Shocker

Mommy swept the kitchen softly as the corners of her mouth turned up in a smile. She was singing. Mommy always sang when she cleaned. The house looked perfect, but she was still primping it up for daddy when he got home. I had the most perfect parents any three year old could’ve wished for. I was an only child so naturally my room was stockpiled with teddy bears and a pink ribboned bed. Every year, my rich grandparents would pay us a visit and bring along a new toy for me. Besides all of the material things, my parents, Lilly and John, loved me very much.

 

Guard Dog, our family cat, pounced around the kitchen where mommy was still sweeping. I clutched my plush cow in my little arms and waddled away from the broom.

Lilly cooed, “What is it, baby?”

“Guard Dog ran from the broom. She looked afraid. I am too,” I whispered, but I wouldn’t come near her; she still had the broom in hand.

“Come here, sweetheart.” I waddled next to her side. “This broom isn’t going to hurt you! Silly goose. It can’t move unless I move it.” She brought the broom closer so I could touch it with my finger tips.

“Are you better now?” She smiled and swept a stray hair from her round face.

“I’m always better with you.” We both smiled and hugged each other.

“Remember, baby, you have nothing to be afraid of,” she said, poking my nose.

 

***

            Sixteen years later and she’s dead. The whole world is dead. Daddy died from radiation poisoning and mommy was drowned by the terrorists. If there is anything in this world it is hatred. America is falling apart. Great Britain is conquering our facilities. The military is too sick to fight them off. You would think our smart president would be able to save us, but he’s dead too. No one saw this coming. Too bad no one listened to a bunch of punk teenagers who could have prevented the downfall of this country. Blake and I know exactly what to do, and we’re going to do it.

We are going to save this country.

Reviews

[Cherry Chapstick]

wow! Great piece! Had me captive and reading, never guessing that last paragraph would come like that. Good work! You should make it into a chapter story and post more?

[Lauren Marie]

I agree with the previous reviews. This doesn't seem like a stand-alone story. It did leave me wanting to know more, to find out the reason why this happened to her parents, and how she grew so bitter about life. I also think revision would be good, since (I think) you intended it to be from a child's perspective. It didn't seem like you quite pulled it off yet. :) The dialogue was good, but I think you could change the way you describe the child's surroundings.
"The house looked perfect, but she was still primping it up for daddy when he got home." I don't think a three-year-old would even know what the word "primping" meant. Instead, for example, you could write this sentence as such: "The house looked perfect, but she was still cleaning for Daddy. Daddy was coming home soon." Haha, that was just an example, but do you know what I'm getting at?
Other than that, this was an excellent beginning (?) I hope to see a continuation!
~Lauren

[13.9]

Wow. I think you have a really good start. :) I'm not sure if you intended for this to be a standalone, but it definitely makes me want to read more, to find out what happened here if nothing else.

I agree with Amanda Naomi in that some of the language, particularly in the first paragraph came off sounding almost too mature for a three year old, although I thought the dialogue in the second paragraph was fine. Actually, I really liked the second paragraph somehow. ^^

One thing that really confused me in the third paragraph is that you almost seem to contradict yourself and I'm really having trouble getting a general idea of what's going on. You start out by saying, "The whole world is dead," and then go on to add, "Great Britain is conquering our facilities," and pretty much only talk about America after that. When you say "the whole world," do you just mean America, or is that some rogue group in Great Britain that's not really an organized government, but is just being referenced to under that name, if this makes sense? I just got a bit confused there. ^^ I think it would be helpful to make that a little more clear.

Also, as far as punctuation goes, I'm pretty sure there should be a comma in the last sentence of the first paragraph, after the word "things" and in the fourth sentence of the last paragraph, after the word "world."

You do seem to have a really interesting plotline set up, though, and I would like to hear more. Great write. :)

~13.9

[Amanda Naomi]

this really is a shocker! i wonder if the story is true, and if it is how sad!

i think it would be stronger if it was actually written from the child's prospective. is says mommy quite a bit so at first i thought i was, but then some of the language pulled me out of the child-like environment.

i think you have a great concept though! good work, and keep it up, writing can only get better