Sadness in July

Goughseries I wrote this in July 2021 when I was thinking about how my relationship was turning. Feeling like I was a mistake I began writing these deep feelings about betrayal.

I realized after my heartbreak that I wouldn’t never be okay again 

 

I wanted to believe that all that happiness inside me would come back desiring a spot to shine. 

It feels like my heart is not there. I touch my chest to make sure, the beat is still beating but I do not feel the butterflies. I feel sadness as my breathe gets deeper within my exhales. 

 

Annoyed with the words of love. I can't escape this everlasting emotion as everything I see on tv contains two people hurting or loving one another. I ask myself all the time what am I to do with all this sadness? I tried to forgive my partner for cheating and being promiscuous, but it only led me to be even more confused on what the words meant. I had no family to love me and my children, yet you were the only exception. I would ask him why so many times that the question just made him say he was "so sorry".  

 

The damage that I feel inside is not like any other trauma from before. This trauma holds so much more than a heartbreak. I feel betrayed inside, you hurt me multiple times and then you came back and wanted to still be there for us… It hurts because how did I forgive someone who betrayed my trust not one time but many. 

 

So embarrassed each time I open my mouth to you because you know how bad I am hurt. My face cannot lie in between my hands no longer as the tears burry over my eyes. My tongue which I use to please you with no longer feels desire to speak great things to you because my thoughts are filled with negative remarks on how you make me feel. When I use to uplift you, those words were true, I have tried to remain the woman who loves you but with each day, the sadness overcomes me and then I am back feeling bad. Bad that I took you back and didn’t heal when God gave me the chance. Bad that I have to care for two small kids alone when all I desired to do was raise them up with two parents.  

 

My sadness is so real. 

My tears are becoming dry. 

I no longer sit and wait for you because those days are moving farther by the hour. 

I cannot stress it enough on how sad I have really been.  

Sad that I allowed it to go on for so long but happy that I still want to try and be someone. 

 

When God has something in store for you. You always think positive things of course, right? 

GOUGHSERIES

Author's Note

Tell me what you think
Goughseries