Digby's Era of Eminence, Chapter One

"It all comes down to this moment," said Pop. "One strike away from the championship cup, he's on the verge of breaking every record in the book. The crowd holds their breath. His form is perfect. His resolve is unwavering. Failure is impossible." Pop lowered his ball and stepped forward, staring at the pins ahead with eyes like lasers. Sliding to a halt at the line, he swung his stubby arm and released the ball, which careened towards the lane. It pounded the wood with a thud and made haste into the gutter, where it continued leisurely toward the other side.

Pop let out a sigh of disappointment. He was either a man, a boy, something in between, or something else entirely, standing at a towering two-and-a-half feet and sporting pale, silvery blue skin. Most people gave him strange looks when they passed him on the street, but I think there are stranger sights. He had lived in Indiana for at least twenty years, but if you were to ask him where he came from originally, he wouldn't be able to tell you.

Pop glanced up towards the display hanging from the ceiling, which read "Pop" followed by ten zeros. "Did you see how hard I tried on that last one, Digby?" he said to the goat sitting at the control station. "I deserve a few points for effort, huh?"

"Baa," said Digby.

"Hey, this game is hard!" Pop retorted. "Let's see you try to knock some pins over with a ball, Digby."

"Baa," said the goat.

"I know you don't have hands Digby," said Pop, as he slouched into a chair. He watched from across the room as a big, muscular man carried cheesy nachos back to his station, where he shared some with his big, muscular friends. The whole concept of bowling was brutish and honestly, it was more than a little absurd, he thought. People throwing heavy balls to knock over pins and getting excited over some numbers on a screen, and eating baked corn things dipped in acidified milk product while drinking sugar water -- American culture at its essence. Pop laughed to himself at the silliness of it.

The big, muscular man was laughing too. He was joking about how easy the sport is, and how only wimpy kiddy losers can't bowl a perfect game. Pop stopped laughing. He glared at the man, and his forehead turned reddish and the sweat that was streaming down turned into hot steam. He got up and stomped across the alley and tried to make himself look tall, though it didn't work.

"Who are you calling a wimpy kiddy loser?" Pop said with attitude. The man almost injured his neck trying to look down at the kid. "You think you're better than me?"

"Uh, yeah," the big guy replied.

"Yeah, well I could take you any day," said Pop.

"Are you sayin' you think you can bowl better than me?" he asked, the edges of his mouth curling upward.

"I know I can," said Pop confidently. "I can trash you. So don't even think about challenging me, 'cause I'll send you running home to Mommy."

"Alright, why don't we make this interesting? We'll play tomorrow, same time, same place -- for two hundred big ones. You in?"

"No way," Pop said to Digby that night, as he nudged his dinner scraps around the edge of his plate. "I can't believe I agreed to that." He dropped the fork and put his hands on the top of his head. "I can't beat him! I can't even beat a caterpillar with crippling vertigo -- can it, Digby, I don't want to hear about that one from you right now -- and I put two hundred dollars on the line. Why am I so stupid?"

"Baa," said Digby. Digby was sitting on a short stool at the little round table opposite Pop, alternating between watching his friend complain and nibbling on his meal of sprouts and cabbage with a side of old UPS boxes.

"I know Digby. It's just one of life's mysteries." He picked up the fork and proceeded to shove the food around the edge of the plate, double-time.

An ad came on the television with bright colors and excited people, so Pop turned up the volume a little. "Suck at bowling?" asked the man in the ad.

"Yes," answered Pop.

"Want to impress your friends?"

"Yes!"

"We can help! The cutting-edge formula, Power Bowling Energy Juice, will transform you from wimpy kiddy loser to adept bowling master in the time it takes for chemicals to diffuse into your bloodstream!"

"Whoa, cool, are you hearing this Digby? My bloodstream."

"Supplies are limited, so order now!"

"Limited? Quick, Digby, give me the phone!" The goat grabbed the received in his mouth and passed it across the table. Pop frantically dialed the number on screen.

The next morning, there was a package waiting at Pop's front door. He tore it open like a kid on Christmas, and when he found the treasure within, he held it up to the light like it was the holy grail. It looked like an 8-ounce bottle of medicine, but the wrapping was painted with images of shiny, juicy melons and happy smiling people rocking at bowling. He turned it around, reading hungrily. Under the header "side effects" was written "document can be downloaded from our website." Normally a sucker for reading material, Pop had no internet access, and nonetheless was unable to parse the terms "downloaded," "website," and "document." He decided it would be safer to let Digby sample the Power Bowling Energy Juice before trying it himself, because, as he explained to his friend, goats have better immune systems.

Digby reluctantly downed a tablespoon of the sweet-smelling liquid. Pop watched the goat carefully and excitedly for almost a minute, fearing to breathe.

"Baa," said Digby.

Pop exhaled. "You look fine to me, Digby. How do you feel?"

The goat just looked at him, unblinking. Pop stared back. "Digby?" he offered. Digby didn't respond. Instead he fell over, dead as a dinosaur.

Pop was appalled. "Digby?" he whined as tears filled his eyes. He knelt by the fallen goat, and felt his neck for a pulse. It was still and cold. "No... No... You can't be dead. I'm... I'm sorry, boy. I shouldn't have been so selfish..."

He planted his butt next to what used to be Digby, and sat there until his tears dried. He cursed under his breath. "I'll avenge you, Digby," he promised. "This afternoon, at the bowling alley. I'll avenge you, and all dead goats everywhere. I'll do it for you, buddy."

Author's Note

This is a first draft, so I'm looking for broad comments on elements like characters, plot, and style. Don't be afraid to be harsh.

Reviews

[Melissa Rose]

You have a very funny style and it reads in a unique sort of way. At least different than what I've read. There are a few things here and there, but nothing a bit of study and practice can't fix. You should look into a book called Self Editing for Fiction writers. It's saved my life countless times. For once you don't have a problem with show and tell, I run into that one way too often.

Here's just a few things that I had to read a few times before moving on.

I think this sentence will flow better starting it with just towering. "standing a towering at two-and-a-half feet"

""Alright, why don't we make this interesting? We'll play tomorrow, same time, same place -- for two hundred big ones. You in?"
"No way," Pop said to Digby that night, as he nudged his dinner scraps around the edge of his plate. " -I like the sudden shift here, but it'll read easier if there was some kind of dash, or space to indicate the sudden change in setting.

Other than that, like I said, little things. I'll keep reading and let you know if I notice anything else.

[Aaron Browder]

Thank you for the review! I think I might have to get that book.

[Melissa Rose]

It really is the best I've found. It's geared towards editing, but it helped my writing a great deal.

[Annie29]

Haha, maybe I shouldn't find humor in this first chapter. I thought it was a dream at first. Half naked, goats. Good sections.

[Cheshire]

I'm assuming you've proofread it at least once, since you have so many chapters up, so I'll point out a few things I noticed.

SPACES! -I tell this to almost everyone. Space your stuff out! Few people enjoy reading a wall of text.

"Sliding to a halt at the line, he swung his stubby arm and released the ball whirling and curving toward the lane." - Notice how you use the words "whirling and curving" at the end. I'm not a real editor, so I can't recall the specific word for why its wrong, but its a nono :P Basically it puts a break in the sentence that throws readers off, using too many descriptive words.

"He was either a man, a boy, something in between, or something else entirely, standing a towering at two-and-a-half feet and sporting pale, silvery blue skin." -While there's nothing wrong with it technically, basically, you said that you have no idea what he is lol. It didn't really explain anything or give any kind of description that would lead to a clear picture in my head. Also, the second part, either say he's "...standing, he towers at two and..." or "...standing a towering two and a...". Each one has a separate visualization, but as is, its just awkward.

Is the MC really wearing nothing but socks and shoes or was that a typo? :O

"The whole concept of bowling was brutish and honestly, it was not a little absurd, he thought." - The wording at the end is a bit off, but I get your idea. It should be something more like "...not the least bit absurd,..." or "it was more than a little absurd,..."

"...American culture at its most essential." - I don't think essential is quite the word you are looking for here. Essential is used to describe something else as necessary, not used to describe an action. Perhaps you were looking for something like "...American culture at its finest." or something similar.

As the reviewer before me stated, you suddenly switch to "that night" with out batting an eye. You need to either transition into setting changes, or show a clear break in the text like she said.

"Digby was sitting on a short stool at the little round table opposite Pop, alternatively attentively watching his friend complain and nibbling on his meal of sprouts and cabbage with a side of old UPS boxes." - take out attentively, its a bit too much, it breaks the flow of your story. Also add a comma after complain. The Oxford comma is still needed, much to contrary popular belief :P

On an ending note - man that was a weird story :P Very creative and original though, keep it up!

[Aaron Browder]

Thanks so much for all the comments! I'm probably going to rewrite this anyway, but it really helps to know where people got confused. Confusing writing is probably my biggest weakness. As for the description of the MC, I think I'm going to redo it completely, so don't lose any sleep over it.. :P If you want to see what I was going for you can look at the cover.