words i wrote about the girl i once loved

a journal entry in my christmas journal about a girl i once loved more than i probably should've. this was written august 23rd of 2016. enjoy.

  i want to explain how i feel, but i'm not really sure how to. you see, there used to be a person. she was someone i cared about far too much. she's a great person, to me anyway. the last time i talked to her on the phone i told her that. to which she responded with, "i'm really not that great". "to me you are, i always thought so.", i replied. she just said "i know." very softly, i could barely hear her. 

  you see, the thing is i don't miss her when she's gone. before, she used to not talk to me for a day and i would get anxious and start thinking of things that i did wrong. but that doesn't happen anymore. she's busy, and it doesn't bother me. i used to be madly and deeply in love with her, but i don't love her anymore. i don;t even care enough to have her as a friend, or in my life in general. at all.

  the only reason i write this is because i'm not quite sure if this is all a good thing or a bad thing. you see, i'm not good at stuff. i.e., making new friends, adapting to change, for f***s sake, i've even failed at committing suicide. loving this girl was the only thing  did right. was. because i can't even do that correctly anymore. i think i only tolerate her at this point. i almost feel obligated to talk to her. there's zero love there or any feeling at all. i only text her back because i fear she'll be mad at me forever and when i'm 26 i'll want her back in my life and i'll lose that because of all this.

  i've told her nearly everything about me. the only thing she probably doesn't know about me is my favorites. and that's a big maybe. but i've gotten to know her over the past 3 or 4 years. (pretty sure it's 3). half of me feels like just calling her and telling her "goodbye." and just hanging up, the other half feels like just leaving with no word whatsoever. but i don't think i can actually do that. i mean i could, but that wouldn't be right. that'd only make her hate me more. i just have no more ideas on how this could all possibly play out.

  i'm exhausted.

  i have been for so long.