Bluish

... on living with BPD

I'm sad.

Feel free to roll your eyes at what you assume is a selfish and void
quarter life crisis.
i know... we are all sad.
We're sad because we were told an education was the key to our future
and now we are the most well educated baristas and bartenders that the
industry has ever seen. We are sad because the polar bear's home is
melting and factory farm conditions drive animals to cannibalism.
We're sad because our Pinterest projects failed, our nail art skills
are sub par. We're sad because we don't exercise enough and our blogs
don't get any views. Most importantly, we're sad because Steve Jobs is
dead and Apple is going to s**t.

But the thing is... I don't actually know why I'm sad. I have a
loving, supporting family; and an even more loving and supporting
lover. I am in decent health, I have a job, a home, and I've only ever
gone hungry by choice.

Even worse, is the fact that the not knowing only manages to make me
angry- leaving me in a strange and exasperating cycle of sadness and
rage.

"Don't be sad" , "We all get sad sometimes", and "Cheer up" are just
as frustrating for me as they are for my loved ones, who frantically
scramble for a quick fix not wanting to see me go back to holes they
did not think I could come out of.

Not everyday is bad.

There are days when I wake up madly euphoric and ready to tackle
everything in my meticulously designed and ever growing to-do list.
There are days when, almost imperceptibly, a slump will come over me
and claim complete control (have you ever become hostage to your own
emotions?)... And then there are the days in which even opening my
eyes and breathing, setting foot out of bed... Well it all feels
nearly impossible. Sometimes I simply wake up scared- of myself- of my
thoughts and tasks... Scared of just being alive.

Sometimes I'm not quite sure who I am. Sometimes I don't have the
energy to be anything at all...

For every bad day, there are three marvelous days; but I'm still
mostly lost and clueless on the way back to myself. I need a bit of
patience, love, and a lot of support- not only from those with whom I
surround myself; but also from myself.

I am in what feels like the initial stages of meeting me... it may be
too soon to tell; but with a lucky strike I may just let myself in
deeply enough to pull me out.

Author's Note

been having a bit of a tough time lately, and i thought putting it in writing might help me.

Reviews

[Everett DeValle]

That's the conundrum of life...one day, you'll get the AHA moment that will drive...and when you get it, you get it...it helps to write out your thoughts...a lovely write.

[A. Amos]

I like your story interesting and many shades and messages you included in your work. Good read