I am a Teen

It's a crazy phase, I tell you.

I am a teen.

I am a fool.

With stupid things that make me cool.

I smoke and curse,

drink beers a lot.

I starve myself just to look hot.

I stay up late,

wake up at noon.

I don't believe I will die soon.

I fall in love,

then rush to bed.

I trust my hormones, not my head.

I swear to change,

leave past behind.

But it's more fun to change my mind.

I'm young and vain.

I'm filled with hate.

But I'll be wiser when it's too late.

Author's Note

Just having fun. :*

Reviews

[M. L. Zane]

Hello Arzel. You summon, and I arrive. Sorry about the delay, but I assure you it was worth it. Book is finished and on Amazon. Song of Sinai, Kindle edition, check it out. Okay, enough shameless plugging.

A well done work, but it would do you good to trim some of the language. Like teenagers, this poem moves quick in one direction, and some of your word choice slows it down a bit. Here, I'll give you an example.

Let's go to "I starve myself just to look hot". I love everything about this line, but the "just to" is weaker, mainly because it sounds like you're forcing justification of these actions. Instead, try this: "I starve myself looking hot". Faster, no breaks, and it flows off the tongue. Oh, and I also suggest changing "hormones" to "body". Hormones just sounds a bit too scientific for a coming (or going) of age piece such as this, and you may like the way it reads a sconch better.

Otherwise, a nice and refreshing example of youthful reflection. Check out Song of Sinai. I think you'll like it a lot.

Regards,
-M.L. Zane

[Blue]

Hello, Zane! Thank you so much for your suggestions. I find them reasonable and helpful. I wrote "I starve myself just to look hot" because I was trying to keep the last line of each stanza in eight syllables. And I think it has a good rhythm. Iambic, even. (i STARVE mySELF just TO look HOT). And I used "hormones" because it's more specific compared to "body" which sounds vague and confusing. Anyway, I really appreciate that you noticed about such details.

[M. L. Zane]

I totally get you, but teenagers *are* vague and confusing. Sometimes, an intentional language scale back helps the theme, you know? Still, there's a beat to it. Keep in touch. I should be a lot more reachable in between shameless promotions.

[Donald]

Trust in what you write and it will take you far. The teen years are a learning experience. You are almost out of them, but you still have to take care of what you do or say. It could enhance your life or do serious damage if not properly used. From what I can tell, you are on the right path to a bright future and let no one tell you otherwise. Just don't let it go to your head.

[Blue]

I am trying, Donald. Thank you so much.

[Donald]

Just remember life gives you direction. Just don't let it lead you into darkness. You are your own person and you create your own purpose in life.

[The Representative]

Hello Arzel.....I enjoyed reading your poem, from its rhythm, to its reality.

[Blue]

Thank you so much!

[Shirlena]

This might seem fun but you seem to be wiser than your years based on this write. Unfortunately most people your age don't show this type of awareness especially while they are in the midst of it. You get to live a more of a productive life if you are and there are so many ways you can still have fun without being within an inch of your life :). Even though it is written with a whimsical edge it is very mature thought process.

[Blue]

Thank you for your encouraging words, Shirlena.

[Johanna]

Wow this one was amazing!! It was funny in a way, but you have a lot of talent!! just genius.. the rhymes and the message.. awezome! Loved it!

[Blue]

Johanna, thank you so much.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

This was definitely a nice poem. Very much sums like how my twenty-something, just finished school self was in high school. It also reminds me of the mindset to use when I am doing a chapter from a teenaged character's point of view in my novels

[Blue]

Thank you, SH. I'm glad to be of help. And thanks for the message. I'd read your stories once I get the chance.

[stars are far]

hehe that was totally amazing.. and true...
great piece :)

[Blue]

Thank you so much.

[stars are far]

welcome :)

[Chandradhish Ghosh]

this is indeed fun...nicely juvenile and truthful....

[Blue]

Thank you, Chan...

[Chaz Hemsworth]

I like it because it is how mot teenagers think. Of course I like to assume I'm better, but I know that's a lie.

[Blue]

Thank you, Chaz. I'm glad that you can relate.

[Rita L. Sev]

There is so much truth here, Blue - This gives great insight into the way my students think. :) You are clearly wise already, my dear!

[Blue]

Thank you, Rita.

[Vidya Bacchus]

This was fun and a very nice read Azrel.

[Blue]

Thank you, Vidya.

[Vidya Bacchus]

You are welcome :)