An Open Letter to the Boy I Loved Once

A letter to the boy I once loved: questions I wish I had asked, and things I wished I had said.

     Do I love you? Once upon a time I did, or at least I think I did. Let's just say I didn't have enough time to delve into those feelings before they turned to heartbreak. Can it not be love if heartache plagued me? Three long years of recovery for my heart, sewn shut with patches overtime. 

     Now I have a question for you sir, demon from my past, did you ever grasp how vital you were to me? For two years you were my lifeline, and I clung to you desperately for fear of drowning in the swirling emotions and paradoxes that are teenage life. One day that line I had faith would never break, snapped, leaving me flailing. The unthinkable had come to pass. I had lost you. The turbulent waves of adolescence tore the breathe from my lungs and broke my back on the unforgiving rocks of life. 

     There's no reason to air our dirty laundry here, we both know what happened between us. Some say there are three versions to every story: yours, mine, and the truth. They say the truth lies somewhere between the two, but who cares what they say. What I want to know, and I promise this is the last thing, is how you could throw away what we had? Regardless of romance, our friendship itself was remarkable. Never before had I experienced someone glancing at me and instantly seeing through my walls down to the bare bones that lay beneath. Despite what transpired between us, you could always see me for who I was. Not the face I put on for the rest of the world. And I saw you. 

    Can I just say you were beautiful? God you were beautiful. It was like everything around me was darkness and you were the sun. Even your eyes reminded me of the sun with the beautiful azure sky behind it. You were the sun, to my moon. In my eyes you were perfection personified, the Adonis among men (though looking back I may be leaning more along the lines of Chaos). You were blind to your best attributes but I soaked up your rays as if a woman suffering from heliophilia. 

     And yet you threw it away. The one who worshipped the ground your feet tread, and lived for those stolen moments of intimacy. I who knew you so well, better even than you knew yourself. I wonder if my true deep feelings scared you, so used to shallow pools of desire. Maybe you came to expect them, you know what they say you accept the love you think you deserve. Then again who cares what they say, I expect no answer to this. If so, that is your burden to bear. We all have one, even I. Though I would not be so inclined as to share it with you, my old lover. 

     What pained me was watching you love someone else, someone toxic. I watched her take the best parts of you and destroy them, bit by bit. While I on the other hand let life destroy me, to the molecular level.

     I think what may hurt the most is that knowing the whole time I was watching you, you never once glanced at me….

Reviews

[Ana]

Absolutely beautiful. I can feel the heartbreak just from reading your words. Sometimes people leave our lives because a newer, better someone is on the way. I hope you can find solace someday.

[Angel]

Thank you. It was a long time ago, but it was gut wrenching. I wrote this years ago but recently found it. I could hardly believe those words came from me.