My Life Story : Embarrassing Crap That I Don't Like to Admit

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Depression. 

For some reason I have such a hard time writing about this topic. 

Unexpectedly, I was depressed. 

It isn’t something that just appears. It’s a slow onslaught of one horrible thing happening after another. 

Each person has their own reasons. My main reason was an easy form of bullying called exclusion. 

I guess it was somewhat my fault because I changed. My parents had gone through a rough patch and I ended having to temporarily run away from my father, with my mother and my older siblings. 

Long-story-short my dad has anger issues and it had gotten out of hand with alcohol being a main factor. We left for two weeks during the summer and then went back home after three days of him apologizing through the phone. 

I didn’t think I was allowed to tell anyone what had happened because everyone thinks my mom and dad are angels. If I told a friend, they would tell their parents and word would get around that I have a bad father. I didn’t want to talk to my mom about it because while we were driving away from home she began crying and that was the first time I ever saw her cry. 

I felt all alone and was scared that my family has the possibility of going through that again. 

So I became happy-go-lucky. I always felt like I had to pretend I wasn’t hurt or upset. I was the one who took one for the team and I always helped everyone but myself. 

My friends took advantage of that. 

They are very nice people and I am still good friends with them, they didn’t do it on purpose and I know that.

I started to get jealous because I was always picked last. I frantically tried to gain their attention again, by acting out and saying weird and random things. This interested them for about a month and then I began to annoy them all the time. I like to believe I have a knack for reading peoples emotions and seeing through people, by their actions and such, and I could tell they were having parties and I was the only one not being invited. I just wanted to be included. 

I remember one girl (I’ll call her Rachel) I got along the very well and she invited me over to her house on a Saturday. We made plans all week for what we should do first and who was going to bring snacks and such. 

On saturday I waited for her phone call but she never called. I remember my family went to a movie and I got permission that if she called her mom could come pick me up. I stayed at home and around 3 I finally called her house. 

When the phone picked up one of her other friends answered. I asked to speak to Rachel and she handed the phone over. Rachel said her friend invited herself over and she couldn’t say no. Rachel also said she was only allowed to have one friend over.

I was fine at first, but when my family came home I found it harder and harder to keep it in. I hid in my room for awhile and cried as quietly as I could. On Monday I had found out Rachel had invited over three other girls over and they had a sleepover. 

That was the first time I cried at school. 

Other things like that continued and it just hurt. I was constantly in pain. I felt like if I died no one would shed a tear. I think the only reason I didn’t cut was because I was scared of the pain. I drew blood once, when I slowly poked a safety pin in my arm, but that was it. 
I didn’t stop being friends with Rachel and them, but I kept trying over and over again to become someone important. 

It felt like I was a fire on the outside, a gold burning sun, but on the inside it was gross and rotten, something was corroding away. I remember waking up in the morning, walking into the bathroom, looked at the mirror and hated myself. 

I wasn’t funny enough, I wasn’t fast enough, I don’t play enough sports, no one liked me. 

I don’t remember exactly when, but eventually I began a system that whenever I kept feeling down and upset I would pinch myself and think about people who have had it worse than me. I think that helped a lot. I began looking at the big picture. I began loving my life. 

My friend helped me, I guess(I’ll call him Avery). I had a crush on him for like two years and he finally asked me out. I remember listening to his troubles and wondering how he can be such a wonderful person. 

He’s the oldest in his family. He his brother, and sister are all from their biological dad who left when he was five. He has a new dad who is way better and Avery got two more siblings, twins. I remember listening to him, and he distracted me from my parents fights ever once in awhile and my lack of friends.

Generally I have four words to describe him, strong, flirty, and stupidly insane. When I say flirty, he flirted with every girl he came in contact with. 

While I was dating him I became great friends with Rachel again and life was perfect, until Avery broke up with me. I knew it was coming. I agreed that we should still be friends and I told him I didn’t like him anymore so he wouldn’t feel bad. I asked him if it was because of another girl, and that I understood, but he vigorously denied it.

As soon as I got home I called Rachel and told her everything that happened. I didn’t want to cry in front of her, but she told me something she had overheard. 

She heard Avery talking to his friends about breaking-up with me and that he wanted to go out with another girl (I’ll call her Jamie). Jamie told Avery she would only date him if we broke up. As soon as let out a sob I hung up. 

After that Avery and I are still friends, after a lot of ignoring and crying and messed up feelings and crappy junk. Rachel and I are great friends too. I’ve also expanded my horizons and have gotten a lot of people that I talk to and that I consider my friends. 

Right now life is good. When it isn’t I get on this website and post, but there’s my life story. 

Author's Note

I know a lot of my stuff that has happened is stupid and I'm sure everyone has worse troubles than me. I also know this is long and it's just a big rant. This is my sacrifice so I can listen to others' stories. Anyway thank you so much for reading! Please don't forget to submit your life story in the My Life Story Contest! Have a perfectly awesome, wonderfully majestic and beautiful day!

Reviews

[alifeacoustic]

Some people always see friendliness as a weakness and will do anything to get what they want, without regard for the lives they are affecting in the process. When we paint a mask of happiness on our face, it won't take too long for someone to take advantage for their own needs, yet we are the ones left feeling bad for trying to be decent and getting hurt again. It's a never ending cycle.
So we change and adapt to fit in with other peoples ideas of what we are and slowly learn that we no longer know the real us. I'm not saying changing and adapting is wrong, but it should always be for yourself and not for others.
We stumble through life with the hope that it will all make sense to us one day, I hope that day comes when we finally figure it all out. Until then, I guess we'll just keep on living and learning.
Thank you for sharing such a personal and thought provoking piece. Maybe others will read it and realise that it's not just them either.

[Abby L.]

Thank you for saying this. I'm actually surprised anyone would review it, because it could make people a little uncomfortable. Now I actually tell people how I feel and that helps a lot. These events went on through 6th grade to freshman year. My closest friends know everything, even the ones who were the cause, I felt like I should be the example so no one else would have to go through something similar to me. I actually really don't care if I fit in anymore, because I've found I enjoy being alone, even though I'm usually not.
I think these events were meant to happen because now I know. I can understand people better, I try harder to include everyone, I try to be happy-go-lucky so it can power other people who are having a bad time. I've become easier to talk to. I don't know if it's making sense now, but I surely don't care if it will ever make sense.
Thank you for listening and reviewing

[alifeacoustic]

Well I try to review if I think it has made a valid point, despite the content, because it takes more for someone to post it than it does for me to review it. I wrote an autobiography a few years ago and accidentally deleted it, but I still have a paper copy I need to type up. I called it NDE: an accidental autobiography, the nde stands for near death experience and it started as a fiction, but by page two it had turned into my life story of all the dumb accidents I have had in my life. People did like it, but didn't believe it could all happen to one guy, but it was all true, so I know how you feel when you write personally, it never means the same to the reader as it does the writer. Also, I think everything should be reviewed at least once.
Wishing you a better 2016 and happy Hogmanay :)

[Abby L.]

Lol, I would love to read your accidental autobiography, it sounds very unique and interesting.
read moreLol, I would love to read your accidental autobiography, it sounds very unique and interesting.
Thank you again.
:)

[alifeacoustic]

Maybe one day I'll get my typing fingers on :)

[mark garvey]

Life sucks sometimes. And yes, you sound young. But there is nothing wrong with that. I am 62. And I have gone through, and am going through, many of the same kind of issues. Depression hurts. I have been fighting it a long time. Keep writing!

[Abby L.]

Thank you for reviewing, and for your positive feedback, I really appreciate it.

[mark garvey]

Depression is a hard thing. I have fought it a long time. And having an emotional abusive (now former!) spouse does not help. Learn to take care of you! I hope you find sunshine as special as you are. Not all of us do.

[Abby L.]

Thank you!

[Abby C]

That seems like a tough time to go through. I'm glad your atleast happy now :)

[Archia]

You're very strong for sharing this, it must've taken you a lot of courage and I know I don't have that courage. It's always encouraging to see someone share their story and especially with you you've seemed to stay strong through it. Everything that has happened to you is not stupid, it never is and people just have other troubles not necessarily worse. Thank you for sharing this.

[Abby L.]

Thank you for reading and reviewing! I really appreciate that someone would go through the trouble to read this long story. It makes me feel better that people aren't just scanning over it, they're actually letting me know they're there. If I had courage I wouldn't be so scared over what kind of people might read this. I'm pretty sure I just closed my eyes hit publish and hoped for the best. When you get over the scary part of what people might think of you it becomes less worrying.
Thank you so much for reviewing!