Chapter 1 - No Cause to Celebrate

Introducing Kane Maxwell and his family.

Even though the Southern army was victorious, they were silent. From the 20,000 men that left the town of Oakhill, only 9000 returned. Many close friends and brothers in arms were gone. The surviving men were also bloodied and bruised from the battle, some of them in bandages, some of them on support sticks; nevertheless they laboured through the messy pebbled road in the village where there was an evident gloomy chill in the wind.

At the front was King Vincent Canterbury. He wore his golden crown on his head while covering him from the shoulders down was the most expensive armour money could buy. He seemed to be the only one with no visible injuries, probably due to the fact he commanded his army from deeper lines. That’s not to say he was afraid to fight, because he was an honourable King who never shied away from a battle. He just knew that he was the most important asset for his side, as his mind and knowledge made him more valuable than any other. His know how and tactical nous was second to none.

By the Kings side was his Prime Commander Magnus Drach. He had a cold look in his eye and a long scar running down his face, giving him a menacing exterior. From what the villagers had heard of him, he was someone not to be trifled with at all. It was said that he once killed a bear with his own hands, he killed four men while having three arrows shot through him and he was the only person in the Kingdom to have killed a troll. He was a giant of a man with enough strength to fill five grown men. Having him on your side for a war must have been priceless and judging by the result, that had proven to be correct.

 

The King brought his horse to a standstill and he announced to his men robustly, “Brave soldiers, you have done your families proud, your ancestors and your King. Your services here will go down in history. It will not go unrewarded. Go now, Return to your families, rest and recover, kiss your children good night, make love to your wives. We will announce a day to honour the dead. We will celebrate their lives. We will celebrate their victory, our victory. Return to your homes, and I thank you for your services.”

The soldiers let out a roar of “long live the King” before slowly dispersing. The King and his Knights rode on past the village up towards the magnificent castle which sat atop the famous Oakhill. However the villagers and less significant folk who were recruited for the war, stayed behind in their less than privileged homes. There was a mixture of emotions amongst the villagers. There was the joy of sons, fathers and husbands returning from the war but the despair of those learning their male relatives had perished.

 

                                    ***

Kane Maxwell, a gallant boy from the village, held his little sister consolingly while his mother stood next to them sobbing into a handkerchief. The absence of his father’s return from the war had all but confirmed that he never made it out alive. The letters from him had stopped for the last two months. Each household in the Kingdom had to give one man to fight in the war and Kane’s father, Klark Maxwell, otherwise known for being the village hunter, nominated himself. It was a wretched day for the Maxwell’s, but deep down they knew it was coming. Kane was a fairly tall and stocky lad who had light brown hair and a strong chin. Every skill he had been taught and every piece of knowledge he knew was mainly thanks to his father. He couldn’t believe he was dead and it pained him to accept it.

Most of the villagers had gone back into their homes but there were still a few out in the blowing breeze; mainly those of the families that were hugging and kissing the men that had survived. Kane’s mother and sister went back into their home but he stayed out a while. He looked over the returning men resentfully. He felt jealous of the families who were so happy while he was so devastated. He wished that all the other fathers were dead and that his father had survived. As selfish as it was, he loved his father and he didn’t know how his family would be able to cope without him for much longer, let alone the rest of their lives. But what was done was done and nothing could change that. The other family’s joy didn’t bode well with Kane’s stomach. Even his friend Cory Benson, whose father had returned, annoyed him; so he made his way back inside deciding that he had seen enough.

 

There was a depressing silence in the Maxwell home but it was broken by Kane’s mother - Eleanor. She had kind eyes and gentle soul. “How are you children feeling?” She asked with a brave face. She was admirably trying to be strong for them even though deep down she was heartbroken.

Kane’s little sister " Rosie, whimpered in response, “I’m really sad, I miss him.” She was only a child so she was fairly small, but as cute as a button.

Eleanor forced a sympathetic smile at her little daughter, “I know sweetheart, I’m sorry, is there something I can do?”

Rosie held her arms out to her mother for an embrace so she hugged her tightly.

“Kane, are you okay?” Eleanor asked her son once again.

He replied bluntly, “Well, I’m not feeling any better than I was at the beginning of the day.”

Eleanor stroked Rosie’s hair lovingly for more consolation, “I know we’re all devastated and we’re going to miss him, but we’re going to get through this. Your father was a smart man, you may not realise, but he prepared us for this.”

“How so?” Kane blurted abruptly.

Eleanor replied encouragingly, “Well for starters: he taught you how to hunt so you can feed us, he taught you how to fight and shoot so you can protect us, he taught me how to preserve meat in case the animals go into hibernation, he taught Rosie how to pick the ripest fruits and determine which ones are poisonous… you’d be surprised at how well he’s prepared us.”

Kane mumbled dejectedly, “I’m nowhere near as good a hunter as father.”

His mother looked at him adoringly because of his modesty, “Well for the few months that your father has been gone, you’ve done a great job. You’ve been able to keep our bellies full and we’ve got lots to spare.”

Kane decided to touch on her other point about protecting them, “… protect you? I may be able to fight people my age, but how am I going to do against the people older than me, they’ll crush me.” Kane was clearly feeling the pressure of being the new official man of the house.

“I don’t think you give yourself enough credit,” his mother assured him. “You’re as tall as most of the men around here and you’re very strong for your age. Just the other day, you carried back a full grown deer from the forest which must have weighed about 180 pounds, that is no easy feat. Plus you’ve got a lot more growing to do so naturally, you’re going to get a lot stronger.” His mother gave him an encouraging smile.

Kane looked slightly overwhelmed but he knew he was bigger and stronger than his age might suggest, plus the training he was given by his father would definitely come in handy.

His mother went on, “I’m sorry this has happened to you, a 17 year old and an 8 year old shouldn’t have to lose a father so young. But you’ll still be able to remember him. He won’t be forgotten, and keep in mind he’ll be watching over us from the heavens. If you ever miss him or need some guidance just look to the skies and he’ll be there.” This was little consolation for Kane but he appreciated the effort of his mother’s attempts to cheer him and Rosie up.

 

The fact that Kane’s 18^th birthday was coming up seemed to be a cruel trick played on him by the Gods. The timing couldn’t be worse and there was definitely no cause to celebrate. It was in two days. An announcement had also come through from one of the King’s Ministers, that the day after Kane’s birthday, it would be the celebratory and memorial service for all of the fallen heroes. That meant there were two supposed celebratory occasions in a matter of days, but given the time, they were not deserving.

Eleanor had tried to find out what Kane wanted for his birthday however he never gave a request. They were by no means wealthy, but traditionally whenever it was one of the children’s birthdays, they would be given at least one gift. Eleanor had one silver coin and a few copper coins saved up but the usual method of payment in the village was through trade. Kane would hunt the meat " pheasant, squirrel, rabbit, pigeon, fish and on the lucky occasion a deer or a boar. He would then trade these for whatever might be needed, whether it be: bread from the baker; milk and eggs from the farmer or weapons from the blacksmith. If his hunting was going particularly well, then he would even trade something with the toymaker to give to Rosie or the jeweller to give to his mother. It would never be something expensive but usually something with trinkets and lucky charms.

Kane loved his sweet sister more than anything in the world and was very protective of her; he loved his mother too but he just liked the responsibility of taking care of a younger sibling all her life, so he felt a special bond with her. Nevertheless the two of them were the most important things in his life and now with his father gone, he was going to do everything in his power to take care of them. It was time to take up the mantle from his father to not only be the new village hunter but the family’s protector.

Author's Note

All comments are welcome :)

Reviews

[Bear]

Don't get in the habit of over thinking/wording something, (He wore his golden crown on his head) everyone knows a crown goes on your head so this is unnecessary wording. I suggest to everyone that you have someone read your work out loud to you or use a text to speech program. Listening to your work will help you catch things that sound good in your head but not so good to your ear and you can fill in the blanks. Like (a 17 year old and an 8 year old shouldn’t have to lose a father so young) reading this sentence I can't be sure if you are talking about the boys being young or their father being young? I know it sounds like nit picking but these are the things a good editor or publishers editor will hear and reject it without going any farther. Now days with all a computer can do to help a writer publishers are looking for an all but finished product. As for the story, it is already well developed and character traits are starting to stand out. So far so good, have to wait and see how the relationships and interactions play out before you can tell if the plot line is strong enough.

[Hakim]

Thank you for the feedback. Was the 17 and 8 year old part the only bit that made you unsure?
Nit picking is good, i prefer negative things to positive - the only way it will improve my work.

As for the crown part i just wanted to include "on his head" because i go on to say "covering him from the SHOULDERS down was the most expensive armour..." it was like a full body description... but i get your point

Nice one ;)

[Kaliope]

Your story seems very well thought out and your characters all feel distinct, so I believe this is really good material.

There are a few criticisms I can offer though:

You pack a lot of exposition into the first part, so my advice would be to adhere to the old rule "show, don't tell". Furthermore much of the information you give us is not needed at this point. You could - for example - drop the entire paragraph about the Prime Commander, he doesn't play any essential role in this chapter (nor the two that are following as far as I could see) so introducing him here in such detail is not necessary and distracts from the actual plot.

Regarding the dialog: it is rather unconventional to place the dialog tags in front of the direct speech, therefore it makes it more obvious that this is a writer's invention which in turn makes it harder for readers to immerse themselves in the story. If you want to address the mood of the speaker before the speech, my suggestion is to use actions and body language instead. That not only sets the tone but also adds motion and emotion and thus tension. It even gives you the chance to describe your characters without falling into the telling-instead-of-showing trap.

Lastly I'd suggest reconsidering your choice of perspective. Part of the scene is told by a narrator, part seems to be from Kane's perspective, another part almost sounds as if it was Eleanor's POV. Consider choosing one perspective and sticking with it, multiple perspectives within one scene can be tricky and you risk that the reader finds it difficult to connect with your protagonist(s).

That said I think this is a nice start with great potential. Hope I could help & keep going!

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Interesting story!
Looking forward to the next development.
Well done.

[Eternal Devotion]

Didn't realise you had started :o Love the relationship between Eleanor and her children, I feel like I know them already

[Hakim]

Awesome, im glad that you feel connected to the characters so soon, i thought that was going to be a problem. Thanks for the feedback :)