The Pressure's On.

Growing up. Boyfriends. Pressure. Heartbreak. Moving on.

When I turned fifteen, it seemed like everyone around me was getting a boyfriend, or a girlfriend. Every conversation was "My girlfriend this" and "My boyfriend that."
By half of tenth, it seemed like I was the only person around who didn't have a romantic partner. While my friends were discovering and exploring their sexual orientations and moving into second base, I sat and wondered that the hell I was doing.
It's not like I wasn't pretty, or couldn't be approached, but I guess I just wasn't ready. Romantic walks, dates, kissing..none of it appealed to me and I felt numb and stone cold when my friends happily discussed their dates and romantic lives. Then I came to a point when I felt terribly left out; I couldn't relate to anyone or anything anymore. People would stare at me when they learnt I didn't have a date on Saturday, no, I was just sitting home, alone, eating ice cream and watching reruns of Pretty Little Liars or Desperate Housewives.
I didn't have anyone to talk to, either; my friends were all busy with their boyfriends or girlfriends. I felt extremely lonely, with my head bent down whole of school, trying my best to block out the couples in love around me, and then coming home and spending the rest of the day in loneliness.
Then I came to a phase where I was desperate. If everyone around me could have a romantic partner, why couldn't I? If short, snotty, smelly-mouthed Ariana with her face full of freckles and nasty words rolling off her tongue could have a super-hot girlfriend like Jessica, why couldn't I? If quiet, demure and blank Brittany could have a boyfriend, why couldn't I?
I started making an effort, but then, who was I to make an effort with, when all the good ones were taken?
It went like this for a long time. I would exert myself, try to flirt, but then something or the other would always go wrong, and I would have my hopes shattered terribly.
After that phase, I just succumbed into my 'don't care' phase. Gah. Let them screw each other and do whatever they want to, I didn't care anymore. I became known as someone who spit at lovers, and people generally steered clear of me.
But the honest truth was, that was just my way of coping with the fact that, as much as I tried to act indifferent,I wanted someone too. Someone to talk to, soemone to cry with, someone to hold my hand. Someone to kiss, and tell me they love me. I was lonely, but no one could tell.
And then came Matt.
Matt was a year younger than the rest of us; but they let him graduate early as he was apparently a brilliant student and everything. Side note: He was a geek, and therefore not boyfriend material.
But that was before we actually saw him, and when we did, our jaws dropped open.
There was nothing scrawny or remotely geeky about Matt. He had sandy blonde hair, a straight, square jaw, and a confident American smile. He was tall, and had a pretty well-developed body on him. He did wear specs, but they did nothing but increase the aura of hotness he seemed to radiate around himself.
Somehow, just somehow, he became assigned as my bio lab partner.
Now, there was nothing twilight-y or romantic about our first class (not that Bella and Edward's first class together was romantic - I'm just saying I wouldn't want to associate Matt and me with them in any way).
Bio was one of my strongest points, and we ruthlessly competed with each other, throughout the class, occasionally grinning at each other at the craziness of it all. It was one of my most memorable bio lab classes, and when we got out of the class, we talked, and I liked talking to him. He was articulate, and smart and could actually have a proper conversation with me, unlike the other dumb jocks in my class. He actually understood my sarcasm, and even laughed.
Turned out, he was pretty lonely, too. He didn't really have a lot of friends, and we sat together during recess, while people pointed fingers and there were hushed whispers about what I knew was were rumours blown out of proportion, but the truth was, I was actually kind of enjoying it, and if I didn't know better, so was he.
We practically spent an entire day together. He made an effort to come by and meet me, and that made my heart flutter, even though I was not at all a hopeless romantic.
At the end of the day, I realised, I liked Matt. I liked him a lot. He was nice, kind, chivalrous and all those things that drew me toward him and made me look forward to the next day just so I could see him.
People automatically assumed we were together. Over the next four weeks, Matt and I became inseparable. No matter what people around us said, he and I became much more. He became my best friend, my sole confidante, my one and only. He was the first person I went to whenever something happened, and vice versa. He let me in on some of his darkest secrets, and I let him in on some of mine.
I grew fond of him, and started loving him in a way that was beyond that of a simple crush.
And then, after a month of this, I finally plucked up the courage to ask Matt, if maybe he wanted to see if we could be more.
It was awkward, even with him.
He smiled and said, "Chloë, I honestly thought it was kinda inevitable. I mean, I do like you a lot."
Slowly, I fell in love with him, and he, with me. We became a "thing", and Unapproachable, Weird Cholë and Nerdcute Hottie Matt were never seen apart.
He came over to my place, and I went over to his. My parents liked him a lot, and my little brother Cameron even asked Matt if he could sometimes join in playing some video games with him.
His mom was the nicest woman I'd met; she welcomed me home, and his older sister Bethany was the sister I'd always wanted.
We became so much more, and I honestly, really thought he was my soulmate. We did everything together, it was so easy for me to connect with him, to be with him, to talk to him and spend time with him. I loved him. I thought we were going to last forever.
But as they say, good things never last. For Matt and me, 'forever' was thirteen months and nine days.
It actually started some weeks before that, I sensed he was slowly growing distant, and was even avoiding me. I confronted him about it, and he admitted we were growing apart, that things had changed.
I cried through the entire conversation, and for around six months afterwards.
It was so unfair. When I lost Matt, I lost my second family, I lost everything else. All the time that I spent with him and his family, I was now on my own, aimless. It was the first ever time I had fallen in love, and already my heart was broken. I loved him so much, and he left me, I was miserable, angry, upset, disgusted, depressed. It hurt even more because I had thought of a future with him, contemplated life with him.
For nearly six months after the break up, I was convinced I was depressed and did not have purpose in my life anymore. I missed Matt a lot. But the honest truth is, being with him, and then splitting, all of it taught me lessons, lessons I was going to need. Matt taught me how to love, he made me feel better about myself, and he also made me stronger. Since I had been through those six months after he had left, I knew I was strong enough to get through everything. What was harder was since I had spent all my time with him, I barely had any friends to help me through the break up. I was on my own, all alone, quite literally.
I still missed him. There were times when I felt that I wasn't over him, and there was anything I'd do to get him back. And then, I was okay again. That was how it went. You never really get over an ex, with time, you just get used to their absence till it doesn't hurt that much anymore.
I saw him with his new girlfriend, some months after we were over. He seemed happy. Initially I was seething, even crying and burning up inside. But then, with time, those feelings numbed. Then, there were no profanities, no silent rage, no ugly looks, just a genuine smile and a hello.
Because no matter how much Matt had hurt me, he had also taught me a lot, and for that, I was grateful.

Author's Note

Honest, constructive criticism is welcome and appreciated.

Reviews

[Toxic Panda]

Just effing beautiful.I sorta have a thing for geeky boys too, so this was just amazingly awesome.

[Prantik Ali]

I can so relate to this.
"You never really get over an ex, with time, you just get used to their absence till it doesn't hurt that much anymore."

You can swear, you can curse your fate, but at the end of the day, you have to let it all go.

[Aatreyee Ghoshal]

Exactly.
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. :)

[wordman]

a wonderful and heartfelt write ! we are who we are

[Aatreyee Ghoshal]

Thank you so much! :)
And yes, indeed. I agree.