Chaos

A poem about the struggle of depression on your bad days, when you feel like you're slipping back down that slippery slow you fought so hard to climb.

My mask is slipping 

The walls of the façade I put up in front of others is cracked and veiny 

They struggle to remain upright in the tempest I traverse daily 

The overwhelming actuality of my current existence getting the better of me 

Showing the struggles I try so hard to hide From prying eyes. 

 

The slippery slope I walk everyday has gotten slicker, 

My feet fail me and I feel myself slide down the steep hill I worked so hard to climb

I have fallen, not so far as to be unreachable, 

Rather a distance that is hard to traverse.

Once more I feel myself retreating, 

Going into hiding if you will, wondering, what’s to come of me now? 

 

My fate is in my own hands, but are they steady enough to hold it? 

My hands shake and tremble, my fate tipping precariously from one side to the other 

Close to being lost in the abyss we call life I struggle to hold it all together, 

Praying for my inner strength to calm my trembling hands and aching heart. 

Instead, my breath feels tight in my chest, wrong, 

I struggle with the most natural of actions.

 

Drawing breath should be effortless, 

Why do I struggle so? 

My breath comes in ragged gasps and my hands tremble anew, pitilessly, 

I am slipping 

The girl I once had such a firm grasp on gets farther and farther away 

She looks at me with kind eyes and a smile, Her hand outstretched to me, reaching for me. 

Asking me to come back, 

But my hands tremble and the pain in my chest in unbearable 

My feet are stuck, nailed to the ground by my own insecurities and inadequacies. 

 

The slope in front of me looks insurmountable, the odds too far in the house’s favor 

It would be so easy to slide the rest of the way and embrace the sweet darkness that calls and beckons 

Waiting at the bottom, willing to give me a lovers embrace 

To welcome me home with a open arms and a sweet kiss tasting of sorrow

 

The darkness, however, has its price In exchange for a constant companion, it asks for my mind. 

In a world where the only thing you have is your mind, 

Would a constant companion be a fair trade for such a precious thing? 

Even as this thought crosses my mind

I feel the darkness ripping it away, Screaming, “Of course! I will be here for you when no others will,” 

It is a sweet lie, but a lie none the less, 

For even the darkness must be laid to rest at daybreak. 

 

With my feet nailed to the floor, stuck, 

My hands trembling so badly my future looks precarious at best, 

Each breath inflicting excruciating pain, It seems easier to give up, stop trying, give in to the sick thoughts that plague my mind 

I look to this hill and all I can see is struggle, an endless trek ending in more pain. 

I wonder if it will ever end. 

 

The world around me lightens with the dawn of a new day, 

The dew on the hill glittering in the morning light, 

It seems so beautiful, and yet 

The darkness down the hill, barely visible, calls to me 

It calls for me to join it, and my heart, my traitorous heart, 

It wants nothing more than to join its old friend, 

Almost overriding my mind, almost allowing me to slip back into insanity. 

 

Instead I turn and with trembling hands I adjust my mask, 

And bring the walls of the façade I’ve built around myself up, cracked and veiny as they are 

And brace myself for the day ahead, praying that this is the day I find my footing. 

The day that I pry the nails from my feet and begin this journey to stability. 

The day that my tremors lessen and my chest loosens by even a fraction of a degree, 

The day that maybe, just maybe, I won’t have to hide. 

From anyone… 

Even myself.

Reviews

[angel]

This was a nice piece of writing, and I'm not just saying that because we have the same name! Nice to meet you, other Angel!

[Angel]

Thank you! I really appreciate it. It’s nice to mee you too!