Dad's Smile

This again has a military theme. Written about the current war, though you can really apply it to any. Please critique.

A little boy plays in the park
with his mother and football ‘till long before dark.
They get in the car and start heading home,
when he says to her in a soft saddened tone,

“Why did daddy have to go away,
why couldn’t he stay here and play?”
He cradles his football in his hand,
“Where’s daddy gone?  I don’t understand?”

His mother wonders what to say,
for she still remembers that terrible day
when they came for him, he said goodbye,
and she fell to the ground and started to cry.

“You see, my son, they needed him.”
She thinks of their faces, set and grim.
“He’s serving there, for you and me,
to protect our freedom and liberty.”

The little boy nods, but remains sad.
He remembers the smile his dad always had.
His mother looks back, and changes her tone,
“Don’t worry son, in three months he’ll be home!

Two months flew by ‘till he came home,
One month early, depressed and alone.
Everything changed and nothing’s the same
The smile he wore is gone, who’s to blame?

The football flies through the crisp, cool air,
pierced by the sadness of the young boy’s stare.
“How long will daddy be that way?”
His mother frowns, “Who can say?”

The little boy nods, but remains sad,
he longs for the smile his dad once had.
His mother smiles at him, love in her tone,
“I’m here for you son, and at least daddy’s home.”

Author's Note

I don't like the rhythm (it has rhythm???) at all. Your thoughts?

Reviews

[JohnL]

If this is real life - your own expeerience of 'losing' your father, not to death but to man-made circumstance, is probably cathartic and your feelings hide within you and work themselves out within the poem. Therefore your personality is woven close within the writing. This story - for such it is - does move along well, and yes, it has rhythm; better as it moves along than early in the poem. In the last verse it is excellent. I don't know the age of the child here, but you use 'dad' and 'daddy', of which I prefer the former - more laddish, but maybe that's just me. Here is my tribute to my dad who died when I was 12 years old. Very different in construction and I offer it only as a comparison of style, and am not suggesting it is superior in any way, in fact it is a Haibun - prose interspersed with Haikus and my first attempt at such. www.writerscafe.org/writing/JohnL/282270/ should find it for you. The avatar picture is actually my dad (double click on it to enlarge) not long before he died. Looking again at your poem, and this is a personal preference. I am not a lover of the AA BB CC form of rhyme which can sound a bit doggerellish. I prefer A B A B C D C D etc or even free verse with odd, almost random rhymes can be very effective. Experiment is the key and as I read your various work, you are obviously doing just that. Try sometimes writing the 'same' poem in two or three different styles (mine on my honeymoon in Paris in 1955 is treated as both free verse and sonnet. You say you do not claim to be a poet but you are, and can build on both the desire to be, and upon the skills you already have acquired.
John

[nightmask]

it has amazing rythm silly! i love the feeling you gave to the dad it's like when my dad's mom died and he wouldn't smile anymore u love war poems don't you :)

[{Rated Vee For FAMOUS}]

the flow is awesome, and the emotion is so real...
it flows as if these are real memories...
its a beautiful peom

[Marina]

This is absolutley amazing.
The whole time i was reading it, i was getting chills from how awsome it is. Is that possible?

I love the way it flows, and it shows how a lot of kids are feeling.
It's sad, and happy at the same time.
How the little boy misses his dad, but he still has the memories of his smile to hold him together, and that he knows his dad will be back.

This is such a beutiful piece. I absolutley adore it.
Well done.

Great write.
XxStaySweet,
Rina