HER

Its about someone who fell in love with a wrong person.

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you are in love with HER

       My being only wants to feel like her

       Sometimes I want to disappear

       Maybe there I will encounter pride

you only take me as a friend

       Everytime I show my love

       you pretend that you are not interested

        Each sacrifice I make you let sink

you are slave to Her

       She commands you as a dog

       you pride is gone

       You are nothing but a toy to her

you are my best Friend

      My body supports you

     but my heart kisses you 

     Poor me that fell in love with a friend

Author's Note

I hope you comment and give me notes . Thanks for reading

Reviews

[Riley Bray]

I do understand what you were going for here, and I must say that your format interests me, but I've spotted a few things I feel don't belong or are said a little oddly. They are as follows:

"The worst part is to be in love with you
Why?"-------------This sounds odd, so how about saying, "Why is the worst part being in love with you?" Or something along those lines.

"My being only wants to feel like her
Sometimes I want to disappear
Maybe there I will encounter pride"------First of all, you've changed tenses. It goes from, "you," to, "her," which isn't necessarily the correct way to write. (Although, of course, poetry has no rules...though I'd stick to correct grammar). Second of all, "my being only wants to feel like her," sounds strange, so why not trying to say, "My whole being aches for her," or something like that. The last line, "maybe I'll encounter my pride," would fit better if you changed it into something that connects with the last sentence and finises a thought so that its something like, "because maybe there I'll encounter my pride."

"Everytime I show my love
you pretend that you are not interested
Each sacrifice I make you let sink"------------Everytime should be every time. Now again, the last line is standing on his own and doesn't connect, so I'd suggest changing it to something like, "and because of that, each sacrifice I make...you let sink." No matter the change, some punctuation should be added between make and you. You could also say something like, "Each sacrifice I make for you, you let sink."

"She commands you as a dog
you pride is gone
You are nothing but a toy to her"-------"She commands you as a dog," is the combination of two different grammatical sentences, which results in an incorrect mash-up of the two. Because of this, I'd suggest either saying, "she commands you," or, "she treats you like a dog." Next, "you pride is gone," should be, "your pride is gone." And lastly, I think you should add the word and in right before you on the last sentence to lob the two in together.

"My body supports you
but my heart kisses you
Poor me that fell in love with a friend"-------I think you should say it this way, because it seems to make more of an impact: "My body supports you
And my heart kisses you,
but poor me, I fell in love with a friend." This fixes the grammatical errors and corrects the flow.

Anyhow, this was a pretty good freethrow, my girl. Keep writing because I really love your stuff!!! (By the way, sorry if this has to much nitpicking...I'm a perfectionist. :P)

[Acucena G.]

Riley bray thank you very much, it was helpful to me, i will work on that.mwah

[Riley Bray]

Any time! :)

[David Wesley]

I think you are getting somewhere with this! =)

The purple emphasis stands out nicely, especially the language. Your theme of love/pride and blindness/acknowledgement brings a dichotomy to this piece.

Contrasted well. =)

[Acucena G.]

Thank you very much D.Wesley

[Souladareatease]

A heart breaking write- Beautiful feeling laid raw...agree with Sarah I would thicken each # a bit, the feelings convey even if don't pursue the more in-depth...the "right" details are given--deep Ink!!!

[Acucena G.]

Thank you for reading and giving me advice, I really appreciate. One love

[Syble]

Nice! I enjoyed this poem, I like the way you formatted it too, it's different...I like different :) Thanks for sharing this with us!

[Acucena G.]

Thank you very much

[Jack...]

Yes, this situtaion can't be good right now, but give it time...you never know. Nice.

[Acucena G.]

Thank you , I am over it though

[Vikrantsingh]

Love is endless thought, I wish I'm out of it.
We have better things to write about but dear friend. This is rather questioning one's ability. You have way better understanding of expressing it.
I must read it again and Gosh! you are better than me.
Sigh! You made me to check your other work as well. I hope you keep drawing wonderful poem with your thoughts flow and keep running brush all over this page to give us opportunity to read some good art (Poem)

Cheers!!
Vikrantsingh Parmar

[Acucena G.]

wow , thank you very much for the wonderful words , one love Vikrantsingh

[Vikrantsingh]

You're Welcome

[Acucena G.]

wow, thank you for your wonderful words , and also thanks for supporting my writings.

[quinfinn]

well, i like the rewrite even better...this is vastly improved!

[Acucena G.]

Thank you quinfinn

[quinfinn]

yep!

[Acucena G.]

Thank you very much quinfinn

[quinfinn]

you are welcome, certainly!

[quinfinn]

vital points made in decisive and short order...very effective and relevant. very good.

[Acucena G.]

Thank you quinfinn

[Kristin Lee]

How brutally raw. But then I think we've all been there and that's why it resonates. More of an opening of your soul than a poem. But that's the beauty of poetry, just like people it comes in many forms. Thanks for sharing such a tender part of your heart.

[Acucena G.]

Thank you for your time Kristi

[Imara]

First, I feel your pain here...ugh. Haha.
I'm not one who usually suggests big changes because you know poetry, but here I feel a rhyme or some kind of flow would help here. I didn't know I was even reading a poem at first. Things like getting rid of the hashtags and (as annoying as it is) writing out the full words might help.
Over all this is great, straight forward, and true to the core. I don't know a single person who cannot relate to this piece. Good Job :)

[Acucena G.]

Thank you Imara , I wrote it down but I wasn't sure about the format or anything , I will get rid of some stuffs over there . One love

[Imara]

I can't wait to read the edited version :)