I am a Teen

It's a crazy phase, I tell you.

I am a teen.

I am a fool.

With stupid things that make me cool.

I smoke and curse,

drink beers a lot.

I starve myself just to look hot.

I stay up late,

wake up at noon.

I don't believe I will die soon.

I fall in love,

then rush to bed.

I trust my hormones, not my head.

I swear to change,

leave past behind.

But it's more fun to change my mind.

I'm young and vain.

I'm filled with hate.

But I'll be wiser when it's too late.

Author's Note

Just having fun. :*

Reviews

[M. L. Zane]

Hello Arzel. You summon, and I arrive. Sorry about the delay, but I assure you it was worth it. Book is finished and on Amazon. Song of Sinai, Kindle edition, check it out. Okay, enough shameless plugging.

A well done work, but it would do you good to trim some of the language. Like teenagers, this poem moves quick in one direction, and some of your word choice slows it down a bit. Here, I'll give you an example.

Let's go to "I starve myself just to look hot". I love everything about this line, but the "just to" is weaker, mainly because it sounds like you're forcing justification of these actions. Instead, try this: "I starve myself looking hot". Faster, no breaks, and it flows off the tongue. Oh, and I also suggest changing "hormones" to "body". Hormones just sounds a bit too scientific for a coming (or going) of age piece such as this, and you may like the way it reads a sconch better.

Otherwise, a nice and refreshing example of youthful reflection. Check out Song of Sinai. I think you'll like it a lot.

Regards,
-M.L. Zane

[Blue]

Hello, Zane! Thank you so much for your suggestions. I find them reasonable and helpful. I wrote "I starve myself just to look hot" because I was trying to keep the last line of each stanza in eight syllables. And I think it has a good rhythm. Iambic, even. (i STARVE mySELF just TO look HOT). And I used "hormones" because it's more specific compared to "body" which sounds vague and confusing. Anyway, I really appreciate that you noticed about such details.

[M. L. Zane]

I totally get you, but teenagers *are* vague and confusing. Sometimes, an intentional language scale back helps the theme, you know? Still, there's a beat to it. Keep in touch. I should be a lot more reachable in between shameless promotions.

[cimmy wuv xxxooo]

This was funny because its very true for (most teenagers)
This is the only part that really sounds allot like me :P
I stay up late,
wake up at noon.
I don't believe I will die soon.

I really liked the rhyme scheme, the way it all goes together as well.
Amazing write hun :)

[Blue]

Thank you so much, Cimmy.

[Ruth]

Seem to be the worst, but are the best years, ever :) Enjoy them and let no-one tell you any different x

[Blue]

Thank you so much, Poppy.

[kublakhan27]

This is awesome, I love it...even though it's just for fun, it could have been my personal motto through high school...I wasn't a fan of high school, or the people I went there with to be more exact haha A more profound piece than you may realize...well done :)

[Blue]

Thank you so much, Kublakhan! (Hey, what's your real name?)

[kublakhan27]

You're very welcome...it's Steve :)

[Blue]

Nice to meet you, Steve! What's with your display name? I don't get it. Hahaha.

[kublakhan27]

Nice to meet you too Arzel :) It's from a poem titled Kubla Khan haha

[Blue]

Nice one. I thought it's something personal, like a childhood nickname. :P

[costa siwale]

comical, if you ask me ..love it

[Blue]

Haha. Yeaaaahhh, Costa. Thank you.

[L4rn13]

Very fast paced and straight to the point. Nice! Works really well.

[Blue]

I appreciate your comments a lot.

[lovergirl]

that's what we should do , teenage is the time of foulness and stupidity so we shouldn't care about the consequences :p nice one girl keep on ! love it

[Blue]

I'm glad you love this. Thank you, Lovergirl.

[Laura Harrison]

Very true! Amazing write :)

[Blue]

Thank you so much!

[Baby Ricochet]

That's what happens to most of us

[Blue]

Thank you, BR.

[Annabelle Lee]

THis makes so much sense. nicely done

[Blue]

Thank you so much!

[Dayran]

I will always remember the teen years for the energy. They'll come up with five ideas ... and then figure on one that works and go with it. When you're older ... you get one idea ... and you hope its the right one. A great reminder.

[Blue]

Haha. I love that insight. Thank you so much, Dayran.