Talk

Journal Entry: Part I.

Talking is hard.

For the life of me, I can't tell a story. Years go by along with a plethora of "umm..." 's and "wait, where was I?" 's. My thoughts twist into knot, making my words struggle to fall off the tip of my tongue, like a person standing on the edge of a cliff, staring at the depths below, and deciding just then that they are afraid of heights. (Jump!)

I don't speak in class; never raise my hand when the answer is bursting out of my every cell, never say anything to those on the side of me, never make friends with those I know I could get along with. Words cling to the back of my sandpaper throat each time a teacher calls my name and my face burns an uncomfortable crimson hue, even when I get the answer right. That's when my hair become a shield (probably why I've never cut it more than an inch or two), away from everything. Notes and lectures and headphones have become a solitude in school.

I never know what to say when faced with confrontation or with a person telling me their deep thoughts or feelings or anything that matters. (My eyes always find the floor.) Although, I'd much prefer to listen to someone else's rant than to have to think of one for myself.

Strangely enough, a year ago, I felt more comfortable screaming my lungs out into a microphone on a stage in front of 60 pairs of peering eyes than I did in most environments. But now that's all gone (of course) and the stage has also become an unfamiliar void that makes my knees (and my voice) quiver until everything inside of me collapses and my physical self threatens to do the same. (That's why I haven't bothered to perform in ages.)

But the thing is (my friends know)

I talk.

A lot.

But its all to myself, to my journals, to the notes in my phone, to stray pieces of paper that collect in my back pocket. So when someone calls me quiet, I deny it to the ends of Earth. But they don't know the words I don't say. It's just, you see, the thing is,

Talking is hard.

Reviews

[Relic]

I have the same unique problem. I tend to stay on the quiet side when I'm around people. Although I've performed in front of large audiences, I prefer to stay in the background when it comes to conversations in a group of people.

Your last paragraph seems to be your strong points to me, not your weak points.

[Abbie]

I guess it's a tendency that writers have.

hm, I've never thought about it like that. Thank you!

[M.E.Lyle]

Holy cow, you could be telling my life's story here. Funny thing is, getting on stage is dreadfully frightening, but once started, things change and words just flow out. It's as if I'm all alone in a crowd. Is that too weird, or what?
Anyway, I freaked when I read this...and love it.
P.S. I'm always the person standing outside the circle of friends, listening in.

[Abbie]

Ah, thank you so much! No, it's not too weird, the stage is a weird place. I typically am too.