Draft: Lest You Reason Wrong, This Is Your Song

behold before your wretched self

the vicious vanity, and welfare string.

as played upon the little ref,

and to the people's minds would sing.

 

up in the heavens, down here below,

the mobs of state, and the Gods we know

the hooded mischief, in the name of good

would loot around, take all they could!

 

yet when the simpler stood at last,

once of hunger as they have passed...

was looked not at with the least of a grin,

the malicious men of blessed sin!

those folly means, where wits have been!

they think they have wilt it done,

they figured they'd win!

 

so long be-told what should be done,

how to give and live,

and how to take and run!

 

the merciful lords, of kings and queens

so foul and vain and so it seems,

have taken their shares, before our eyes

they spoke of countrymen,

and spoke of lies,

while merry the dozen in disguise,

many and many would improvise!

One for the patty,

one for the crew,

one for the little left of governance,

and one is for you...

two for those, who watch over themselves,

and two for the fires, and household vents!

 

the rest are escorts, and men of scorn,

sold to the lesser, bent and torn!

 

in dirth and in excess, far from pride,

the men at state, they do not provide...

but the people's voice,

will soon resound,

as the marching common-men break the ground,

hence, you must reason,

lest its too late,

that there is not much left,

so make use of wait!

 

and in the little time you have in store,

 be gentle to those, whom have held your door

or be swift on the simple men at feet,

plowing and working at the very one's beat!

they feed their littles,

and blast at fast,

every done day bygone,

tougher than the last!

 

so build your garrison,

and weigh your belt,

justice wilt be swift,

the swiftest you've felt!

 

By:

A.r. Black-Iris Bazian

The Black Iris Of The Luminous Imperious

Reviews

[S. Kimball]

Good stuff. I feel like you've already refined this a little bit, which is good.

Stuff I like:

The whole mostly lowercase letters thing works. It felt avant-garde in a non-pretentious way.

The rhyme scheme was good. By extension, I liked the way you broke up your stanzas in a random order. You did it without making it seem too chaotic and uncontrolled. This whole piece has a refined feel to it.

The flow was nice. Well done on that.

Your voice is solid, your method of loosely telling the story without shoving things in the reader's face was good.

Criticisms:

The only break in flow, which I feel may have been intentional, was this bit:

"One for the patty,

one for the crew,

one for the little left of governance,

and one is for you...

two for those, who watch over themselves,

and two for the fires, and household vents!"

That was jarring. I'm not sure it functioned as you intended.

There were a whole lot of exclamation marks. The first one I liked, but it felt old hat after awhile and very quickly lost appeal.

I think that's it, actually. Those are my only criticisms.

Good piece, solid writing. I liked it.

[A.r. Bazian]

Thank you, such a solid review must have been deserving of such as you would call it, a solid piece of writing!

[Dean Kuch®]

I'm not one hundred percent sure, but this spoke to me of politicians and those who hold themselves in the highest regard, verses the 'little people' of the world. I am really amazed by your use of vocabulary and style, that I DO know. And regardless of how far off my observations are, the flow and rhytm of this is impeccable! I especially liked the next to the last stanza. So...very...true!

[A.r. Bazian]

true... this is political!
and thank you for your review... really