Ballad of the Lost

A Poem by Adrianna

Ballad of the Lost

Sitting alone in my cold dark room

I was almost ready to crawl into my tomb

My wide eyes crept towards the door

Dying of boredom, looking for more

I sat there a little longer

Wondering what could I do?

So i walked out that door without having a clue

The night was dark

So was all around

My chest slowly breathing

Was the only sound

I walked down streets,

Taking lefts taking rights

So relaxed and free

Enjoying the twilight

I walked for what seemed hours

Yet it got no brighter

I didn't know where I was

I plead the sky the get lighter

But it got no lighter, and I was still lost

The line between safety and danger seemed crossed

Scared and neverous I toured on

Hoping that soon, it would be dawn

There were girls on the corners with skin tight clothes

Those girls on the corner were nothing but hoes

And the men on there porches, sipping beers, having fun

Till they started spitting violent words

And one man pulled a gun

I saw it fire and ran as fast as i could

I just wanted to get home, i wasn't sure if i would

I walked forever and ever and more

I should have never left that tempting door

I never found my home sweet home

On these dark streets i still sadly roam

I became the girl, lost but never found

Among the city lights and buildings i drowned.

© 2009 Adrianna

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Reviews

Alice Oiseau

I kindly ask of you to 'divorce' yourself from your writing, for I am about to critique it.
Please, don't take anything personal. I am another writer just like you, wanting to write, wanting to grow, and I found the best growing comes from critique. No need to get defensive. Take it with an open mind, and you'll thank me later.

You have an awesome title.
It sounds wicked cool and it really built up for a strong poem.
But (there's always a but) the poem turned out to be a disappointment. I was expecting something dark and chilling, raw emotion, wanting a shiver down my spine, a thundering crecendo, and breathtaking cadence. Your title led me to believe that this poem would have that. Such a great title! But the poem itself didn't have any of that. Once I saw the word 'boredom' in the first stanza, I became iffy because 'boredom' does not have that poetic connotation. I kept reading, hoping maybe it would get better. It didn't, for me. But on the bright side, it didn't get worse -- that's a good thing. No one wants a piece of poetry to roll down hill as it progresses. It's better to have a piece that remains the same throughout, than a piece that rolls down hill in a slovenly fashion. The lines and verses, they contributed nothing. They merely told a story, and quite frankly, it's not one that has significance or creates an emotion, or asks a thought provoking question, etc. It was bland. Additionally, it wasn't embellished with some of the figurative language tools that could have been used to make this poem 10x better. Whatever happened to metaphors, similes, personification, and allusions? No, not every poem needs to have them to make a good poem. But it embellishes it and creates a beautiful poem -- which is what we all want with our writing? We want to write something beautiful.
Can you tell me why you wrote this? What triggered it? If it was the exact scenerio, why not take something out of it, like being lost, and transform it from mere narration to scintillating poetry.
Yes, it had rhyme. But It seemed like you were rhyming just for the sake of rhyming.
Besides the title, the best part of this poem was your final line (please don't take that wrong) because you say 'I drowned'. That shows the only depth to the poem, because it's not literal (I hope not for the sake of the poem). It shows a metaphorical side of you - the writer. I want to see more of that metamorphical side. You have it, any writer does, but express it! There is talent waiting to burst forward, but you have to dig a little before it can be let out.
Additionally, the poem shows lack of care towards your grammar. You lowercase 'I' when it should always be captilized. I understand when e-mailing or chatting to friends online, you often don't bother with proper punctuation and grammar. However, when it comes to writing poetry, stories, essays, etc. Any form of formal writing where it is to be read and commented on, it should have proper grammar. If the rules are ignored, it makes the writing look less professional, resulting in the reader not taking you seriously, and getting the impression that the writer is apathetic to their writing!
That being said, it's vital to follow the rules when 'publishing' or printing.
Honestly, it makes you look better as a writer.
Your diction was juvenile. i.e. 'hoes'
There is no haunting mood or tone that the title has the potential to create in the poem. Instead it's dry, and boring. Move me as the reader. What were your intentions with the poem? What were you trying to convey? What is the purpose?
These questions are essential to ask when sitting down to write something.
Some poems have entertainment purposes. They depict lovely images or have humor weaved in for a good chuckle. This poem however didn't have either. I don't know what entertainment this could begin to fall under.

Why do you write? I'm not saying that in a hurtful way. It's just a question seperate from everything I said. What are your reasons for writing?

Practice makes perfect. You the writer. Words are at your command.
I send my apologies if I come off as harsh. I don't mean it in anyway personal. You are on a writer's web site and that package comes with flattery as well as critique. I mean everything I say in the most sincere and honest way possible. I'm just trying to offer critique, suggestions, advice, etc.
If you gained nothing from this, and all you could see are the negatives that I said, then I'll reiterate the positives.

You have a GREAT title. I can't emphasize that enough.
You have a metaphorical side, as seen in the final line.
That line is strong, your only crecendo in the poem, but nonetheless a crecendo.
You have the potential to write better than this.

Cheers.

Posted 15 Years Ago

You have an awesome title.
It sounds wicked cool and it really built up for a strong poem.
But (there's always a but) the poem turned out to be a disappointment. I was expecting something dark and chilling, raw emotion, wanting a shiver down my spine, a thundering crecendo, and breathtaking cadence. Your title led me to believe that this poem would have that. Such a great title! But the poem itself didn't have any of that. Once I saw the word 'boredom' in the first stanza, I became iffy because 'boredom' does not have that poetic connotation. I kept reading, hoping maybe it would get better. It didn't, for me. But on the bright side, it didn't get worse -- that's a good thing. No one wants a piece of poetry to roll down hill as it progresses. It's better to have a piece that remains the same throughout, than a piece that rolls down hill in a slovenly fashion. The lines and verses, they contributed nothing. They merely told a story, and quite frankly, it's not one that has significance or creates an emotion, or asks a thought provoking question, etc. It was bland. Additionally, it wasn't embellished with some of the figurative language tools that could have been used to make this poem 10x better. Whatever happened to metaphors, similes, personification, and allusions? No, not every poem needs to have them to make a good poem. But it embellishes it and creates a beautiful poem -- which is what we all want with our writing? We want to write something beautiful.
Can you tell me why you wrote this? What triggered it? If it was the exact scenerio, why not take something out of it, like being lost, and transform it from mere narration to scintillating poetry.
Yes, it had rhyme. But It seemed like you were rhyming just for the sake of rhyming.
Besides the title, the best part of this poem was your final line (please don't take that wrong) because you say 'I drowned'. That shows the only depth to the poem, because it's not literal (I hope not for the sake of the poem). It shows a metaphorical side of you - the writer. I want to see more of that metamorphical side. You have it, any writer does, but express it! There is talent waiting to burst forward, but you have to dig a little before it can be let out.
Additionally, the poem shows lack of care towards your grammar. You lowercase 'I' when it should always be captilized. I understand when e-mailing or chatting to friends online, you often don't bother with proper punctuation and grammar. However, when it comes to writing poetry, stories, essays, etc. Any form of formal writing where it is to be read and commented on, it should have proper grammar. If the rules are ignored, it makes the writing look less professional, resulting in the reader not taking you seriously, and getting the impression that the writer is apathetic to their writing!
That being said, it's vital to follow the rules when 'publishing' or printing.
Honestly, it makes you look better as a writer.
Your diction was juvenile. i.e. 'hoes'
There is no haunting mood or tone that the title has the potential to create in the poem. Instead it's dry, and boring. Move me as the reader. What were your intentions with the poem? What were you trying to convey? What is the purpose?
These questions are essential to ask when sitting down to write something.
Some poems have entertainment purposes. They depict lovely images or have humor weaved in for a good chuckle. This poem however didn't have either. I don't know what entertainment this could begin to fall under.

Why do you write? I'm not saying that in a hurtful way. It's just a question seperate from everything I said. What are your reasons for writing?

Practice makes perfect. You the writer. Words are at your command.
I send my apologies if I come off as harsh. I don't mean it in anyway personal. You are on a writer's web site and that package comes with flattery as well as critique. I mean everything I say in the most sincere and honest way possible. I'm just trying to offer critique, suggestions, advice, etc.
If you gained nothing from this, and all you could see are the negatives that I said, then I'll reiterate the positives.

You have a GREAT title. I can't emphasize that enough.
You have a metaphorical side, as seen in the final line.
That line is strong, your only crecendo in the poem, but nonetheless a crecendo.
You have the potential to write better than this.

Cheers.

Rating /100