hazy

a narrative

Insomnia and emptiness invaded me yet again, for I had not fallen asleep yet, not a blink. The growing dawn was nothing but patches of light on my skin. And now the day stirs. Saturation returns in bitter haste. Rolling over, I watched as the edges of the sallow pages fluttered in rhythm with the wind gliding through the windows in warm gusts; a halo of tinged yellow stooped low, crawling against the bestrewn manuscripts littering the desk in a chilling comfort, or was it pity? The marigold sediments loitered upon an unsuspecting plant and nurtured it with glows. Nothing pained me more than the looming reminder of daytime.

Five chimes rang with menace yet again.

"Blair, Ophelia’s waiting for you already,” Mother’s muffled yell sounded from the kitchen, “don’t tell me you forgot to set your alarm again." I winced internally as I tossed on a sweater and a pair of tweed trousers, sweeping aside shreds of notebook paper littering the sheet like burdensome reminders of school. After inspecting the rumpled state of the room, I forced myself to tidy it up despite the wave of nausea pulsing restlessly. When can I escape this cycle? 

I finally swung the front door open with a mouthful of cooling oatmeal, or what I conceived as mush of dried wood, jogging to catch up with my sister. We exchanged words of warmth, the same sequence every day. Smiling, nodding, occasional interjections fixed by the fear of silence, but our minds were alone, riding along swerving paths of thought. For Ophelia, what shall she ponder besides subjects of vanity and ill-defined brilliance? She deals her dainty appearance here and there without a worry of malice, and it was all that mattered, all to look forward to every morning she wakens. Everything was idle with her, especially communication.

A swarm of students greeted us, signaling the end of our interaction for a while. I watched as her figure intermingled with the rest of the crowd, shuffling in monotony. And a few footsteps away was the beech door I dreaded. “I wonder how no one has died of boredom yet,” I muttered and stopped at the doorframe. It wasn’t surprising how bland one could become before the chasm of badly-taught lectures and especially not zoning out at certain moments. Grinding my teeth, I walked to a desk near the back and sat down briskly to avoid the castigation of the irritable literature teacher (an old bat, I’d rather say). 

However, my prevarication proved to be futile not long after. She had begun her repetitive emphases of exam scores, and I had begun fiddling with a pen and staring at the red walls outside the skewed window frames. 

“Blair, I would appreciate if you could take my class more seriously.”

I tensed up and nodded, lowering my head to evade her scorching gaze. Old, miserable witch. Old, miserable witch.

“Look at me when I’m talking to you, please.”

Old and miserable, old and miserable, old and miserable-

“I said, look at me, look at me,”

Witch. Witch. Witch. Witch-

“Step outside right now. Go.”

And as if shoved from behind, I stumbled up and out of the classroom. The only thing in focus was the dimly lit bathroom at the end of the corridor, cast under a sickly aura by the flickering lights. Resonance of erratic footsteps. Frolicking atrocities seething, thudding. I stopped at the mirror. I stood, grappling with the reflection of a girl with bloodshot eyes and a smile, not to be mistaken as happiness. Nothing made sense. Shapes looked like funnels neither edged nor rounded under a haze. The bareness of that girl was flailing upon the sooty glass. 

Can you see her? Can you? 

I roared on, as what exactly, I was unsure. Perhaps a fog prancing above a billowing sea, cords intertwined with foaming veils of bleached cloth. Everything became dowered with lucidity under gleams of light, places I could escape to. Jagged rocks were submerging, tempting me to lay upon its dowsed roughness as if I was there. Discerning one world from another wasn’t important anymore, for they were both illusions to endure anyway. 

Don’t stray. Name five things you can see, hear, smell, feel, and taste.

Pristine panels of unfamiliar figures. Heavy, sharp notes rasped in desperation. The rotting stench of hysteria. A smooth marble surface under trembling fingers. Metal cold on my tongue. I didn't feel much grounded, cacophonous pounds rattling and echoing, a consonance of what life hurled at me. Fetid drops of tears, withheld for a long time, started salting the metal taste lingering in my mouth.

Finally, some peace. Still glaring at the mirror reflection, I grasped for the hem of my sweater, the closest source to solace, and felt the pocketknife sitting in my pouch. It seemed innocuous but now weighs a pound heavier. My fingers dug into the pouch, tracing the little scratches, abruptly retracting at a jolt of pain from my hand: lurid splotches of blood had begun tainting my fingertips from pressing on the blade too hard. I was afraid to avert my gaze and watched as droplets of tears tapped upon the crimson, completely unaware of another presence. 

“It’s not the easy way out if that’s what you’re thinking.”

I looked up. A distorted vision of a girl, seemingly Ophelia, hovered above. Was it her?

“Please, just drop the knife. I know you don’t want to do this, not to me or Mom.” Her silhouette, close but intangible, was nearing. I won’t let her take it. The blade. I need it now.

“Take deep breaths. Imagine you’re by the ocean; feel the peace.” No more undulating waves thrashing, no more bare feet padding against the prickly sand.

“Blair, no-”

I'm just so tired.

Author's Note

give honest feedback

Reviews

[Writergurl]

I was unsure. Perhaps a fog prancing above a billowing sea, cords intertwined with foaming veils of bleached cloth. Everything became dowered with lucidity under gleams of light, places I could escape to. Jagged rocks were submerging, tempting me to lay upon its dowsed roughness as if I was there. Discerning one world from another wasn’t important anymore, for they were both illusions to endure anyway.

WOW, this is so good, lovely imagery and wonderful descriptions, amazing write here. I enjoyed this