beautiful mind

who i want to be

my legs were wading in the fetid water
hair strewn and flaxen,
a painful reminder dulled by nothing.
i dried my snake-like legs with pads of cloth
as she perspicaciously tossed a brewing glance
better to be ignored.

i wasn’t planning on dying
nothing a child couldn’t’ve reasoned with,
a cold mug of coffee
aged with an aftertaste of soured cream
almost knocked over by hardened hands.

i tipped the blackened sugar into the porcelain cauldron
it hadn’t a bitter ripple
more of a comfort to the already gone,
whispering, “it won’t be too bad.”

Author's Note

what do you think?

Reviews

[Writergurl]

Wow, I enjoyed this write,

a cold mug of coffee
aged with an aftertaste of soured cream
almost knocked over by hardened hands.

Love this part, you write with vivid imagery, i like that

[JayG]

• my legs were wading in the fetid water

Reads too much like a report. But more than that, in all the world, only you know who’s speaking, and what they’re talking about. When you read, your understanding is guided by context and intent, two tings that no one but you have. You know where we are, who we are, and what’s going on.

To the reader, someone unknown has noticed that her legs, not her, were wading. Not what you said, but it is what you said.

You continue, and then talk about an unknown “she” as if the reader knows the situation and the people.

So while it makes perfect sense to you, who know what’s going on, for the rerader is’s disconnected words about unknown places and events.

There’s a LOT more to writing poetry than talking to people about things meaningful to you. As E. L. Doctorow put it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” So we don’t tell people we cried at funeral, we make them cry. And that takes knowledge and skills we’re not given in our school days.

Take a look at the Shmoop site. And when you get there, select Student, then Poetry. They have lots of great poems analyzed in great detail there, to show why, and how they worked. So it’s worth a visit.

I know this wasn’t what you hoped to hear, but since the problem isn’t a matter of how well you write, your talent, and, is fixable, I thought you might want to know.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/