HER

Its about someone who fell in love with a wrong person.

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you are in love with HER

       My being only wants to feel like her

       Sometimes I want to disappear

       Maybe there I will encounter pride

you only take me as a friend

       Everytime I show my love

       you pretend that you are not interested

        Each sacrifice I make you let sink

you are slave to Her

       She commands you as a dog

       you pride is gone

       You are nothing but a toy to her

you are my best Friend

      My body supports you

     but my heart kisses you 

     Poor me that fell in love with a friend

Author's Note

I hope you comment and give me notes . Thanks for reading

Reviews

[Riley Bray]

I do understand what you were going for here, and I must say that your format interests me, but I've spotted a few things I feel don't belong or are said a little oddly. They are as follows:

"The worst part is to be in love with you
Why?"-------------This sounds odd, so how about saying, "Why is the worst part being in love with you?" Or something along those lines.

"My being only wants to feel like her
Sometimes I want to disappear
Maybe there I will encounter pride"------First of all, you've changed tenses. It goes from, "you," to, "her," which isn't necessarily the correct way to write. (Although, of course, poetry has no rules...though I'd stick to correct grammar). Second of all, "my being only wants to feel like her," sounds strange, so why not trying to say, "My whole being aches for her," or something like that. The last line, "maybe I'll encounter my pride," would fit better if you changed it into something that connects with the last sentence and finises a thought so that its something like, "because maybe there I'll encounter my pride."

"Everytime I show my love
you pretend that you are not interested
Each sacrifice I make you let sink"------------Everytime should be every time. Now again, the last line is standing on his own and doesn't connect, so I'd suggest changing it to something like, "and because of that, each sacrifice I make...you let sink." No matter the change, some punctuation should be added between make and you. You could also say something like, "Each sacrifice I make for you, you let sink."

"She commands you as a dog
you pride is gone
You are nothing but a toy to her"-------"She commands you as a dog," is the combination of two different grammatical sentences, which results in an incorrect mash-up of the two. Because of this, I'd suggest either saying, "she commands you," or, "she treats you like a dog." Next, "you pride is gone," should be, "your pride is gone." And lastly, I think you should add the word and in right before you on the last sentence to lob the two in together.

"My body supports you
but my heart kisses you
Poor me that fell in love with a friend"-------I think you should say it this way, because it seems to make more of an impact: "My body supports you
And my heart kisses you,
but poor me, I fell in love with a friend." This fixes the grammatical errors and corrects the flow.

Anyhow, this was a pretty good freethrow, my girl. Keep writing because I really love your stuff!!! (By the way, sorry if this has to much nitpicking...I'm a perfectionist. :P)

[Acucena G.]

Riley bray thank you very much, it was helpful to me, i will work on that.mwah

[Riley Bray]

Any time! :)

[Frieda P]

That gets really tricky when they're your best friend, but the heart wants what the heart wants, and it's difficult to feel any differently...it's short and succinct, says what it needs to.

[Acucena G.]

Thank you Frieda

[Frieda P]

Kudos on the rewrite, very nice!

[Acucena G.]

thank you very much

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

Love is such a tough thing to deal with. I have felt this way, so I feel your pain. Sadly, the heart seems to choose who we love; if we could choose on purely logical merit, the world would be a different place...but would it be as beautiful? In all the pain that you feel, you are still feeling.

As a poem...I think you could do a little more with this. I think you could expand the idea, perhaps write a stanza dedicated to each #, that way we can see a little more personally into your world--or the world of the person this is written about (sometimes we write about people other than ourselves, so I understand this). I would simply start the poem with the line "What is the worst part about being in love with you?" (maybe italicized), and then go into a three or four line stanza on each idea. Just my own little thoughts though.

[Acucena G.]

Thank you Sarah , you advice is really helpful , I will work on that

[Baby Ricochet]

Love is a many splendid thing and it can be annoying as hell

[Acucena G.]

it's true

[Acucena G.]

Thanks for reading

[esperanza]

I like how you also put questions in the poem it's really nice .

[Acucena G.]

Thank you Esperanza

[esperanza]

Your welcome and for one request "101_Kisses " there's only one not published but the rest are published .

[Acucena G.]

Okay , I'll check them out

[esperanza]

Okay hope you like them .

[Sami Khalil]

I like questions in poems and this one asks some great ones...:)

[Acucena G.]

Thank you Sami

[Sami Khalil]

My pleasure...:)

[Sami Khalil]

^^~^^ :)