I am a Teen

It's a crazy phase, I tell you.

I am a teen.

I am a fool.

With stupid things that make me cool.

I smoke and curse,

drink beers a lot.

I starve myself just to look hot.

I stay up late,

wake up at noon.

I don't believe I will die soon.

I fall in love,

then rush to bed.

I trust my hormones, not my head.

I swear to change,

leave past behind.

But it's more fun to change my mind.

I'm young and vain.

I'm filled with hate.

But I'll be wiser when it's too late.

Author's Note

Just having fun. :*

Reviews

[M. L. Zane]

Hello Arzel. You summon, and I arrive. Sorry about the delay, but I assure you it was worth it. Book is finished and on Amazon. Song of Sinai, Kindle edition, check it out. Okay, enough shameless plugging.

A well done work, but it would do you good to trim some of the language. Like teenagers, this poem moves quick in one direction, and some of your word choice slows it down a bit. Here, I'll give you an example.

Let's go to "I starve myself just to look hot". I love everything about this line, but the "just to" is weaker, mainly because it sounds like you're forcing justification of these actions. Instead, try this: "I starve myself looking hot". Faster, no breaks, and it flows off the tongue. Oh, and I also suggest changing "hormones" to "body". Hormones just sounds a bit too scientific for a coming (or going) of age piece such as this, and you may like the way it reads a sconch better.

Otherwise, a nice and refreshing example of youthful reflection. Check out Song of Sinai. I think you'll like it a lot.

Regards,
-M.L. Zane

[Blue]

Hello, Zane! Thank you so much for your suggestions. I find them reasonable and helpful. I wrote "I starve myself just to look hot" because I was trying to keep the last line of each stanza in eight syllables. And I think it has a good rhythm. Iambic, even. (i STARVE mySELF just TO look HOT). And I used "hormones" because it's more specific compared to "body" which sounds vague and confusing. Anyway, I really appreciate that you noticed about such details.

[M. L. Zane]

I totally get you, but teenagers *are* vague and confusing. Sometimes, an intentional language scale back helps the theme, you know? Still, there's a beat to it. Keep in touch. I should be a lot more reachable in between shameless promotions.

[Blogger]

This one was really good. Full of good messages and reminders...and fun to read! You sound wise.

[Angel]

Yep...a perfect picture of a teenage girl.
Nicely written...good work.

[BlackHeart]

For just having fun you did a great job. You did a great job on this poem and keep up the great work on and keep writing cause you do it very well.

[Nia Hope]

Adolescence summed up in a few words, wonderful job :)

[Al R. Arce]

It's funny..! You described me when I was in College! It's a miracle I survived! This was extremelly fun!

[Winchester Saltgunner]

thats very deep i feel very close to that same way right now im 13 lol

[Kaitlyn Raiford]

I love this. It flows beautifully and is true, sadly. Keep up the great work! Keep writing the truth.

[Aehr]

This poem made me smile and also made me think. It reminded me of me, and the people I know and get a long with. Love the rhyming. Truth in the words, fun in the way you put them together. Xx.

[Blue]

Thank you, Rhea!

[Aehr]

Any time :)

[MADAM]

Very nice XD though I can't relate except for the staying up late haha I stay up till like 1 AM every day. Anyways the poem was nice and fast paced, really enjoyed it^^)

[Blue]

Haha. I usually stay up at 2. :) Thanks for reviewing my work, MADAM!

[David Burke]

This is awesome, I really like it

[Blue]

Glad to hear from you again, Ryan! Thank you.

[David Burke]

you're welcome lol and likewise