The Divide

A story about a half-blood struggling with the two contrasting cultures that lie inside her.

"We’ll only do it if you want to,” Mark said. “Don’t pressure yourself.”

Ruth knew he was right. Why should she? Why was she even considering having sex at all? But then she thought back to the conversation she had had with her American friend, Mariah.

Mariah and her had been friends for quite a while, since Ruth used to live in the States. She had left when she was pretty young, but thanks to Facebook, Mariah and her had been able to get back in touch and reconnect. Their conversation a few days ago had rattled Ruth, however, and it had really got her thinking.

“I mean, he always lets me do all the work and it isn’t easy being on top all the time.” 

Ruth always blushed whenever Mariah would talk about her sex life that she had with her new boyfriend Kevin. She and Mariah were both 20 and in college, but Ruth was already in her last year because of the absence of middle school in the Philippine educational system, while Mariah was still a sophomore. Ruth was in a nice and safe Business course that would guarantee her a job (as her parents said) and Mariah was studying to be a photographer (which Ruth couldn’t help but envy). 

At the time, though. Ruth was silent. Mariah laughed.

“Ruthy,” she had said, ”I can see you blush through the screen! Come on, are you really such a prude now?”

Ruth struggled for words. “Hey, I’m not a prude! It’s just… Nobody ever talks about that here, you know?”

Mariah smiled. “Oh, ok. Private huh? But you can talk to me, Ruthy. I won’t mind. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one with a sex life between the two of us!”

Ruth blushed, but this time it was because she was embarrassed. Mariah wasthe only one with a sex life between the two of them. Ruth did have a boyfriend, but the most they had ever done was meekly make out at his boarding house when the movie they were watching got boring. Ruth did feel an urgency but she dared not act on it. What would other people say?

“Ruthy? Ruth!” She hadn’t noticed Mariah calling to her from the computer.

“Oh, sorry Ri. What were you saying?”

“I was saying that I feel like the only one with a sex life here. What about you, Ruth? Tell me some details. How are you and Mark?”

“We’re fine.” Ruth knew what she really wanted to know, but she just couldn’t own up to her inexperience. Mariah knew so much more about life than she did. She had been living on her own in an apartment that her parents paid half for, and she had a part time job at a boutique and even freelanced being a photographer for local birthdays. Mariah had dated tons of guys and had been having sex since she was 16. Ruth had found out all these things since she had started talking to Mariah again. To a regular Filipino, all of that may seem scary, but to Ruth, she was oddly jealous of her friend. 

Ruth was half American herself, and it felt like she was missing out on the best part of her life whenever Mariah would tell her of all the things she was doing in Boston. Ruth would graduate and probably live with her parents unless she got a job in a different city or got married. Her only two options. It would be pointless to move out if she lived in the same city, even with a job. She felt trapped and secure at the same time.

“That’s not what I meant, Ruth. How are you in the bedroom? Anything? Or are you going through a dry spell? Come on, tell me something.”

Ruth knew she had to own up. “Actually, Mark and I… We’ve never really done anything.”

Mariah blinked. Was the news so shocking that it had rendered her speechless? If Ruth had told anyone that here, they would have been relieved. Mariah, on the other hand, looked like she was choking.

“What do you mean you haven’t done anything?? You can’t be serious?”

Ruth found herself giving an apologetic look. “I am? I mean… I’ve never…”

“You’ve never? Are you saving yourself for marriage or something? Cuz that’s totally cool, I understand.”

Ruth blushed again. Saving herself for marriage? That had never even occurred to her. She could use that as a lie, because Ruth honestly did not want to save herself. She knew well enough that she would at least try it before settling down with someone. She decided to tell Mariah the whole truth. It was Mariah, afterall, she’d understand.

“I’m not. It’s just… People here are really conservative. They look down on you or something if they know that you’re having sex.”

Mariah looked appalled. “What, like bully you or something??”

“No, it’s nothing like that. It’s just… There’s always a stigma. There’s a big emphasis on being ‘pure’ and s**t. Mostly everyone here is Catholic…”

Mariah rolled her eyes. “Yeah, you told me. But geez, Ruth, you’re 20. You’re not a teen anymore. You keep telling me you feel like you’re missing out, well this is something you can actually try. Don’t tell me you can’t even buy condoms over there? Or do you need to show a marriage certificate?” Mariah snorted. 

Ruth smiled at this joke, even though it was a little prejudiced. She didn’t like how it was over here, herself. Everyone was bound by the opinion of others. Only the strongest could ever say they didn’t care about other people. It was in this case the being “Westernized” was frowned upon. What did that even mean anyway? Ruth was only being herself.

“Listen, Ruthy,” Mariah had said. “Don’t think I’m pressuring you into anything, but you’re an adult now. Think about it. Hell, ask Mark about it. You’ve been together for forever now. Stop missing out.”

Ruth promised she’d consider it. They said their goodbyes and that was 2 days ago. Ruth had just talked to Mark about it and, bless him, he let her decide. He said he had thought about it, but he was never going to pressure her. She liked how easy going Mark was; her “Western” ideas never really ruffled his feathers. She loved him.

Ruth had almost made up her mind when she talked to Mariah again. She saw her friend almost jump for joy when Ruth had told her she was probably going to do it. Mariah then spent the next twenty minutes giving her advice.

“�" And you’re probably not going to bleed since your hymen has probably gone by the wayside…”

“Wait, what?” Everything was all so new to Ruth.

“Yeah, since you’ve waited til you’re 20. The hymen actually fades away the older you are.”

“Oh. Ok.” Ruth was getting nervous. She knows the basics: it’s going to hurt, always use a condom, relax… It seemed like there was too much to remember.

“Ruthy, relax. Just take it slow and you’ll be fine.”

“But what if I get pregnant, Ri??” Her anxiety was building.

“That’s why you use a condom. Every time, ok?” Mariah had an answer for everything.

“Ok… I’m nervous, Ri.”

“It’s natural. Just tell Mark and I’m sure he’ll make you feel better. Tell me everything when you decide to do it okay?”

“Okay. I will. I need to go, Mark is calling.”

“Told you. Bye!”

Sadly, Ruth had lied. All the talk had just made her nervous and she just wanted to think. She and Mark had actually planned to do it over the weekend, but that was still two days away. 

Ruth had always considered sex to be a big thing; no doubt the culture she had known for many years now did too. You heard about it everywhere - ‘Save yourself for marriage,’ ‘Sex is sacred, only for married people.’ Even at the Catholic school Ruth was studying in, there were signs put up by the Religious Study classes that said ‘The best gift you can give your spouse is your virginity.’

Ruth knew it was preposterous. That was too much. But everyone, no matter what they said, still seemed to believe it. Ruth felt torn between her thoughts. Did it mean she was too “Westernized” if she didn’t want to remain a virgin before saying ‘I do?’ Was she giving in to the pressures of her surrounding culture if she decided to ‘Save’ herself? Why was everything so confusing?!

Not one to chicken out, Ruth finally decided to go ahead with it. She ignored all of her thoughts and figured it was time. She loved Mark, and they had actually planned this.

They went up to his room at his boarding house, sat down on the bed and said their ‘I love you’s.

“You’re absolutely sure?” he asked one last time.

“No,” Ruth answered. “Yes.”

***

“So how was it???” Mariah practically shouted. 

Ruth smiled. “It… hurt. But it was fine.”

“You used a condom, right? Did you bleed?”

“Yes. And no. You were right.”

“So how does it feel?” Mariah smiled smugly.

“It actually doesn’t feel like it’s a big deal.” And Ruth was telling the truth. There was no epiphany of life that occurred once it was over. God did not strike them dead on the spot, either. They had stayed there in each others’ arms and it was fine.

“Welcome to this world, Ruthy. I hope you enjoy it. Ooooh I wish I could hug you! I feel like a proud mom!”

“Come down, Ri. But thanks. I’m glad that I did it.”

“I had a feeling you would. Congratulations!”

Ruth felt like that was too much, and yet she also felt like she deserved it. Unfortunately, Mariah would probably the only one she would ever tell.

It felt accomplishing, to indulge in her “Westernized” wants, but it also felt lonely. She had no other friends that weren’t virgins anymore. At least, none that she knew of. Were some hiding like she would now? Were they bound by the cultures demands of purity? Did they feel as alone as Ruth was already starting to be? When would the time come that she could share her experience with someone that actually lived in the same country she did?

In the end, Ruth knew there was still a divide. Whatever she did, it would always be determined as “Western” or traditional. It felt like she didn’t know where she belonged anymore. She loved and hated both of the cultures embedded in her blood now. Was there ever a median?

At school on Monday, her Religious Studies teacher started talking about virginity and chastity again. It seemed everyone had something to say, but Ruth just tried to remain silent without looking conspicuous. As always.

Author's Note

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