Chapter Nine

 Ava’s P.O.V

  Gerard looked at me uncertainly; I didn’t know what to say. He had so many questions, but I couldn’t answer them because then he would probably think I’m just a freak and run away.

“I should go.” The sheets ruffled dryly when I got up. I stretched and swept my fingers through my hair, grabbed my ipod and duffel bag. On my way out of the room I could hear Gerard get up off the futon.

“What do you mean?” he asked. He looked so intoxicated, but the beer was already through my system.

“I mean, I don’t belong here. It’s not my place.” I pulled my laces up and over each other and tied them. Gerard just stood there like an idiot and ran his fingers through his hair. I didn’t know what to say. I was leaving him and his friends and I would never talk to them again, never listen to their CD again. Ever. It was for the best. I stood and looked at Gerard. His hair was a tangled mess, his jeans were worn, and the t-shirt he was in was probably due for a wash.

“I’m sorry.” I hesitantly stepped forward and caressed his right cheek. For a minute I held it there and closed my eyes, letting the burning feeling rush through my blood and give me some feeling before it would vanish all together.

“But, you don’t have to go.” The advantage of him being drunk only made it worse. He caressed my hand on his cheek and with the other pulled me closer. It was like his senses were even better. Our stomachs were touching, but it didn’t hurt. Thick jacket I suppose.

“Yes, actually I do.” I looked in both of his eyes. You know the way you see people switch from eye to eye before they leave someone? I intertwined our fingers and took a quick but longing glance at them before I kissed Gerard’s lips. He stood frozen for a minute, but then pulled me closer and ran his hand through my hair greedily. My body seemed to move for me. His heart beat and our heavy breathing was all I heard. I dropped my bag and hooked my pointer and middle fingers around his belt loop and pulled him as close as I could. His tongue grazed my upper lip and our hands switched. Naturally, he couldn’t resist and scooped my butt, picked me up and sat me on the edge of the futon. Flexible as I was I hooked my legs around his hips and pulled him closer. Grinning, I tugged at his shirt and kissed his collar bone eagerly and ran my lips up his neck and down again. He let his head fall back in pleasure with a grin on his face. I couldn’t believe I was leaving him.

“My turn, sugar.” He whispered in my ear. I let him have charge. He squeezed underneath my knee and with the other hand, kissed my lips slowly, prolonging everything. Every time they touched he would slow down when he retreated. I pulled his lips in, biting the top, and made him kiss me quicker. His hands moved to the small of my back where he tried to pull me closer. By now my blood was boiling, screaming for cold, and fighting back. I couldn’t help it and scooped him myself. He jumped lightly, breaking the kiss.

“I really have to go.” Between my ragged breaths I was able to emphasize really.

“I don’t want you to.” He picked me up and set me down. His hands were soon wrapped around each side of my face, making me look at him.

“I know.  I don’t want to leave either, but I have to.” Every time I would move my eyes somewhere else he would make his eyes follow. I didn’t want him looking in me. A tear escaped and I knew it was time to go.

“Please don’t leave.” He stroked the back of my neck. I struggled to leave his hands, but he was too strong.

“I have to.” His eyes pleaded in mine. His hands started squeezing my neck the more I squirmed.

“Stop it. You have to let me leave!” these words seemed too familiar and they scared me.

“Please stay.” He had a hand full of hair. I wasn’t going anywhere.

 “No. Quit! I can’t. I’m begging you, stop…I’m begging you, stop…” we both recognized these words. He let go and we looked at each other. His eyes were so so sad. I couldn’t bear to look into them yet I still did. My nightmare couldn’t have been about Gerard. I hardly knew him. I broke his loose hold and ran out the front door into the cold. I wasn’t even sure I could find my house, but I was determined. I stopped running because the roads were too slick. My ragged breathing was interrupted by my soft cries, but I didn’t stop. I kept walking. It was at least a good mile before my house would come into view.

  I fumbled up the steps and quietly opened the door. No one moved and no one screamed so I opened it more, walked through, and closed it. Without checking I walked up the stairs, but it was safe. Once I was in my room I closed and locked the door, set my stuff down, and got new clothes to take a shower.

  I got out, got dressed and laid on my bed. I looked at the ceiling and led my eyes through the crevices…someone’s thoughts started to flicker in and out of my mind.

‘She just had to leave.’ ‘I just wanted to be friends.’ ‘What did I do wrong?’ ‘What’s wrong with me?’ ‘Doesn’t she like me, at all?’ I recognized the voice almost instantly; it was Gerard. What am I doing? Shouldn’t I be with him? I sighed; this is too hard. I ran away only because my secret was too much. We wouldn’t be able to be normal at all.

“If only you knew, Gerard.” I whispered and fell asleep with him on my mind.