Headspaces

(Thoughts of an inverted Virgin)

On my trip in Finland in a cafe I met a girl who invited me to her place. She had a developed athletic body, a boyish figure, and hardly any breasts. I felt attracted to her. As I went to her place she was wearing boys pyjamas. I liked that detail. It must have been that I would often have boyish characters when I masturbated that attracted me to her. We talked for a while, then I went besides her and we began kissing. Slowly I removed her clothes one by one but on the process I couldn't finish inside her. I was unable to play the man's part.

I went to her place the next day anyhow. I kind of felt attracted by her. We began lovemaking on the bathroom this time. Kissing and touching as hot water ran through our bodies. I had not had expectations but it felt nice and warm and I came. This was the first time I had an intercourse.

I went on on several occasions before leaving Finland but even though I was attracted by this girl I never really enjoyed the act and as soon it was over I had the desire to turn my back. Since then I have an intercourse with girls but it is always an effort and leaves a feeling of repulsion. I have come to the conclusion that for me sex is just a form of masturbation and nothing else.

(Inspired by confessions on Havelock Ellis, Studies in the psychology of sex, volume 5)

Reviews

[Jibey]

I think it is often the case that sexual encounters are a form of masturbation... finding pleasure through the service of another... I have even come to a climax while imaging another, while 'making love' to my wife... In effect I am masturbating with the aid of her body but my real sensual experience is in my mind - with another... male or female... Kind of substitute intercourse..

[a_methyste]

That is interesting what you wrote. I found it interesting when I read it in a psychology book. When you ask what human things are you go to the void. But yes it is a form of masturbation.