Gagging on G-d

*This is not meant to be offensive, it is only based on what I have personally come across in terms of religion in the past. I understand that religion is a sensitive subject, and if reading of it mak

Gagging on G-d: My Personal Religious Struggle 

I constantly find myself so choked up by religion.

It's everywhere and I have trouble with that. As a matter of fact, something as simple as seeing people say grace in public can push me into a full panic.

Before we go any further; I would like to say that I am not an atheist- I'm more of an incredibly angry and resentful agnostic.

If he is out there, why aren't things better?
If he is truly all forgiving, then why are his disciples so foul?
If he can truly see it all, then why do churches pardon pedophiles who hide behind clerical attire- spitting out psalms while lustfully eyeing the altar boys?

I often wonder if perhaps my faith would be greater if I had never encountered organized religion...

My parents are Jewish and Catholic. They raised me with a bit of both religions, in the hopes that one day I would choose one for myself.
When I turned fifteen, I joined the choir at my grandmother's Catholic church to pass the time while I recovered from a broken ankle. I remember being terrified by the art on the walls, and feeling endlessly uncomfortable when I looked at the giant crucifix that had the center stage- a part of me wanted to turn and run; but my grandma was thrilled, and if I've learned one thing- it's that you can't say no to a grandmother. I loved singing, and I had fun doing it; but unfortunately it was also there that I encountered a group of people so hateful and judgmental that I was immediately disgusted. What was worse was the fact that all of their judgments were made in the name of the lord; and all the while they engaged in more than one unholy activity {insert vague drug and sex flashbacks here}. Needless to say, I left- disgusted, disillusioned, and empty.

Most of the time I unintentionally scoff at the devout; at the way in which they attribute their misfortunes to some test or pre-written destiny... At how they fumble to understand the unknown by means of bible verses.

Maybe I'm jealous.

I wish that I could find that level of abandon in spirituality- complete trust in something unseen... After all, few things feel as lonely and scary as not knowing. The thought that my misfortunes have been mine alone to face is beyond terrifying; and feeling like the entire weight of my life is on me as opposed to a superior being is almost too much to bear. Knowing that perhaps there is no such thing as divine intervention, and that all of those pleas and prayers went unnoticed... Well, that's just plain infuriating.

Where is he?
Where are the answers?
Where is the unconditional and selfless love that I was promised?

I am nothing but a speck of dust in an enormous universe- I don't claim to posses any knowledge of greater things. It's just as likely that a divine puppet master does exist and that my rage is unfounded.

I want to live to serve a greater purpose; but I want it to be based on kindness, love, mindfulness, equality, and creativity. For me; written hearsay from centuries ago is just not enough.

Reviews

[PearlPoet]

"I want to live to serve a greater purpose; but I want it to be based on kindness, love, mindfulness, equality, and creativity."

~smiles~ I am humbled by your take on religion so good to see people thinking and asking questions!
I am no longer a Jew, a Christian, a Muslim, a Buddhist! I seek God not religions and the only path to
God is love and fairness..

[Sasha]

pretty interesting :)

I Like your work :)

[Amayrani Franco]

Thank you- always happy to hear that!

[Epipsychologist]

Same. Religious people have a hard time understanding why non-religious people might get offended at religious behavior. They exaggerate a "war on christmas," scoff at those uppity atheists for trying to remove the line in the pledge of allegiance that goes, "under god" (which was added in the 50's), and can't understand why we don't like to hear that they'll pray for us. The thing is that religion assumes that non-religious people are immoral, but it also endorses moral judgment, which at it's heart is just a way of bypassing understanding.

Sorry, I liked your piece and didn't mean to use the comment section as a soap box. I guess I just felt the need to say, you're not alone, and you shouldn't have to feel judged for asking the right questions.

[Amayrani Franco]

Thank you! I'm glad to see a positive comment on here... I, of course, understand the delicacy of religion. However, on a personal level I feel as though spirituality should be treated as an intimate and personal matter- not something that gets paraded around and forced on others.