie Davis]

Thanks, I admire those who can craft such structured forms of poetry.

[Blue]

Thank you, Eddie! I might try writing more of this form.

[Blue]

Nusquam, it's really kind of you to help Eddie. Best wishes to you!

[Nusquam Esse]

Well... since I am not a regular at writing poetry, Haiku, at least in its conventional forms, is one of the few forms I feel confident in to actually be explaining... >_>

[Blue]

Better be that than "Jack of all trades--master of none". I admire people with specialty.

[Nusquam Esse]

My stance is know something about everything, and everything about something... ;)

[Blue]

Wow. You are a gift, then. I'm honored to be your friend! Have you sent me RRs recently? I still have 172 to read. Haha.

[Frieda P]

You're off on a few counts as Nusquam already pointed out, but I like them all, first line, first Senryu, has 6 counts also...'slaved lust's desire' might work...

[Blue]

My, my! I'm a college student yet I don't know how to count! LOL. Thank you, Frieda!

[Frieda P]

Ha have you been eating froot loops for breakfast? ;-)

[Blue]

I skip breakfast. LOL

[Frieda P]

Ha no wonder, get that first line going girlfriend ;-)

[Blue]

I graduated from being a "teenage nutter"? Hahaha. And hey, I thought the first line is already in six syllables. Unless you mean "lust's" has two syllables?

[Frieda P]

NO you're still a teenage nutter, no doubt! Ha, you need 5 dear, what are you tawkin bout? ;-)

[Blue]

I mean, isn't it already five?

[Frieda P]

I guess you could be right if desire has two, but it's pronounced des-eye-r, will have to google that one......

[Blue]

I just did. www.dictionary.com says [dih-zahyuhr]. How shall I fix this? Haha.

[Frieda P]

I guess you don't like my first suggestion, will think on it nutter. ;-P

[Frieda P]

That actually reads as two, just leave it, not everyone is as anal as moi hahah

[Blue]

I almost forgot about the first suggestion... It's really good. I'll rewrite it, Frieda. Thank you so much. And I like people with that disorder. It makes me think I'm still sane, after all. :P

[Frieda P]

LOL smartypants! ;-P

[Nusquam Esse]

For the first one, I suggest changing it to say "You're a beast" it keeps the syllable count, and feels less awkward.

For the second one, I would suggest the following, (the first one is not really needed, just my idea)
He's clever, never obvious
Wearing tailored Clothes

The fast food one is a bit tricky, since each line should really be its own sentence, not sure about the first line, but the second one could be "Hunger Heroes save Time"
And I have no idea about Chocolate, since you seem to be trying to make it quirky anyway, and it worked... ;)

Senryu is a simple enough format, and you did well.

[Blue]

Nusquam! You really KNOW what you are doing! WOW!

As for the first one, I wrote it originally as "you're" but I typed it wrong. Haha. And hey, your suggestion for the second one hits home, Nusquam! I'll rewrite it as you suggested.

The fast food is meant to be that way though I'm not confident if it's acceptable or good but thank you for pointing it out.

Yes, I love chocolates but I hate it when the bliss has worn off.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

[Nusquam Esse]

I am not confident in free-verse, so I hide away in the bastion known as 'Structure'. Oh, and since I know Japanese, I have a stronger knowledge of haiku and senryu in their traditional form than most. Here is my one and only senryu, in Japanese AND English. http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/omnimalevolent1/1304156/

[Jennie Baron]

Nice, and the photos add a great touch.

[Blue]

Thank you so much, Jennie!