Since I'm Being Honest

This is probably the most vulnerable I will ever be on here. It's like a letter to someone, turned poem, turned story. I don't know. I really just needed to get it off my chest, so of course, writers cafe.

Hey Boo,

Ok so i'm doing this thing...

pretty much where I'm just saying what I feel no matter what.

I'm being honest.

If things are not going to go my way, no matter what I do

I'd be happier if they went wrongly and I had atleast done what I wanted.

So that's what this is about.

I'm just going to let it all out.

So here it is:

I'm not going to pretend I know you so well or anything...

I'm really not going to pretend I know you at all.

However there is something I do know, and it is that I'm beginning to enter dangerous grounds with you

more and more each day.

I see this person in you that I'm not sure you even know is there.

Actually I'm positive you don't know this person is there.

The person you are now wouldn't want this person there.

Actually he would but wouldn't want others to know that.

Sorry, i'm rambling.

The thing is, I like you. A lot. I don't know why, but it's what happened.

You know what, I'm not gonna lie. I do know why.

I like you because you want to better yourself.

I like you because you try so hard to be someone people will like.

But it's not in a selfish way. It's like you do it for them.

You try hard to get people to like you,

simply because you just want everyone to have someone to like.

And it works.

You got me to like you.

At first, every time we spoke I was just humoring you.

I was lonely.

You were fresh.

And you were there.

It was all very fun, every time you said something I thought you made up, I marked it in my head and smiled.

I smiled because I used to do the same thing.

A lot of times I would say, "I've told that lie before."

Then we had something to talk about.

Something unexpected but also something that gave us this instant chemistry.

Then I began thinking that maybe you were actually humoring me.

After all you only wanted me to have someone to like.

Soon you consumed most of my thoughts.

It was simply the highlight of my day to receive your call.

You made things fun again.

This went on for a while.

Then the bad part happened where I became busy and you became involved...with someone other than myself of course.

I didn't like that very  much but I made light of it.

I'm not in the habit of losing...especially when it's a person I have to win.

Then you just kind of faded into the background.

Yep.

Gone.

All the while I still thought about you.

About how we hadn't spoken in a while.

About how we should.

About how you were taken.

Then, all of a sudden you were back.

It was like I willed you to me or something.

The excitement started all over again...you made my heart go pitter patter :-)

I told myself I could not fall for you. It was too dangerous and I would only get hurt.

The only part I didn't like about us speaking was how you made me doubt myself.

Every time we spoke I wondered why.

Why would you pay me any mind when so many people I'm interested in never do?

You were out of my league, completely. Yet you seemed to be interested.

I would look at pictures of you and then of myself and just say, "no way." I hated that.

But atleast I was being honest with myself.

I doubted whether or not you were being honest with yourself.

I decided we were both just lonely. And there.

 

So anyway, after realizing I had fallen for you...probably out of spite( I'm such a spiteful person, the best way to get me to do something is to tell me not to, I told myself I couldn't love you ) and after you told me it only took 6 days for boys to fall in love with you, and that I would fall in love with you; while I was sitting there thinking, "too late", all these possibilities built up in my head.

 

But you weren't mine.

Then the worst thing of all happened.

Not only did we have this unknown past, by third party or default, together...but you saved me.

You came to me at a time when I had s**t for confidence.

S**t for hope.

S**t for joy.

You saved me. Just by responding.

You don't know how many people I say, "you're cute" to and those two words are the entire extent of our existence together.

You put an end to that.

And a beginning to something different.

You made me realize I was also no longer the person I saw myself as.

That there was hope.

There could be joy.

I began to find a new me. A brave me...a hot me.

You did that.

You came to me after two of the worst, most life altering things had happened to me.

You were kind of God's way of saying, "there is life after death."

 

I had previously been through so much that a part of me actually died. And the other part I left in New York City, while my pathetic remains ran home to mommy. And you were there when I was born again.

 

Since I'm being honest I'll admit something...a lot of me loving you is simply the time of which you came to me. It could have been anyone. But it was you. So, of course, I thought, "fate."

"This is what fate feels like." - Adam

 

But all those things were good. Those things were not the worst of all.

The worst of all was when you were so blatanly not mine but then with the blink of an eye, I was yours.

We shared passion.

Unlike any I had ever felt.

You were causing me physical pain and I loved you for it.

You really put your all into me...not to be gross....but it's what happened.

That wasn't even the worst thing of all.

I mean... it was, since I didn't want to fall for you and I already had, and I knew doing that would make it a lot worse, but still, that wasn't the worst part.

The worst part was when you were gone and I realized that I was simply of the moment.

And that I couldn't hate you because you had no clue of how I felt.

And while I was wishing you would just be honest...I was lying.

I was pretending to be this person who didn't care, who was in it to win it, "long time no see, let's f**k."

That's what sucks about being an actor...and a manipulator.

Anyone else could have seen how wrong it was to do to me what you were doing...but it wasn't your fault because I led you to believe it was what I wanted.

I led you to believe that though we never see each other, and barely ever spoke anymore, but when you say jump I say, "how high", it was ok for you to come to me, once, have me, and leave.

*See also* "My Favorite Part".

That sucked a lot for me but I made it through it.

So now here we are.

Just a little bit after that experience and here I am writing about you...or to you, once again.

Here I am once again.

I even fell in love with your former best friend, all over again, just to make myself believe you're not that big a deal.

Well since I'm telling the truth, you are that big a deal.

You're the biggest deal I've had in a while and I can't even speak to you freely for fear of what your boyfriend may find out.

Since you're always with him.

I know this is a low blow, and if I really loved you, all I would want is your happiness, but he's not for you.

I am.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but when you really needed someone, or something, whose bed were you in?

Mine.

Doesn't that say anything to you?

Maybe all it says to you is that I was a good f**k.

Or not.

There was that whole crying thing.

Sorry about that.

 

No f**k that! I'm not sorry about it. Not one bit - I forgot I'm being honest - I didn't cry because you were hurting me. I cried because you weren't. For that one moment in time you were not hurting me.

Because the thing you do to hurt me the most is not be with me. "For then you were there" - My Favorite Part.

 

 

And it's true.

That was my favorite part.

For then you were there.

I f*****g LOVED that.

I was glowing.

But deep inside I was dying.

 All over again.

 

Cause the one who saved me was going back to the one he loved. It sucked.

Especially when you told me you thought you were actually in love with him, something that hadn't happened for you in so long.

 So actually, the one who saved me was going back to the one who saved him. That really f*****g blew.

 

Anyway, look I'm not trying to guilt you into anything, and I probably wouldn't be saying any of this if I hadn't just watched the most depressing episode of Greys Anatomy ever; but the point is I am saying it. And I hope you believe me when I say it. "It" being that I love you.

 

You were right.

 

It wasn't in 6 days...or maybe it was...but the point is, I do. And I will. For a while.

 

So while you're with your love, whether I'm on your mind or not, whether you plan on speaking to me for longer than ten minutes ever again; while you're over there lying in his arms being "happy" or whatever you like to call it, I just think you should know that I'm dying.

 

Once again.

 

And you have the power to save me.

 

You have openly bragged about being a homewrecker for no reason whatsoever.

 

So please don't hold it against me that I'm being one for love.

 

And remember, every time you're over there, with him, lying safely in his arms,

I'm over here,

Wishing...praying...crying...

that I could be in yours.

 

Never once, when I said, "you're cute", did I ever think it would turn into, "you're my only hope."

Since I'm being honest.

 

Author's Note

There will be no rating for this one. It's the most honest I've been in a while. There's no rating high enough to congratulate myself for finally taking this step.

Reviews

[woodennymph]

that was amazing. completely and utterly amazing. i admire how honest you were and how brave to do this. i wish i could have even a bit of your courage...the piece was lengthy but it was exactly that aspect that affirmed how amazing it was. i couldn't stop reading, i could barely blink. i wanted to keep reading to the end. and i did. it was long but i didn't mind. i even find myself wishing there was more. this has touched me so profoundly partly because i could relate to most of it and partly because it is just so beautiful. you're right, you don't need a rating. and you don't need structure or even a name to call this--poem/story/letter. it is perfect the way it is. wow.

[Travis Lawrence]

My heart goes out to you, friend, I can certainly relate to being in love with someone from a long distance who subsequently has a boyfriend (she always does, it seems!). This was probably such a relief to write. If you want some advice, focus on loving yourself, because when you can accomplish that there is no such thing as loneliness, and you will realize that there are other possibilities for loving relationships outside of this one person. I'm getting there myself, it takes some effort, mental practice and self encouragement. I even sought therapy, and it certainly helped to get advice from an impartial professional. You've got to always at least try to view yourself in a positive light, and I think this is a good start. And as always, keep being honest, it's the best way because it's the only right way, no matter what.

-Travis

[Junie Souffrant]

I liked this piece, because you seem to have put all of what you were feeling at the time into it and that is something people hate to do. Is to offer themselves up like that. It's truely beautiful, when we let our selves go no matter what may come next and just be honest.

[Aries]

Wow....Heartbreaking.....Emotional....Very Raw.....I feel the pain of loss....


Some of the best Poetry comes from the author simply Venting onto paper. I hope things get better for you soon!

Thank you for Sharing this...I hope it helps start the healing process....

Totally Amazing ~~~

[L.G. Knight]

Wow..... Wow.... Holy s**t.... That was so extreamly powerful you have no idea.... Just amazingly powerful.... It hurts my heart to know that this is something you're going through.... But this piece has such amazing power.... It really made me want to cry.... I don't know if thats because I am so close to you and know the story and know you and how hard you try to hide this.... and then BAM it's just there complete honesty with no reservations...well maybe a little reservations but you hurtled over those.... and the truth is that now that you have written this and gotten it out there you will be more able to get over him.... I am so very proud of you for writing this, for having the COURAGE to write this and not only write it but post it here. My pride in you knows no bounds.... ok I am going to stop babbling now just know this was an amazing write!