Oceans

Journal Entry: Part 2- I Don't Know How To Compliment You

His eyes: the color of the ocean I swam in yesterday; this blue-green that could make any poet dream.

Peering into them at 1:30 am under the dying gas station lights, I'd never felt so comfortable.

His eyes could've been the actual ocean, thousands of feet deep, with monsters lurking at the bottom, and I'd still jump in.

And I did.

His hair looked like an ocean wave, a little messy because of how late it was, messy like the bay on a breezy day; a soft, gentle, rippling tide.

And whenever he said something sweet, my cheeks put sunsets to shame and every piece of me would sway happily and uneasily, like a sailboat in open water,

Because I didn't know what to do. What an amateur sailor.

His smile was a row of pearls that I wore around my neck, keeping the nervous seas calm.

And his touch was gliding water, caressing me, dragging me further into those damn eyes.

Those damn eyes made me forget how to swim.

And him; he was the ocean itself, with a body as tall and arms as wide, I wanted him to engulf me. Completely.

I wouldn't have minded drowning as long as my lungs were completely immersed in that water.

But then again, peering into those eyes at 3:45 in the morning under lights that made winter oceans look like summer,

I wouldn't have minded drowning at all.

Author's Note

I suck at punctuation

Reviews

[Glen Weimann]

Hi Abbie. I liked a great deal about this. I have a couple of suggestions, but first the things I liked.

You are really - really - good at linking lines, either by subject or phonetically. You are also really good at what I'll call similes, but there are other words as well - let's say comparative statements. So for example, yesterday's ocean is linked to the ocean eyes in the gas station; ... forgot how to swim ... And him; the notion of drowning; the eyes, of course, several times; I'd still jump in ... and I did.

You also have a real way with words. My cheeks put sunsets to shame. The dying gas station lights.

So, great words, great imagery, all around a very strong theme of the eyes likened to oceans and the effect upon you.

OK some suggestions, though I'm now having second thoughts about them. I think these partly arise because as a reader I don't know if this is prose or a poem. On one level this doesn't matter. If it reads well, then it could be termed anything. And actually, the more I read and re-read it, I'm drawn to a sort of Philip Marlowe prologue delivered by Bogart or his female equivalent. But here are the things I was thinking of before my second thoughts:

... the colour of the ocean I swam in yesterday .... (could be conveyed more smoothly in less words)
... 1.30am ... ... 3.45 in the morning ... (why so precise when 'after 1' and 'nearly 4' would arguably be as good)
... what an amateur sailor ... (maybe virgin sailor or some other smoother adjective), and should this have a ! as it looks like you're chastising yourself a this point? (e.g. Some sailor!)
... happily yet uneasily ... might be better
... a body as tall and arms as wide ... as???? as what?
... the pearls line about keeping the sea calm, to me, makes absolutely no sense! I love it as a line, but then I try and work it out and I'm stumped!

Anyway, I really enjoyed it. It's very atmospheric and sticks within its theme but has loads of colour and variation. Very well written, and a great last line 'but then again .... I wouldn't have minded ...'

Best regards and hope at least some of these comments are helpful.
Nigel

[Abbie]

Hi Nigel,
Thanks for all your compliments! And your comments as well, of course.
Just to explain the line about the pearls, his teeth looked like the pearl necklace I've been wearing since I was little so it is comforting. His smile was comforting, therefore it made me less nervous. The nervous seas are me. I guess that line is a bit persona, as if outside readers wouldn't understand.

Thanks again!
Abbie

[M.E.Lyle]

Hmm, I wonder, at 3:45 in the morning, if those eyes look as appealing at...say, 9:45. Will you be left wondering, what in the world am I drowning for? The late night does strange things to a person's perception of what is real, especially if that person has had a bit too much mojo juice.
Don't worry about the punctuation too much. I have my problems with it too.
Well, I enjoy your work.

[Abbie]

No matter the time, they'd always look as appealing. No mojo juice involved, haha.
thank you.

[Abbie]

No matter the time, they'd always look as appealing. No mojo juice involved, haha.
thank you.

[M.E.Lyle]

I was taken back by your poem to a song that said something like "I went home with a 10 and woke up with a 2." I think that might have inspired my first comment. Things don't always look so great in the morning as they did that night. But I think that only counts for one-night-stands.

[Abbie]

definitely only one-night-stands