Chapter 1 Part 1

I basically re-wrote the entire beginning. What I had before was didn't flow properly and contained language that might have been offensive. The POV has been changed as well.

Sydney was becoming incredibly irritated. She had never regretted having a job at the discount bookstore until now.  If only she had been a terrible employee, her boss would have never trusted her to work the closing shift tonight. Her gaze was focused on the only two customers in the store, an elderly woman with her grandson. They had walked in just ten minutes before closing. Sidney had heard of people like this, but didn’t think anyone could be this annoying in real life. They didn’t even have the decency to move quickly; they had already been in the store for twenty minutes.

                Sydney’s focus broke when she started thinking of how this woman and child were killing her a little bit on the inside. Being overly dramatic, she thought of her bed, in her house only two blocks away, and how it seemed she would never get to sleep tonight. She would stand by this cash register, inhaling the musty smell of the older books and cringing at the sound of the boy’s running shoes squeaking, forever.

                Daydreaming had actually reminded Sydney that sound of the boy’s shoes squeaking against the floor had become much softer. They had moved closer to the back of the store, meaning it could take another eternity for them to leave. Sydney finally moved from her spot behind the counter and marched into the maze of bookshelves, determined to get these two out of the store. Sydney’s determination was a complete waste though, as both customers turned the corner at the end of the first bookshelf that she walked by.

                “Oh my gosh, I am so sorry honey,” said the woman. “We’ve been in here so long and now we’ve almost knocked you over! Say you’re sorry, Jason.” She looked down at the little boy who was holding onto her with one hand and clutching a book with the other. When Sydney looked at him, he hid himself behind his grandmother.

                “Jason Rawlings, stop that,” she said again. “You say you’re sorry, right now.”

                “Sorry,” he mumbled.

                “Oh, don’t worry about it!” Sydney said with a fake smile. “Are you guys all ready to go?”

                “I think so,” said the old lady. She and her grandson shuffled behind Sydney towards the counter. “The little man here was sick of all his other bedtime stories and just wouldn’t fall asleep without a new one.” Giving into a child’s selfishness might have been a stupid reason for being an annoying customer, but Sydney still had to fight the urge to say it out loud.

                After finally closing shop, Sydney stepped out of the store triumphantly, only to discover it was raining heavily. She had never brought an umbrella to work before and had worn just a t-shirt and a pair of shorts in an attempt to escape the sweltering summer heat earlier. She would simply have to wait until her mother drove by on her way home from the hospital.

                The rain grew even heavier the longer that Sydney stood there. Droplets of water sliced through the air with precision and exploded upon touching the ground. The little canopy above the entrance of the store was becoming increasingly useless as Sydney backed up closer and closer towards the door. Just when she thought she would have to re-enter the store, headlights illuminated the dark road on her right. A grey sedan pulled in towards the curb and stopped right in front of her. The passenger window rolled down and revealed a teenage boy about Sydney’s age.

                “You need a ride?” he yelled. The rain was so loud Sydney could barely hear him.

                “No thanks,” she replied. “Just waiting for my mom.” At that moment, a bolt of lightning traced its way down from the sky, followed by a deafening crack of thunder. Both Sydney and the boy jumped.

                “Hey, you live down this street, don’t you?” he continued. “I’ve seen you walking to work before. I live here too. It wouldn’t be much trouble for me to take you home.”

                “I’m a big girl,” Sydney said.  "I stopped being afraid of lightning a long time ago. My mom’ll be here soon anyway.”

                The boy’s brow furrowed and his jaw clenched slightly. His peaceful brown eyes had suddenly turned cold. “Okay, listen, little girl,” he barked. “You’re the one who called me here so you had better get in this damn car.”

                “What are you talking about?” Sydney snapped back. “I never called you here.”

                “Sydney, you just got off the phone with me ten minutes ago,” said Sydney’s mother. “Now please get in the car before you catch a cold.”

                Sydney’s gaze darted all across the street, but the only thing she could see was her mother in her black pickup truck that hadn’t been there ten seconds ago. The boy with the dark hair and cold eyes was gone.

 

                                                            

Author's Note

Is the dialogue realistic? Does it flow well? What didn't you like about it?