My Christmas Eve

My worst ever

I put on my mourning clothes

locked myself in my room

wrote the first chapter of the novel I will never finish

went downstairs to pee

saw spaghetti, chicken, and salad on the table

ate a bowl of salad

felt sick to my stomach

fought the urge to throw up

heard my mother's invitation to go to mass together

turned her down

went to my room

checked my phone for messages

reread my writing

labeled it as utter nonsense

considered burning it

changed my mind

kept it under a pile of other drafts

stared at the ceiling

wondered what other people  might be up to

missed my darling

remembered he hadn't sent me a single message confirming he's still alive

hated him

missed him to the point of insanity

buried my head under the pillow

thought of him some more

thought of him no more

got out of my bed

grabbed a book from my shelf

lost myself between pages

remembered it's Christmas eve

remembered baby Jesus

tried to cheer myself up

smiled

looked like the most stupid pretender ever

stopped trying

sank down

cried...

asked for forgiveness

wished for death.

Author's Note

Original link: http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/arzeljoy_blu/1288086/