Growth

Sometimes it hurt so
bad, in my head
I’d lay there for hours kneading my stomach
wondering how much
effort
it would take to break the skin
with my fingers
and pull my guts out

Sometimes you sit
on that couch and talk
about how the blanket of
drugs I keep between
me and feeling
is unhealthy, and how maybe
I need to start inoculating myself
against emotion
with planned out sober hours
with you
talking,

I think I just need direction

Author's Note

I'm still missing the point

Reviews

[...]

. oh ... what an amazingly insightful piece of writing ... and so poignant ... i was in this place ... not too long ago ... you don't need to "start inoculating yourself against emotion" ... i was nearly buried alive with this advice ... i was bombarded by many people ... emotions need to be expressed ... emotions are energy ... emotions are a function of passion ... what each of us needs to do ... to be at peace ... is to express our emotions in an acceptable way ... for instance, writing poetry is one such way ... it's okay to express inner rage in a poem ... every form of artistic expression -- be it painting, writing, singing, dancing or any other form ... is an acceptable way ... true personal therapy happens when we help others ... when we give happiness to someone ... when i read a poem ... and write words of solace or sharing in a review ... it's actually a kind of therapeutic self talk ... it's a way of expression ... giving anyone solace is the same ... sadly, we live in a selfish world ... it does not encourage giving because it doesn't have the consciousness to know that giving is about receiving ... the sheer solace that i have received from my own reviews of the work of other people is astounding ... however, on this site, instead of treating reviews as a privilege ... people have reduced the act to a transaction ... the same applies to all such privileges we have in the real world ... my recovery started when i started giving to receive ... treating the opportunity to give solace as a blessing and as a privilege ... i had to do this for a really long time ... then, slowly i began to gravitate towards the purpose of my existence ... a purpose that does justice to my life so far ... slowly, that purpose began to crystallize ... it's a slow process ... but a definitive one ... take care, my friend ... you are my inspiration ... my hero ... and no matter what happens ... i'll always believe in you ... i know that you will make it to true wellness ... just like i have ... that's a fact ... you're too sensible and sensitive to not be able to ...

[caesarkreshen]

I like this, but the last line seems tacked on.

I think it's an interesting juxtaposition that someone "you" thinks that they can be there for in place of everything else.

[_mal]

Psychologists, huh

[tekphobik]

It's funny how everything gets all bottled up inside and blanked out by substances (prescribed or otherwise). I liken it to like burying a bomb. You can pile as much dirt on it as you like, and maybe it's all good for a day, a week, a month, a year, but one day it will explode. The unfortunate part is the collateral damage from the blast - that guilt stays with you forever.

[John Stussy]

The lack of a destination can be a mind-wracking problem. With no destination, no direction to walk, it all feels like time's at a standstill. Having been between jobs off and on, I know how useless one feels. There's nothing to do with your time, nothing productive happens, and time blends so that each day is an eternity and each week was two days ago. Going through that useless feeling can break a person's will. Intoxicating oneself is just something that takes away from the feeling of uselessness. People don't always understand the use of self-medicating. It honestly isn't the healthiest thing to do, but it works best for some people. Stay strong, and I hope you pass some street signs to point you on the right highway and out of the desert.

[Brad]

wow! having suffered and still am suffering from manic depression, i was hesitant to take my 300mg of happiness. i didn't want to shut myself down, and as a writer, we need to stay in touch with our emotions at some level...we can't all write about trees and ponds and unicorns...ok, the unicorns may have been spotted with the help of the "happy pills", but still...
your write hit the inner turmoil (and outer) right on the head

[Wondering Mind]

The pains we go through by punishing ourselves for things we don't understand, when all we need is direction.
I have painfully concluded that the best thing to do is to ask for it