Oh this is a wild one Arzel, you spun a tale of betrayal within a sweet rhyming scheme. You should have set fire to her fury and ended the rhyme with her shooting him, ha just saying ;-) Nicely pen'd.
Posted 10 Years Ago
10 Years Ago
Who would have have thought that the idea of murder would actually cross your mind, sweet Frieda? We.. read moreWho would have have thought that the idea of murder would actually cross your mind, sweet Frieda? We should never anger you from now on. :P
10 Years Ago
Ha you have no clue, you're so young my sweet friend! haha ;-P
"He was never himself these days,
coming home at dawn.
Whenever I took off my clothes
he's not at all turned on.
And so, one night, I watched him sleep
and knew he's not the same.
He moaned aloud his words of love;
It's no longer my name."
-wow this is wo powerful and sad all at once and it really makes you think a lot and the ending, wow. talking about ending with a punch. great work
"Oh, gorgeous girl, heed my advice:
Run while you still can.
Nothing spells more trouble than
stealing another's man.
And one more thing, remember this
if you cherish your life:
The next time that you fall in love,
he shouldn't have a wife."
this is definitely a unique poem, loved it
Nothing spells more trouble than
stealing another's man.
this is very nice poem and about a girl it is great pain that her husband now has a another view for her. It was a fabulous stand. love it.
It rhymes well. However I expected more fury and rage. May be because the kind of reaction I would have had if I were in that situation. It is that the person I am. Good work though.
Posted 11 Years Ago
10 Years Ago
Thank you, Annabella. (I wouldn't respond in this same way, too.)
I like this. The rhyming is truly a fantastic effect to it. I feel that with the pace that you set to this piece, It reinforces the point of the affair eloquently. It's as though each time to round off a line with a rhyme, it becomes the equivalent of a punch truly good.
However, there are some things that concern me. Namely, the last stanza. You use the words, "nothing spells more trouble than stealing another's man." I'm worried about that because it made me think why would you wish to possess someone that is good at keeping secrets, or why do you wish to have him after he cheated? I mean he is as guilty as the girl. The girl is of course less human because he was a married man. She ruined a nice relationship, a family... But, I don't know how I could forgive someone for cheating. even more so go after the girl. It takes two to tango, and He choose to cheat from what I am seeing. You used Secrets and the present tense when you said He's fond of keeping secrets; therefore, he is not apologetic if he is still doing it now, and is fond of keeping secrets. Moreover, You say he is your man. That sounds a bit possessive. Yet, I read other works of yours and you don't come off as such. It makes me feel pain, as it looks like your trying to maintain the memory that came with your first love. Like holding onto a childhood memory. It's heart breaking, that this woman can't see herself deserving a better man, and that she has to have him. She is clearly articulate. Finally, when you say if you cherish your life... well that goes back to the previous statement, when I said he is no good, and that he has been continuously doing these things. Men like that and pardon me, for already overstepping my boundaries for the past twenty lines, don't deserve to be near women like you. He should be getting the brunt end of your rage as he partook as much as her, if not made it worse with soiling the marriage. a partner who can't respect, deserves no respect, just as a woman who sleeps with a married may have little respect for herself, and deserves no acknowledgement of your rage. She is after all, subhuman, a stranger, not worth it.
Hi, there! I don't know who I really am but let's start with my name. I am Arzel Joy, otherwise known as Blue here in WC.
I have more pressing matters at hand so I have reduced my time spent on th.. more..