July 21, 2010

Tick tock. Tick tock.

Seconds pass

Then minutes

Then hours

 

I’m sitting alone playing with my dolls

Mother is sleeping when Yvette comes down the stairs

I look up from Barbie and see two cops

I can tell in their eyes something dreadful happened

 

Mother came out of her room looking nervous

Her body was shaking

Her palms were sweaty

But they weren’t there for her

 

They were there for my father

 

The men took mom up the stairs leaving me all alone

It was when I heard a scream that I ran up the steps

“Dad, dad, Chris is dead” Mom says on the phone

He’s dead? How could he be dead?

 

How could the man that raised me suddenly be gone?

How could God take a ten year olds father?

How could you leave me dad?

You left with no warning

 

It’s been four years since a train has struck you

I still don’t understand how that happened but it did

It’s so unreal knowing that you aren’t with us

I still wake up thinking I’ll see you when you get home

 

But the only way I’ll see you is when my heart stops

I never thought I’d be the girl that prayed to die

I never thought I’d go to a blade to ease the pain

I never thought suicide would cross my mind

 

Without you here with me, I have no motivation

I get up and do the same thing every day

Cut, brush teeth, school, eat, brush teeth, shower, cut

Repeat again and again

 

 

 

With every cut I made on my damaged body,

I learned to not care. To be numb

When you’re isolated; people can’t hurt you

But eventually you came back. So do the feelings

 

But with feelings comes demons

 

“Rebecca, you need to stop!” Everyone yells at me

But they don’t understand that it’s an addiction

Self-harm is the same as drugs or alcohol

It’s a distraction from all the pain that I’m feeling

 

The pain that I’m feeling is because my mom left me

The pain is due to the bullying

The pain is because I’m failure

That pain is because you left me all alone, Dad

 

Can you hear me when I cry for you?

Do you hear me when I beg to God to just kill me?

Were you there when those girls almost jumped me?

Where were you there the first time I cut?

 

 

You weren’t there and that’s what hurts the most

What hurts is that you will never be there

You may be looking down on me but that’s it

You aren’t there to take the blade out of my hand

 

But at the same time dad, you are

You’re the reason I want to die but also why I’m alive

You’d be furious if I took my life

Isn’t it weird that the thing keeping me alive is dead?