One man's fault

A man describes the feelings he passes through as he changes skins.

Dreams are destroyed. Fallen angels shout their ultimate heresy. Shall I tell a mortal story? Everything that lives on earth is finite, time eats us all. I grab a flower and pluck its leaves she’s gone now, I step on the ants passing by, they run all around, screaming if they could, all massacres start with a boot on someone’s neck. The dog barks, “Shut it!”, the bark is out. I move towards the main road, the weather asks for permission to open a light on someone’s heart, then again, people are strange to any kind of despair that is not their own. The weather begs for some recognition, so does the hobo on the side of the pavement, “Hey honey, how about change?”, none for you, or for anyone for that matter. I hit the bridge and there are small people under it, little points, little heads communicating about absurd things and unwanted s**t that no one cares about. I scream, “Ahhhhh!!!!” they don’t hear. I reach the step of a woman and ask her: do you even care? No she says. Forget it. The streets are beautiful, the trees fall over the sides, I kick the leaves as I walk, some are red, others are brown, but all I think about is death, am I ever going to win a trip to paradise? The angels don’t think so, voices in my head say it’s a dumb dream. The city arises in the light of the day, here comes Ted with his journal, please don’t ask questions Ted. The man crosses the perpendicular I go to the other place where he came from. I’m gonna ask Tatyana if she wants to go out. Hey, I’m single, you are single, perhaps it’s time I declare, she rejects me, apparently, I’m a despicable human being. Loneliness is a mortal’s thing, no one except us can have nightmares in bloody daylight. A rock lies in my shoe, as I remove it Tatyana covers her nose. “Ewww”. Come on!! It’s not that bad honey. I’m poor she says, her father won’t permit it. I illude myself with grandiosity and romanticism so that some old man can kick me out of his porch. Doesn’t matter. Hey!! F**k you! How about that ehh?!  Suddenly I am at work, loveless, and disgusted with who I am. Am I ever going to have what my boss has? Will I ever reach his position? Man, I need a better suit. One of those Italians, perhaps even english with a double vent in the back. A thought comes to mind. Luxury is defeat. Do I ever have to wear a tie? Should I quit immediately all because my ideals don’t match with the lobster? That’s dumb and so are people with midlife crisis, who can only see life in its latest state of degradation, when change is impossible. The tulips at Gina’s garden are the type you bring to a funeral, but I say nothing, I wake up and look at my window, and am disgraced by those f*****g tulips, my god there’s so much hate in my heart. One day I arose at dawn and collected some for me. Gina saw me flea the scene with about four crime witnesses, she said nothing. A certain morning her husband came to my house with a basket full of them, they were white and remembered me of my mother on her death bed, I cried. Nobody loves me. I thanked the neighbor and asked him to join me for a drink. I wiped the tears in my face as his own fell down, “I’m gay” That’s fucked up, aren’t you married? The conversation went downhills from there, but I was ok. The man was full of emotion and told me that he idolized a style of life, a stupid thing as having children. I inquired if the happiness of those little things were not more important to him, what he would do then. He said nothing was more important and it was final. “Silly, I am” He gazed at the window right where the tulips were, and Gina waited for him. Dear life, I thought, am I this happy alone? We said goodbye. I never saw him again, as I moved places a couple of times. All my houses were soulless because I painted them gray. But again, is a man soulless because he drinks love in the evenings? It was dark, in the most dangerous part of the city. Flattened cars rolled by young boys wearing Rolexes, I drank at a bar, unemployed. This is life, I remembered the neighbor’s tears, clueless of what it meant, for me it meant another death, another soulless body. The stripper danced as the glass of whiskey warmed up. Intense weather was rumored to hit the town, I hoped it to be cold so I could drink everyday without feeling guilty.